Mitt Romney Survives Monstrous Media Melee in Manchester [Reader Post]

(satire)

FGIM Gazette

Machias A. Meddybemps

Manchester, NH- A scene of broken chairs, bandages, a high heeled woman’s shoe, and a bloody nose ring lay among ripped and damaged Romney campaign memorabilia strewn before me. The Paramedics who attend the physically wounded and parapsychologist who helped those who will forever be scarred by memories of this dreadful day in New Hampshire are gone now. All that remains is the carnage and cleanup crews.

First I want to stress that candidate Romney and his family are safe and unharmed. Security for Romney and New Hampshire State Police were able to extract the Romney family and staff before events turned tragically violent. I want to stress again that Mitt Romney, his family, and staff are all safe and unharmed at an undisclosed location.

At around 4:30 PM today Mitt Romney was scheduled to hold a press conference with reporters about his plans for the next few days as well as answer questions from the press who have gravitated with Romney to New Hampshire. Yesterday unconfirmed reports were circulating that when the bus Mitt Romney uses for his campaign was being unloaded an unknown female dressed in black tumbled out of the cargo bay that carries equipment and candidate Romney’s wardrobe. The unknown female ran off before she could be questioned sources say.

The incident was not confirmed or denied by the Romney camp though it did seem that the security surrounding the candidate was more intense then at previous stops. Reporters were allowed into the function room in which Romney was to speak about 30 minutes before the press conference was to begin at a prompt 4:30. The room had several rows of chairs facing a podium on a make shift stage where Mr. Romney was to speak and take questions. I entered the room at about 4:25 PM and noticed that the first four rows in front of the podium were unoccupied except for 2 chairs.. Looking around I could see reporters and pundits from the Beltway circuit who have traveled up to New Hampshire were huddled along the walls of the conference room with iPhones and Android phones drawn and appeared to be looking to capture digital images for pictures or videos. I walked up to a colleague I am familiar with and asked about the strange behavior of our fellow journalist. He related to me that he and the rest of the reporters have been waiting for this “epic bitch fight” for a while now and it “was about to get real!” in a few minutes. He and the rest of my compatriots from the D.C. area were obviously very excited.

I asked him who were to be the participants in what I assumed was to be verbal battle of the wits between Mr. Romney and another reporter but he pointed to the only two chairs in front of the podium that were occupied. The two seated individuals were sitting with their backs to me. All I could see was the back of a well dressed woman and another disheveled woman dressed in black jeans with a black hooded sweatshirt in the row in front of her yet I could not tell who they were. My Friend informed me that the well dressed woman was Ann Coulter and that the individual in the black hoodie was Jennifer Rubin.

Not being from Washington D.C, I asked if he could explain to me the signifigance of this odd situation. My friend told me that for weeks now Rubin and Coulter have seemed to be one upping each other with gushing articles of fondness for a married Mr. Romney. At first it appeared to be nothing more than a little over the top political admiration for the moderate Republican and his candidacy. Soon though it would become apparent that this was much more than a simple high school crush on a popular jock, but more on the lines of rabbit boiling infatuation of “Fatal Attraction” fame. The only difference is that both Rubin and Coulter were playing the part of Alex Forrest.

Until now both Rubin and Coulter had been allegedly taking swipes at each other from false Facebook accounts though it could not be proven. Two accounts in particular were gaining interest from social magazines. One, J.R.ISAHORE was particularly derogatory to Jennifer Rubin, the profile of the account states “Ivy League Vixen, Writer, and Love all things Romney!”. The other whose name was listed as H.C.TIBASICNNA was covered by anonymous poems of a very dark nature in which spells and hexes were being “cyber caste” at Ann Coulter wishing upon her all sorts of ill will and unspeakable accidents.

The J.R.ISAHORE account still can be seen on Facebook though has not been updated for days now. The H.C.TIBASICNNA was removed shortly after a pentagram with a picture of Ann Coulter’s eyes burnt out in the center was found at the Coulter residence. At that time no one believed it to be nothing more than a little inside the Beltway cat fight created by gossip columnist to generate some traffic for their blogs. Others speculated that Rubin and Coulter were in communication with each other and this was a little inside joke between them. Unfortunately that was not the case and as of this moment many are wishing it was.

