Sunday Funnies

Friday May 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

You people sound like you’re all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves.

It is wildfire season here in Southern California; there’s a big wildfire about 20 miles from the studio. They are calling it the Lindsay Lohan fire. It’s not as hot as it used to be, but it’s still way out of control.

You ever notice that all these rehab facilities have names like Next Steps, Morningside, and Promises? Lindsay Lohan needs a place called Miracles.

It was so hot today in Burbank that Reese Witherspoon was sitting in a cop car just for the air conditioning.

Late Show with David Letterman

This weekend, on Saturday, is the Kentucky Derby. I think it’s held in one of the Southern states.

This year will be the first time they have an openly gay horse.

It’s a beautiful day here in New York. It was so beautiful, so sunny in New York City today that people were actually walking up to Iron Man and saying, “Aren’t you hot in that thing?”

Iron Man is older now. He started out in the prime of life, and in “Iron Man 2” he got a little older, and now in “Iron Man 3” he actually has to take an iron supplement.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“Iron Man 3” opened today. In this one, Iron Man goes up against his most dangerous enemy yet: rust.

I like the fact that Iron Man doesn’t keep his identity a secret. Everyone knows he’s Tony Stark. So he’s free to be himself. He won’t let a uniform hide who he truly is. Like the NBA’s Jason Collins.

Iron Man, of course, is played by Robert Downey Jr. He is fantastic. But he’s saying that this will be the last time he plays Iron Man. That’s Hollywood code for, “Hey movie studio. Pony up.”

Robert Downey Jr.’s girlfriend is played by Gwyneth Paltrow. She plays the character of Pepper Potts. How’d they come up with that name? An executive said, “Give me a condiment and a cooking utensil.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This is a big weekend. On Saturday you’ve got the Kentucky Derby, and this Sunday is Cinco de Mayo. And Monday is the day you wake up and wonder why you’re wearing a saddle.

Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he’s getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again.

A man managed to hitchhike 100,000 miles without spending any money on travel. He says he did it all with a friendly smile, a positive attitude, and an ax.

There’s a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea.

Monday May 06 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, “I dare you to do better” — to which the students yelled back, “No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!”

Mexico’s economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They’re getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans.

For the first time ever, girls in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to take part in school sports. Of course, their moms won’t be allowed to drive them to practice. But hey, it’s progress.

Taco Bell’s chief marketing executive says they are now working on a new low-end menu. What? You mean the stuff they’ve been serving is the high-end stuff?

Conan

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, “If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.”

According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you’re a boring white guy, anything is possible.

A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. He told the cop, “I’m a bishop. I’m supposed to move diagonally.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Sunday was Cinco de Mayo. I don’t know exactly what that is, but I celebrate it.

Cinco de Mayo is the day we honor people that we’re trying to keep out of the country.

Cinco de Mayo here in New York City is not as much fun as it used to be because Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed salt and alcohol.

Also over the weekend was the Kentucky Derby. It featured a lot of things — a woman jockey and, as I understand it, the first openly black jockey.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is raining in L.A. When it rains here, everybody loses their minds. In the rest of the country, everybody knows how the deal with weather, but in L.A. we don’t. We’re on storm watch 2013.

It was very wet here in L.A. Nobody was walking anywhere. The traffic wasn’t moving. And then the rain started.

How wet was it? It’s so wet today that NBC replaced Jay Leno with Aquaman.

It was so wet, Reese Witherspoon got a DUI on a jet ski.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

“Iron Man 3” made $175 million in the United States and $680 million worldwide. It’s the second biggest opening behind “The Avengers,” which proves something I have known for a long time. We are all nerds now.

The only thing I didn’t understand when I saw “Iron Man 3” was that Iron Man was in a lot of trouble and the world was in a lot of trouble but The Avengers were nowhere to be found. What happened? Did he lose their phone numbers? Did they unfriend him on Facebook?

Where were The Avengers? Seems like if the president is being held hostage, maybe bring the guy with the hammer that shoots lightning bolts.

I make it a policy to not get news from any network with an exclamation point in its name.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, “Wait, isn’t that literally your responsibility?”

Over the weekend the Twitter account for the E! network was hacked. Apparently the hackers started tweeting fake stories about real celebrities — as opposed to what E! normally does, which is tweet real stories about fake celebrities.

Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him “practice.”

The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: “National Parks: Nobody Knows You’re Drinking in Here.”

Tuesday May 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden’s mouth stapled.

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses.

Lindsay Lohan has checked into the Betty Ford Center. Celebrities who have been treated at Betty Ford swear by the place. In fact, they return again and again and again.

The Rolling Stones played the Staples Center here. They are on their big Centrum Silver tour. Tickets went for as much $650. And that’s minus the Medicare deductible.

Conan

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.

Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I’ll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction.

A Texas man has fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question: Don’t you think a gun created by a printer would jam?

A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it’s the fault of women who wear revealing clothes. So yet another setback for the Tehran Hooters.

Late Show with David Letterman

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won’t be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, “Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.”

Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol.

Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart.

The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, “Well, that would be great if I had a job.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, “Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?” And 50 people raised their hands.

Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones played here at the Staples Center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats. I guess if people wanted go to the Staples Center to see old guys shuffling around way past their prime, they’d just go see the Lakers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there’s been so much food in New Jersey lately.

