Zelensky’s Wild Ride: Assassins, Sackings, and Surprises

by Jeff Childers

Like the surface of the Sun, something is flaring up in Ukraine. For obvious reasons, they aren’t providing much detail about this bad Ukraine news. Time Magazine ran the story yesterday, headlined “Zelensky Fires Bodyguard Chief After Officers Arrested Over Assassination Attempt.”  Is this an Emperor’s New Clothes moment?

Yesterday Zelensky fired Serhiy Rud, a military security expert who since 2019 has long led the country’s version of its Secret Service. All we know for sure is Serhiy’s firing follows the arrest of two high-ranking Ukrainian secret service agents, both colonels in the Ukraine military, both accused of plotting to put Zelensky on ice.

It getting so bad that these days, Zelensky feels like he’s being attacked by a swarm of slavic bees. It seems everybody wants to kill him; he simply can’t keep track of it all. “Intelligence said there were already ten attempts,” Zelensky told Italian media in broken English. “I don’t count.”

The clock is ticking on Zelensky, not figuratively in the sense that even his own personal bodyguards seem mortally offended by the former comedian, but the clock is literally running out because his constitutional term expires in a few days on May 21st.

Despite continuity of government in wartime being an insanely critical issue to just about everybody, in and out of country, Ukraine has still not announced any definite plan for what will happen on that date. Will he stay, or will he go? (Assuming he lives that long.)

Never mind — it’s going to be a surprise! Biden hasn’t told them yet what happens after May 21st. People love surprises.

A Guardian article about the thwarted assassination story recited a long laundry list of other sackings, amounting to something like a good old Soviet purge. First of all, secret police arrested the two previously referenced bodyguards, for scheming to assassinate the nation’s top pianist.  Then, as mentioned, and demonstrating Stalinist levels of paranoia, Zelensky fired his own chief of personal security, presumably for letting two assassins sneak into the royal guard or something.

The same day, Zelensky also fired and replaced the sub-par commander of Ukraine’s special forces. It’s not a very secure job; the previous commander only lasted six months.

Just as busy as their president, the Ukrainian parliament voted this week to fire two top ministers — the ministers of infrastructure and of agriculture — for corruption. Or perhaps, too much corruption. As the saying goes, “svyni hoduyut’sya, a kabany ydut’ na biynyu,” or, “pigs get fed, but hogs go to the slaughterhouse.”

 
Unless that is, they can escape. Which is what a lot of young Ukrainian men are trying to do. So the parliament also approved more crackdowns on young men wishing to opt-out of the increasingly unpopular war. It also authorized the forcible conscription of prisoners. “Where am I going?” “Shut up, you’ll love it there.”

Remind me not to get a ticket for failing to abate a smokey chimney in Ukraine.

Predictably, Ukraine has reflexively blamed the foiled internal assassination attempt on … wait for it … Russia! The author of all its ills. That claims must, however, be taken with at least a dash of salt, since Ukraine also blames Russia for the Nordstream bombing, the Crokus City Hall massacre, and rap music. But the more likely culprit is Ukraine’s neo-nazi Right Sector party, which might want to rub Zelensky out before he retires to his Italian villa after his term expires at the end of the month.

Zelensky and the various neo-nazi brigades, including the infamous Azov Brigade, have been sparring lately. Apparently Azov suspects Zelensky is trying to get them killed, and has repeatedly refused orders lately. Oh! And I almost forgot. Two weeks ago, Zelensky tried to cut Azov out of the money:

 
Just saying.

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