Sunday Funnies

Friday Mar 15 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC.

You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don’t have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads.

New Jersey officials say that one of their state’s landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they’re going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship.

Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won’t try to board them now.

Late Show with David Letterman

Are you folks excited about St. Patrick’s Day? It’s the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers.

We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce.

Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night.

Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s the Ides of March. That means today you have to be extra careful to avoid a disaster. If you’re watching this show, you clearly didn’t heed the warnings.

Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business.

Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That’s why she was known as the “Egyptian Taylor Swift.”

After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar’s cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that “Today” show host Matt Lauer is the top choice to replace Alex Trebek when he leaves “Jeopardy.” Or as Alex Trebek put it, “Who is Matt Lauer?”

Last night a woman in New York gave birth to a healthy baby girl inside a Walmart. Obviously it’s a little embarrassing to give birth in a Walmart, which is why she plans on telling her daughter she was born in a Target.

U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone’s computer. It’s called “Microsoft Windows.”

Monday Mar 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water.

You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives.

I woke up this morning to the sound of helicopters and police sirens — which of course in L.A. can only mean one thing: Lindsay Lohan’s back in court again.

Lindsay was late once again for a court appearance by almost an hour. But I blame the judge. Who in his right mind would schedule a Lindsay Lohan court appearance for the morning after St. Patrick’s Day?

Late Show with David Letterman

I went over to St. Patrick’s cathedral earlier and they’re giving away free Pope bobbleheads.

“Jeopardy” host Alec Trebek announced that he is retiring. He said he’s too old and just doesn’t have the energy to be the host anymore. And I said, “Great, another conclave. Here we go.”

Anybody go to the St. Patrick’s parade? How many of you attended the parade and were beaten up and now have amnesia?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Lindsay Lohan was back in court for a probation violation hearing. She was 48 minutes late to court. What she really needs to steal is a watch.

Tiger Woods announced he is dating Lindsey Vonn. So just when you thought Lohan had a lock on the title of Lindsay with the worst judgment, along comes Lindsey Vonn.

Tiger said, “We have become close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and respecting our privacy.” And the best way to keep it private is to post about it on Facebook.

It’s nice to see Tiger with a woman not holding a subpoena for a change.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Happy St. Hangover’s Day, everybody.

It is the day after St. Patrick’s Day. So if you’re just waking up now, I’m sorry, I don’t know whose apartment you’re in.

The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s “The Bible” looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, “How can you do that to Satan?”

Tuesday Mar 19 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser.

She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings.

The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.

The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?”

Late Show with David Letterman

How about this weather? Isn’t it crazy? It’s 46 and cloudy — like Lindsay Lohan.

The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course.

The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night on “The Tonight Show,” during the monologue Jay Leno called NBC executives “snakes.” The response came quickly. “Jay Leno has crossed the line and gone too far,” responded the snakes.

The new show “Bates Motel” premiered last night. It was very suspenseful. The whole time watching it I was thinking, “Will that guy get stabbed? Will he survive to see the next week?” I’m sorry, that’s while I was watching “The Tonight Show.”

I have a problem with “Bates Motel.” It’s set in the present day. I don’t like that. I don’t want to see Norman Bates texting, “OMG, mom just stabbed somebody.”

Justin Bieber says he’s growing a mustache. He’s going to post the finished result on Twitter, assuming Twitter still exists in the year 2050.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Tomorrow is the first official day of spring, although you would not know it if you live in New England or wherever heavy snow is falling again. Do you remember that groundhog that said we’d have an early winter and early spring? We should eat him. Someone has to pay for this.

For many colleges, this is spring break. College kids will go to places like South Beach to make mistakes they will cherish for a lifetime.

Spring break is an important American tradition. It’s how we grow a new crop of MTV teen moms.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today’s the last full day of winter. Which means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?”

Kate Middleton revealed that she wants to have a boy, but Prince William is hoping for a girl. However, they both agree that no matter what gender it is, its nanny will love it just the same.

Burger King is now offering a turkey burger on its menu. Or as horses put it, “Nope, still us.”

Wednesday Mar 20 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. Well, what a genius this guy is. Let’s pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline.

Hey, if you think it costs a lot to fill up your tank now, just wait until Starbucks is involved.

You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival Cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever.

Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do “Jurassic Park”-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there’s hope for NBC. It could turn around.

Late Show with David Letterman

A guy in Great Britain found a way to make cars run on coffee. It sounds like a great idea, right? Well, wait until you start trying to fill up the tank at Starbucks.

The good news is if cars start running on coffee, it means once again I can smoke at the pumps.

The new Pope worked as a bouncer in a nightclub. You don’t think of that as step number one on your way to the top, do you?

I believe he’s the only Pope who has ever said, “You’ve had enough, Miss Lohan.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The first day of spring is known as the “vernal equinox.” The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

It is spring in L.A. Flowers are blooming, sundresses are coming out, and Taylor Swift is gathering up new boyfriends to last through the summer.

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers — at least until their plastic surgery heals.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to “early spring psychosis.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Do we have spring breakers in the audience tonight? You have the week off. You know, the kids in China get only six MINUTES off for spring break.

How does spring break work for people who get their degrees online? Do they go to websites about the beach?

The president filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that.

A chicken in China laid a giant egg. When they cracked the egg open, they found two yolks in it. Then they found, inside the egg, another egg. And when they cracked that egg open, it had another yolk in it. The chicken gave birth to a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A man in the U.K. is making news for getting his car to run on coffee. That’s a good idea. Since gas prices aren’t high enough, let’s add Starbucks to the equation.

During his visit to Israel today, President Obama’s limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: “Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?”

President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. It’s been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win.

A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, “That’s your Plan A?”

Thursday Mar 21 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Are you all excited about March Madness? People are talking about who’s in, who’s out, and who’s going to be eliminated. And that’s just here at NBC.

The University of Colorado says the idea that sleep deprivation causes weight gain is much worse than previously thought. They say insomnia can cause almost immediate weight gain. Well, that should help you sleep, huh? Not only are you tired, you’re going to be fat, too.

A new report shows that one in six Americans is now Hispanic. Well, the other five are also Hispanic. They are just not Americans.

Justin Bieber announced that he’s growing a mustache. I guess we’ll just have to take his word for it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It’s March Madness. If you didn’t fill out a bracket, it’s too late — although you could still throw your $10 in the garbage disposal and run it.

Between March Madness, Facebook, and Twitter, they say the average worker will work a total of 12 minutes over the next three weeks.

A company called Dog Nation just launched an IQ online test for your dog. It covers understanding hand gestures and learning words. It’s actually a secret IQ test for humans. If you pay $60 to give your dog an IQ test, you failed.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Miami Heat has won an incredible 24 games in a row. It has been so long since the Heat lost, the last time it happened I had to page my friend on his beeper to tell him about it.

The last time the Heat lost, Conan O’Brien was the host of “The Tonight Show.”

The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters — you know, to ask them not to vote.

Fox is coming out with a new miniseries about the O.J. Simpson trial. It should be pretty entertaining for the people who don’t know the full details of the case. You know, like the jury.

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