by Joe King
Day four of the Hunter Biden trial came to an unexpected halt earlier this afternoon, as the President’s son absconded into a nearby bathroom and wasn’t heard from for the rest of the day, sources have confirmed.
“Your honor, let’s give him 15 more minutes,” said the increasingly sweaty Abbe Lowell, Biden’s defense attorney. “He might just be in there texting or something. Or maybe he ate something that’s disagreeing with him. I know how this looks, but surely he can’t be this dumb, right? I mean, this is Hunter Biden we’re talking about.”
Despite his lawyer’s optimism, many in attendance doubted Biden would be returning.
“I knew right when he asked if he could use the bathroom that he wasn’t coming back,” said Dennis Grant, a spectator of today’s proceedings. “Why would he take all his stuff with him if he was just going to the bathroom? Plus, he had just gone to the bathroom several minutes before that. Oh, and he asked some of us if we had a lighter on the way out. I think best case scenario he fell asleep in there but he’s probably long gone.”
As of press time, the judge had agreed to wait, like, ten more minutes and then everyone was going to go home for the day.
He DID say he could score crack anywhere he went. Maybe, like at the White House, he was looking for a stash he strategically placed somewhere.