Press release: People who skipped COVID19 vaccine are at higher risk of losing fingers and teeth


Researchers from CooperDale in Canada have a new study out that shows that people who skip all COVID19 vaccines are more likely to lose fingers and teeth. This comes just weeks after a different analysis that shows unvaccinated more likely to get into traffic accidents.
“Our results are not meant to suggest that vaccination keeps fingers and teeth attached, but rather that people who are unvaccinated engage in other patterns of behavior where fingers and teeth just pop off like candy corn!” said senior researcher Tommy Thomas.
The authors analyzed data from 13 Canadian provinces. They found after adjusting for age and sex and a host of other risk factors, people who refused all vaccination against the advice of God himself were 865% more likely to lose a tooth or finger.
“Our finding is astonishing!,” said lead researcher Bobby Bob, “It’s as if the unvaccinated are just shedding body parts like molting season! Like the snakes they are. Of course I mean that correlational-ly, not causally!”
Researchers acknowledge that they could not adjust for socioeconomic demographics, occupation, or entrenched patterns of wealth and poverty. They could not adjust for manufacturing or factory work, or ability to visit a dentist. Researchers note that they were not able to adjust for anything actually useful, and their study is discriminatory and cruel.
When asked to explain the results, Tommy Thomas offered, “I don’t know. Unvaccinated people just don’t value their teeth or fingers— just like they don’t value life. They take risks others don’t. They probably eat more sugar and put their fingers into fans, even though the warning says not to. Maybe they are more likely to reach inside Alligator or tiger mouths? I don’t know for sure, but I do know they are bad people.”
Despite all the Caveats, Bobby Bob believed the study had something to offer everyone.
“As a progressive liberal it is important never to discriminate against anyone on the basis of a group characteristic which itself is downstream product of wealth and power imbalance. But that rule applies to every other group except the unvaccinated. Those people are the worst. You can say anything about them, and it won’t be harsh enough. Our study shows they can’t even keep their fingers and teeth attached. Just one more reason to hate them, and single them out.”
When asked about policy recommendations, both researchers have several solutions.
“Primary care doctors should advise unvaccinated people not to put their hands in garbage disposals and turn the on switch and then keep it in their even after it starts hurting and the sink fills with blood,” said Tommy Thomas.

Read more

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

Someone that pushes more vaccines and masks on me are at risk of losing teeth.

But the other article mentioned in this satire was about the traffic accident rate of vaxxed VS unvaxxed.
Auto insurers have no right – in this country, anyway – to demand to see one’s vax status.
Not that it makes any difference.
The YOUNG, more of whom are unvaxxed, already pay high rates simply because they are young and less experienced at driving.
No need to further penalize young drivers.
They pay thru the nose.