Sunday Funnies

Oct. 4, 2012

“It’s like Obama wasn’t even there. He hasn’t done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood.” –Stephen Colbert

“There is no red America! There is no blue America! There is only the America that can’t believe how bad this guy did in the debate.” –Jon Stewart

The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.

“They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn’t tune in was President Obama. What happened?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said he’s going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It’s interesting — one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird.” –David Letterman

“A lot of people disappointed in President Obama’s performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, ‘At the next debate, no more angry birds.'” –Conan O’Brien

“At one point last night President said the one thing about being president is learning to say no — especially when someone asks, ‘Do you feel ready for this debate?'” –Conan O’Brien

“During last night’s debate, Mitt Romney said he’d cut funds to PBS, even though he loves Big Bird. He’s definitely against whatever the hell Bert and Ernie are up to.” –Conan O’Brien

“After months of buildup, last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn’t show up to the event — Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama.” –Jimmy Fallon

“During last night’s debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, “Can you explain your tax plan?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The president seemed to give long-winded, disjointed answers during last night’s debate. Even Gay Busey was like, ‘Dude, you’ve got to focus.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jim Lehrer had trouble making sure the candidates stuck to the rules last night. Even NFL replacement refs were like, ‘This guy’s a disaster!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Most analysts think Mitt Romney won the debate last night. Which means President Obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife’s friends at a dinner party.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The only thing that could have salvaged the president’s performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Moderator for the debate last night was Jim Lehrer of PBS, and Jim was as in control of this evening as a replacement referee.” –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Debate Moderator”

10. Fire starter’s pistol to begin debate; is whisked away by security service
9. Opens event by saying, “Everyone knows elections are a sham”
8. Pronounces the name ‘Rombley’
7. Moderates debate via speakerphone; greets candidates with “Hello, Angels”
6. Keeps asking Mitt if he’d like to concede
5. Barely stops clipping his fingernails to ask a question
4. Performs Sade song parody, “Smooth Moderator”
3. Every question is about canker sores
2. He’s flanked by his “goddesses”
1. Refers to candidates as ‘the Mormon’ and ‘the Kenyan’

Oct. 5, 2012

“I’m sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It’s like he took my million and spent it all on weed.” –Bill Maher

“Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.” –David Letterman

“Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda. “–David Letterman

“In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, ‘Well, what about just for fun?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, ‘Any way they can play him in a debate?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Twitter said today that Wednesday night’s debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten President Obama Excuses”

10. “I haven’t slept an hour since 2008”
9. “Romney’s hair is mesmerizing”
8. “Didn’t want to wake Jim Lehrer”
7. “Haven’t been the same since I quit smoking”
6. “Honestly, I thought the debate was next week”
5. “I live with my mother-in-law, what do you want from me?”
4. “Kept blanking on what percentage of the country Mitt’s written off”
3. “Skipped rehearsal, just like Letterman”
2. “Why don’t you ask Bin Laden how I did?”
1. “It’s Bush’s fault”

Oct. 6, 2012

“During Wednesday’s debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it’s a surprising threat considering that ‘Mitt’ is such an excellent Muppet name.” –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week’s Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this.” –Seth Meyers

“According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday’s debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.” –Seth Meyers

“In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?” –Seth Meyers

Oct. 8, 2012

“I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a sh*tty recipe.” –Jon Stewart

“Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, ‘the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The vice-presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him ‘like a cannonball.’ In response, Biden was like, ‘There’s gonna be a pool there?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week’s presidential debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don’t know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“While the average American’s net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn’t motivated to do anything — they’re the only ones better off now than they were four years ago.” –Jay Leno

“Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it’s been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can’t wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate.” –Jay Leno

“It’s Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.” –David Letterman

“Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He’s taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what?” –David Letterman

“The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise.” –David Letterman

“President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don’t work out next month.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 9-10, 2012

“The vice-presidential debate is tomorrow night. Democrats took a pounding at the last debate, so now they’re going to be a little more aggressive. Joe Biden is thinking of opening with a head butt.” –David Letterman

“It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn’t there for the last one either.” –David Letterman

“You know Obama’s campaign is in trouble when they’re looking to Joe Biden to turn things around.” –David Letterman

“Here comes the vice-presidential debate. My favorite part of a debate is when a candidate will tell a heartfelt anecdote about a struggling American who lives in a swing state.” –David Letterman

“You know the Obama campaign’s in trouble when they’re looking to Joe Biden to turn things around.” –David Letterman

“Tomorrow night Joe Biden and Paul Ryan will be facing off in the vice-presidential debate. The White House was a little worried. In fact, Biden’s handlers are telling him, ‘Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be anybody else.'” –Jay Leno

“The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from ‘Change you can believe in’ to ‘Can you believe there’s no change.'” –Jay Leno

“Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called ‘Kids Pick the President.’ Romney said it’s nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents.” –Jay Leno

“Can you believe it’s only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?” –Jay Leno

“This week the Obamas’ dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, ‘That’s too many locations, man.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney’s son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That’s right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son’s shoulder and said ‘Tagg, you’re it!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe – well, you’re probably one of them.” –Jimmy Fallon

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