After much contemplation of how to put into words the current struggle between the Republican Establishment and the ever growing disgruntled Conservative base I found this to be the best way to explain the situation as I view it…
A man walks across the street from his house to GOP Motors, a local franchise that he and his family have done business with for many years. One the lot are four vehicles, 2 new pickup trucks, one covered by a tarp, a beat up old blue pickup truck with a plow next to the garage. He spots a man in a suit and tie standing in the lot whistling to himself and looking for all intents and purposes a man who could be of some assistance. Walking over to the man our story begins.
Joe: Hi. My name is Joe Blow and I see you have 2 new pick up trucks for sale. That’s just what I am looking for. See, I got a good chance at landing this job that requires me to be able to negotiate rough terrain, haul tools and material, and be reliable. Another guy has been doing this job, but he is about to be fired and if I can get on over to the job site, the job is mine. With this economy I cant afford not to get it. So I am in a hurry and I want to buy one of your new pick up trucks. I want to look at the white one first.
The sales man listens intently, nods a few times, and extends his hand for a handshake.
Reg: Well how do you do Joe! My name is Republican Establishment Guy but you can call me Reg. Friend, I hear what your saying and I know I got the right vehicle for you! I know you think you need white pickup truck but I’ve got some thing better then that that’s gonna knock rock your world! With dramatic flourish he reaches over and whips the tarp off the vehicle it has been hiding. Suddenly confetti is being shot from a fake cannons. A marching band starts playing a catchy little pop tune. Balloons are released. Mini pyrotechnics are spewing sparks beside the uncovered vehicle. Reb is vibrating with excitement! He is grinning from ear to ear as he dances over to you.
Reg: Now that’s what ya want right there Joe! State of the art, high tech, and very popular with the ladies! The Romney Volt is exactly what you need! Lets get on into the office and do the paperwork. Reg starts skipping off to the office pumping his fist in the air. Joe stands there confused . He turns to the direction Reg is going.
Joe: Hey Reg! Lets slow down a second alright. Reg turns around and skips back over humming the tune the band was playing with a confused look on his face.
Reg: What’s the matter Joe? The color? Oh we can change that no big deal if that’s the issue. Hell this Romney Volt was designed with the ability to change its color to match whatever colorer the person looking at it wants to see. Watch! Reg closes his eyes, squints, and stares at the Romney Volt. Suddenly the color scheme of the car morphs into a sickly yellow with a pink tint.
Joe: Well Reg, thats neat and all but the color is not the issue. It’s the car. Actually it’s the fact that its a car and not a pickup truck like I need. I already have a McPrius in the driveway on cinderblocks that I bought from you a few years ago that doesn’t run anymore. What I need is a pickup truck.
Joe starts walking over to the white pick up. It is a Dodge Palin with the Alaska package. Big tires, lift kit, big shiny tool box in the back and a electric winch in the front. Just what Joe is looking for. Joe turns to Reb. Joe: This is what I want. I can get to the job site no matter where it is. I got a safe place for my tools, a big bed for the materials, and even a winch I can put to good use. Lets go into the office and discuss the terms and..
Reg: Oh come on! You don’t want the Dodge Palin. The Romney Volt is what you need. I mean look at that beauty! Its even eco friendly! All the chicks dig it! That magic paint job! You gotta get this thing!
Joe: Naw Reg. I want the pick up truck. Lets go get this done. I don’t want to lose a chance at getting this job. Joe turns towards the office takes 3 steps and hears SMASH! Turning around Joe sees Reg with a sledgehammer, breaking the windows, caving in the fenders, knocking off the mirrors. Shocked Joe runs over to Reg who is smiling as he walks away from the Dodge Palin, drops the sledgehammer , and wipes his hands briskly together.
Joe: What the hell did you do that for! Reg: I was saving you from yourself! Now that that’s settled, lets get you in that Romney Volt! Joe is dumbfounded. He doesn’t know what to say. He has heard a few stories in town saying that Reg has been acting a little erratic lately. Some say it all started when Tea Party Auto opened up a couple of years ago down the road. People had been telling Reg for a while now that they were getting tired of the limited selection he had on his lot for sale and promising things that he couldn’t deliver on. It was really bound to happen but Reg just kept ignoring his customers.