At first the Rubin and Coulter ignored each other. Coulter was typing something into a new iPad while Rubin stared intently at the door Mr. Romney was to emerge from. The situation began to develop at about 4:28PM when Coulter covered her mouth and coughed. Those close enough to hear the cough said that it sounded more like the word “Skank” then it did a cough. Obviously whatever was said or not said did not please Rubin because as soon as Coulter “coughed” she turned around and glared at Coulter. After a brief pause Rubin brought her left fingerless gloved hand up, pointed three fingers at Coulter, and started chanting in some language no one else seemed to be familiar with. After a few moments Rubin turned around seeming to be satisfied with herself. A few moments later the first members of Romney’s campaign staff emerged through the door, checked equipment, took up positions, and waited for candidate Romney.

Romney, dressed in a new crisply starched flannel shirt and matching Elmer Fudd like Eddie Bauer hunting cap strode confidently to the podium. At first he smiled and waived as if on autopilot as all candidates are at these events then he seemed to notice the confusing situation in front of him. Romney was looking at all empty chairs except for two. He scanned towards the back of the room and saw a mass of reporters lining the walls around him with arms outstretched clutching cell phones. None of them pointing at him.

Candidate Romney looked puzzled for a instant then just as it appeared he recovered and was going to invite the rest of the media to come forward and sit the inevitable happened.

Ann Coulter immediately stood up and clearly was dressed to impress. She was wearing and expensive yet understated business casual skirt and blouse from Louis Vuitton, Dolce & Gabbana black leather 4 inch slip ons, and Gucci bag now containing her newly minted iPad. She waved a hand in the air, then did the patented ”Coulter Flip” in which she cocks her head slightly to the left and then with practiced gracefully effort flip her hair out for the way with a assistance of a free hand. This move has been mesmerizing men in Washington D.C. for years and has been said to even turn the head Andrew Sullivan. After the “Coulter Flip” had been allowed a few seconds to work its desired effect, Coulter then asked “Mr. Romney, I would like to take you up on the one on one interview we had set up earlier this week.”

Mitt Romney looked at Coulter then with a crumpled brow looked towards one of his staff members who shrugged his shoulders as if to say “I dont know what the hell she is talking about?”

Jennifer Rubin, seeing Coulter and Romney having an exchange immediately stood up and shouted “Mitt my love I found your lost sock!” and produced a single gray wrinkled Marcoliani cashmere and silk sock from inside her hoodie. She held it up to her nose taking in a deep breaths as if to extract every trace scent left from it former owner. It was then I had noticed that the black hoodie she was wearing had a crudely done free hand image of Mitt Romney on the front in the fashion of those sold at K-Mart depicting dark images of male characters from the “Twilight” movie series. On the back in successive order from bottom to top the words “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” were crossed out with a large “Team Romney” in bold yellow lettering at the top. Rubin then turned to Coulter and mouthed the words “He’s mine”.

Coulter came toward Rubin shouting “You wish! What would Mitt want with you you community college educated Washington Post writing emo skank!” Rubin, stuffing the sock back into the hoodie, closed the distance between them shouting back “At least I am not some weirdo looking blonde giraffed necked social slut! Go back to Bill Mahr and leave me and Mitt alone!”

At this point they were face to face with Coulter looking down seething and Rubin looking up with heavily applied black mascara eyes. The room went silent for a split second then all hell broke loose. The reporters who had been lining the walls rushed forward all at once pushing and shoving each other trying to get their cell phone cameras in position. A few had tripped over the first row of chairs not seeing what was in front of them because all their eyes were fixed on the cellphones above their heads trying to keep Coulter and Rubin in frame. A domino like effect gripped the entire crowd as it collapsed upon the Coulter/Rubin nucleus in the center. Reporters and pundits struggled to get up, stepping on other reporters and pundits who were struggling the with the same efforts. Security was now had Mr. Romney by the arms trying to drag him in the direction of the door he had entered from. But he struggled away and ran up to the microphone and shouted “STTTOOOOOOOOPPPPP!”

At once the bubbling mass of reporters and pundits froze. Coulter and Rubin in the fracas had been separated by the waves of tumbling bodies and chairs. Each was staring at the other raging, but not moving. The reporters untangled themselves, picking up phones and clip on bow ties that they had become separated from and stood looking at Romney. Romney then addressed the crowd.

