Oh, frabjous day! Somewhere between the frozen circles of Hell and the fiery pits of Gehenna, Satan just requested a space heater. Bill and Hillary Clinton have agreed to testify under oath about Jeffrey Epstein. The New York Times ran a breaking story this morning, headlined, “Clintons Capitulate on House Epstein Inquiry, Agreeing to Testify.” I guess mocking Steve Bannon’s jail sentence for refusing to testify wasn’t such a hot idea, huh, Hillary?
The sub-headline explained, “Former President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, the ex-secretary of state, agreed to depositions they had long resisted— just days before the House was to vote to hold them in contempt.”
The Clintons’ chickens are coming home to roost— on Pedo Island. For thirty years, the Clintons have treated congressional subpoenas like Nigerian prince emails— acknowledged with a smirk and immediately deleted. But yesterday, as the House was literally mid-vote to hold them in contempt, the most Teflon couple in American political history finally ran out of non-stick spray.
They tried everything and House Republicans held the line. How about written statements? Rejected. A four-hour interview in New York where Bill could bill by the hour? Rejected. Hillary submitting a sworn pinky-promise instead of showing up? Rejected. The Clintons’ lawyers fired off a flurry of desperate last-minute emails more creative than a middle-schooler explaining why his test answers were identical to the girl right in front of him.
Then, mid-committee-meeting, as Chairman James Comer (R-Ky) was literally testifying about holding them in contempt, their attorney fired off a desperate email: Fine. We’ll come. “The Clintons,” the Times admitted, “ultimately waved the white flag and agreed to fully comply with Mr. Comer’s demands.” It was total surrender. “The Clintons on Monday evening agreed to all of Mr. Comer’s demands, removing any time limit on the deposition of Mr. Clinton or on the range of topics that Republicans could ask him about.”
Only two weeks ago, the Clintons remained defiant. “Every person has to decide when they have seen or had enough and are ready to fight for this country, its principles and its people, no matter the consequences,” the Clintons wrote in an overlong letter to Chairman Comer on January 13th. “For us, now is that time.”
Haha, well, not exactly ‘no matter the consequences.’ Apparently not if the consequences include four months in chokey.
🔥 This is another one for the history books. The records are toppling like dominoes these days. “For Mr. Clinton to testify in the Epstein investigation would be nearly unprecedented,” the Times somberly reported. “No former president has appeared before Congress since 1983, when President Gerald R. Ford did so to discuss the celebration of the 1987 bicentennial.”
After months of insisting that the majesty of the office required that former presidents not be subjected to this indignity, last night their spokesman bravely pivoted and said the Clintons “look forward to setting a precedent that applies to everyone.” Give me a break.
This, from a woman who ran a classified email server from her bathroom closet. From the family that BleachBit-scrubbed 33,000 subpoenaed emails, smashed BlackBerries with hammers, and told congressional investigators to go pound sand for three decades. Bill Clinton flew on Epstein’s Lolita Express at least 26 times, according to flight logs. Sometimes he ditched his Secret Service detail. He visited Epstein’s island. He accepted Epstein’s money. He posed for photographs, some of which are hard to look at before eating.
The Clintons lecturing about equal treatment is like Jeffrey Dahmer complaining about portion sizes at Applebee’s.
Now they must testify under oath, under penalty of perjury, with a court reporter recording every syllable in writing. I’m sure it’ll go great. Bill Clinton has a sterling history with sworn testimony.
🔥 If they think potential contempt charges were threatening, wait till Bill and Hillary start considering what the Republicans might do with perjury charges. Jail for contempt is measured in months. Prison for perjury is measured in years. Bill was already disbarred for lying under oath about Monica Lewinsky— and that was at the pinnacle of his Teflon status, for a relatively trivial Oval Office dalliance.
Now he’s agreed to another deposition, this one about cavorting with convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. In 2026. With millions of Epstein files surging around the internet. With a deposition transcript that will almost certainly be published online, thanks to the Epstein Transparency Act. What could possibly go wrong? I wonder if they’ll ask the former president about Epstein’s portrait of him? 🍿
Think about the undisclosed reasons Hillary is also being deposed. Bill’s the one with the flight logs, the photographs, and the “arms-length friendship.” What does Hillary know about Epstein that requires sworn testimony? What does House Oversight know about what Hillary knows? I’m sure it’s nothing. The Clintons have always been so forthcoming about their associates. Just ask Vince Foster. Oh wait. Sorry, you can’t.
Will we finally learn what “is” means?
🔥 Not to beat a bleach-bit Clinton, but let’s take one more moment to consider the incredible, astounding, made-for-TV timing. Just as the Clinton deposition demand was reaching its crescendo, literally millions of new Epstein documents flooded out as if from a burst sewer main. Bill Gates’ STD tests. British royalty in their underwear. Politicians, professors, princes — all scrambling like a nest of silverfish when the exterminator shows up.
And it was now, right at this precise historic moment, after months of steadfast defiance, the Clintons suddenly decided that testifying under oath is actually fine. Can you see how perfectly it played out? The Epstein files made it politically possible to hold the Clintons in contempt. Indeed, a bunch of Democrats on the House Oversight Committee joined Republicans in voting for contempt.
Not because they believe in the “rule of law.” Because of the optics. Democrats just spent a year demanding Epstein transparency. At long, long, last, the Clintons finally ran out of slimy trails to dodge down, and were cornered.
You think this incredible timing was just a fortuitous coincidence? Does it maybe put Trump’s delay in releasing the Epstein files last year in a different light?
🔥 For three decades, the Clintons have been America’s most unsquashable political cockroaches— surviving scandals that would have instantly vaporized anyone else. Whitewater. Travelgate. Lewinsky. Email servers. Benghazi. The Foundation. Uranium One. Hot Dog-gate.
But every single time, they scurried away unscathed, protected by a media palace guard and a Justice Department that couldn’t find probable cause with a GPS and a sherpa. They had no reason to believe they wouldn’t ooze out again. But then Trump’s DOJ arrested Epstein. And Epstein died in a cell with cameras that mysteriously malfunctioned. And the files got seized. And now those files are public.
And now … the Clintons were forced to answer questions under oath. Without any heads-up or warning, Bob’s your uncle, the Clintons suddenly looked down and realized they’re standing in a coffin.