If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He’s the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever.

Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s “Iron Lady.” Or as Biden put it, “Can you introduce me to Iron Man?”

Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we’re going to war with North Korea.

Mayor Bloomberg announced that large sections of New York City will get free Wi-Fi by the end of the year. Bloomberg says he’s excited to bring a new service to New Yorkers. New Yorkers say they’re excited to complain about it the moment it goes down.

Last night’s episode of “Dancing With the Stars” had the worst ratings in the history of the show. You can tell “Dancing with the Stars” is struggling because it was just named a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Wednesday May 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in.

Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America.

New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?

According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green.

Conan

In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that WAS Nancy Pelosi.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, “I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.”

According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady.

Late Show with David Letterman

Do you know what cicadas are? Every 17 years they come up out of the ground and then they attack everything. This year they’re expecting a trillion cicadas. Mayor Bloomberg is advising New Yorkers to move their marijuana plants indoors.

The cicadas are back after 17 years, but they don’t have their original drummer.

Domino’s now has a thing where you go to your computer and you can watch them making the pizza. I liked it better when they just left that to the imagination.

Tom Hanks was voted the most trusted man in the United States. I was on the list but a little farther down. I was between Reese Witherspoon and Maury Povich.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A volcano in Alaska has been erupting for about five days. Alaska is a huge state. It’s so vast, white, and frozen, that the early settlers gave it the nickname “Nicole Kidman’s forehead.”

They have some weird laws in Alaska. This is true. It is against the law in Alaska to awaken a sleeping bear. Who’s going to break that law? “I’ve had a couple of drinks. I’m going to wake a sleeping bear.”

All this volcanic ash over Alaska can cause big problems. We’re all worried about one thing: ash drifting into Canada and disrupting the hockey playoffs.

Volcanic ash can really mess with airplanes. And we can’t let this volcano disrupt our air travel. That’s the government’s job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Former NBA player Dennis Rodman has asked North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to release American prisoner Kenneth Bay. Rodman said, “I’m calling for Kim to do me a solid” and release Kenneth Bay.” How do you think the Koreans will translate “do me a solid?”

I’m sure Kenneth Bay would be thrilled to hear that Dennis Rodman is on his case.

Wouldn’t it be something if it worked? How many can say they were saved from a North Korean prison camp by Dennis Rodman? Three, four. Eight, maybe.

Why do I feel this somehow ends with Michael Jordan being forced to fly to Pyongyang to sign the “Space Jam” poster hanging over Kim Jong Un’s bed to prevent nuclear Armageddon?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. That means you have four days to pick out the perfect gift before just buying flowers on the way to brunch.

Actually, a new survey found out the average American will spend $168 on Mother’s Day this year. For any woman who’s been through labor for a day and a half, remember, it pays exactly $168.

A movie version of “Dungeons and Dragons” is in the works. It’s expected to set all-time records for people saying, “Ticket for one, please.”

Thursday May 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

On Mother’s Day, Hooters is giving away free wings to all mothers who come in. Eating lunch with your mom at Hooters — I guess some guys never get tired of their moms saying, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?

The Dodgers lost again last night. What is that, seven in a row? Their payroll is $239 million and they are in last place. They’re like NBC with baseball bats.

According to researchers, people in the 25-to-35 age group are now experiencing mid-life crises. Who thinks the best years of their lives are behind them at the age of 25? Besides the cast of “Jersey Shore,” of course.

Conan

Hooter’s is letting mothers eat for free on Mother’s Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perve?

Long John Silver’s has just hired a new executive to revamp their menu. For starters, he said they’re going to start experimenting with something called fish.

Taco Bell has announced they’re introducing a new $1 cravings menu. Here’s how it works. You pay $1, you eat the food, and then you crave a toilet.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow’s got a better chance of passing.

NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane.

I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It’s eight months if you leave from Newark.

Mars is a frontier. It’s wide open. Listen to this. There is only one late-night talk show on Mars. That’s how primitive things are on Mars.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Not a great day for Sir Paul McCartney. During a concert in Brazil, he got attacked by a swarm of grasshoppers. That’s a very unusual thing to have happen to you. But it didn’t faze him at all. He just thought he was having an acid flashback.

Yesterday police arrested 31 people involved in that big jewel heist in Belgium. That’s a lot of people. Now $50 million worth of jewels sounds like a lot, but split 31 ways, it hardly seems worth the effort.

One of the jewel thieves they captured yesterday was also a lawyer. That is a shame. Now lawyers will get a bad reputation.

Imagine being a jewel thief by night and a lawyer by day. You go from one job taking all that money and wrecking people’s lives, and then onto being a jewel thief.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Mother’s Day is on Sunday. Americans will spend between $17 billion and $20 billion on Mother’s Day. The average spending is about $169 per mom — which is the reason NBA players need so much money.

A giant African land snail was found. Authorities are worried there could be more. They can chew through stucco, and they carry potentially deadly meningitis. So far the snails have been found in Florida, Texas, and in the meatballs at IKEA.

The snails have no natural predators. In fact, city officials are considering bringing in giant French people to eat them.

If you’re in Houston and you see a giant snail coming toward you, walk slowly for your life.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200.

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience.

A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they’re not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone.

A new iPhone app can actually figure out how happy users are. Although if you need to download an app to tell you if you’re happy, you’re not.

Source