“Everyone just calm down! O.K.?” Romney said in a commanding yet fatherly voice. “Listen you two ladies” he pointed at Coulter and Rubin. “I appreciate the support, I really do. I know we all get carried away at times and we sometimes get in a little over our heads. But I am a happily married man of 42 years. Ann is and will be the only woman in my life.” He looked back and smile to his wife Ann. “I am sorry if I had made the wrong impression.” Why don’t you two come up here and shake hands. After the press conference me and Ann will sit down with both of you so we can work this out. Come on. Please shake hands so we all can and move forward.”

Both Rubin and Coulter moved towards the podium from their respective positions. Both had tears in there eyes as they approached each other. Just as they were about to embrace like two sisters who have finally buried the hatchet after years of feuding over a pair of Jordache blue jeans, a commotion could be heard from a door to the right where servers bring food and cocktails to into the conference room. Through those doors burst a man of what appeared to be Asian/Indian heratige wearing a blue sock dangling half off his left foot, a pink flip flop on the right. The crazed man had on a yellow flower patterned sun dress three sizes to small for his frame, his lips and left razor stubbled cheek were smeared with bright red lipstick. Under the dress he had what appeared to be a hotel pillow stuffed under the dress causing a huge bulge in the belly region that was to simulate being late in gestation. He crashed into Coulter and Rubin screaming “I am having Mitt Romney’s baby!” as all three tumbled to the floor.

At this point the when it became a brutal melee. Once again reporters and pundits surged forward but this time were punching and grabbing each other jockying for a better position half looking at the intended victim of their fist while also trying to looking up to the ever present outstretched arm with cell phone. The scene looked like an orgy of flashing one eyed half robotic, half Docker dress ostriches swirling among flying chairs, New Balance sneakers, and ripped Old Navy sweatshirts. From the center of the mass a loud wail of “Dont Hurt Little Willard Jr.!” was followed by an eruption of feathers. The word “Skank!” was shouted just before a bloody nose ring flew past and hit the wall to my left. Another loud scream and a tuft of long yellow flew into the air followed by a loudly hissed “Slut!”. I could see that Ann Romney had grabbed a microphone stand and was about to jump into the center of the political journalist violent mosh pit. She had the stand above her head ready to delivery a crushing blow to where approximately the last place I saw both Rubin and Coulter, but thankfully a large figure dressed in a New Hampshire State Police uniform clutched her around the waist and carried her off the stage with Mr. Romney attempting to cover her from Polar Spring water bottles flying through the air. Romney’s security detail formed a protective half circle about Romney and his family walking backwards with Px4 Beretta’s drawn and pointing at the violent mob.

At this point I turned and ran crashing through the entrance doors just seconds before riot gear dressed law enforcement officers stormed into the room. I heard what I can only assume were Flash/Bang grenades going off as I dove into an empty coat check room where I remained until I was found by police.

After a brief check up with a paramedic I was released. I made my way back to the scene where I type the words you read now from a new iPad I found among the wreckage of the day.

The question always asked after tragic events like this is why? And I am asking that question now.

Why had none of Romney’s staff and security sensed that something odd was happening? Surely they had to have noticed that the first four rows of chairs were empty with only two exceptions. All other reporters and pundits were standing against the walls of the venue with cell phone cameras drawn and facing the two woman, not the podium. Was it lack of sleep from being on the road in primary season, or just an oversight? Why did some of my fellow journalist not speak up and stop the madness before it began? Clearly they knew that Rubin and Coulter were not at full mental capacity. Why did they not suggest help, become a shoulder to lean on, help a friend in need? Is the Washington media pool so dog eat dog competitive that ones fall from grace is considered a legitimate means to a promotion? Or are they a bunch of horny 16 year olds men and women trapped in adult bodies who just wanted to get some girl on girl action for You Tube? I have no answers. I think this event will be studied for many years to come.

Before I close I do have one more detail I would like to share. As I was hiding in the coat check closet I did hear who I think was Jonah Goldberg speaking loud as if he was on a cell phone with a bad connection. I heard him say “Derb! This is Jonah! I told you taking Ram to this thing was a bad idea! He lost it! Man he lost it! We couldn’t stop him! We tried! I told you we should have brought Cosmo instead!.

I will not speculate as to who “Ram” is, though many of my colleagues may have a good guess. I hope its not true.

Authors note: (I will be taking a few days off and I would like to say I am sorry to my readers who I may disappoint but I need a break for a bit so I can come back fully recharged and put this event behind me. M.A.M.)