Joe thinks for a few seconds realizing he is pressed for time and doesn’t want to lose the job he starts to walk over to the black pickup truck. Joe: Alright Reg, I know you’ve been having a bit of a hard time with Tea Party Auto opening up a while ago so lets just put that incident behind us and take a look at that black Ford HurriCain. Joe walks over, kicks the tires. The Ford hurriCain is a bit smaller then the Dodge Palin. It does have a solid engine, no winch though, but its four wheel drive and it looks like it can do what he needs. He will just keep his tools in the cab. No big deal.
Over walks Reg. Reg: Joe, you don’t want that thing. It make look ok but I am telling you its not going to do what that Romney Volt can.
Joe: Ok, Reg. I know you want me to buy the Romney Volt. Like I said though Reg, I don’t want the Romney Volt. Its not going to do what I need it to do. I need this for a job. I don’t care about magic paint or that the thing is ‘eco’ whatever. I just want a pickup truck.
Reg: Its not what your looking for Joe. I know these things.
Joe: Enough Reg, I want the pickup. Lets just go to the office and get the paperwork done. Tell ya what. I will even do the registering with the state and all that myself. Ok?
Reg: Fine! But your going to be sorry.
Joe: I think I will be alright. Now you are not going to grab that sledgehammer again are you Reg? Reg smiles and shrugs.
Reb: Nope!
Joe: Good come on lets get to the office so I can get going. Joe and Reg head to the office. About halfway to the door Joe hears a loud WHOOSH! Turning around he sees three men dressed as ninjas slashing the tires, cutting brake lines, and finally lobbing a Molotov cocktail into the cab. As flames start engulfing the cab the three ninjas disappear into the woods.
Reg: Oh man! That’s some tough luck Joe! I cant believe that happened! That’s the zanyist thing I have ever seen. Lucky for you I still have that shiny Romney Volt!
Joe: What the hell is wrong with you Reg?! Are you flipping insane?! I don’t want the damn Romney Volt OK?! I need a pickup truck Rebg! What the hell is it about this freakin’ Romney Volt that has you destroying the rest of your inventory?! Jesus to Pete man!
Reg: Its because the Romney Volt is the best car ever! Its shiny! Its clean! Its been poll tested to show that independent car shoppers between the age of 18-45 might like it. Plus if you don’t buy it its your fault I will go out of business!
Joe cannot believe the words that just came out of Rebs mouth. My fault he goes out of business? What the hell? He could have just sold me the damn pick up and he would have the Romney Volt to sell to some professor from the Democrat University. They love these things. This man is bat shit crazy. I should just walk on down to Tea Party Auto but I don’t have the time. He walks over to Reg.
Joe: Ok that’s it! That beat up blue Chevy Newt with the plow on it.
Reg: That rusty old thing with all the dents?
Joe: Yes. That rusty old PICKUP with all the dents. I want it. I will give you the cost of your precious little Romney Volt plus the Chevy Newt on top. I will take care of the registration and all that crap. I am going to pay you in cash right here right now. On top of that I will plow your lot for free in the winter because I have a feeling the police are going to be showing up soon to take you into protective custody and you may be gone for a while. Lets just go get the keys so I can get the hell out of here!
Reg is beat red. His face is twisted into a snarl so contorted his eyes are watering. He looks as if he is about to explode. He blurts out. Reg: Your wife is ugly! You’re a backwater hick! You daughters a slut and you are not leaving this lot unless its in my Romney Volt! That’s final! End of story! Because if you don’t buy my Romeny Volt niether one of us is leaving this sales lot alive!
Suddenly Reg pulls a grenade out of his pocket and with a wry smile puts his finger through the pin ring.
Reb: So now what are you going to do now big guy!
A man in a big black bus drives by. Looking out the window between practice putts he has been sending down the isle he sees two men. One throwing his hands up in the air turns to walk away. The other is yanking something away from a round object in his hand and reaching for the other man. He smiles to himself as he settles over his next putt and whispers “Job security, gotta love it.”
A few seconds later, in the distance could be heard a faint boom.
He is just a fat guy in Maine.