Sunday Funnies

Aug. 27, 2012

“The Republican convention was worried that it was going to be postponed or maybe completely canceled because of Hurricane Isaac. This is serious stuff. CNN is on full Blitzer.” –David Letterman

“NASA has actually landed a car on Mars. It’s called the Curiosity. That vehicle, now on Mars, cost two and a half million dollars. But when you drive that thing off the lot, instantly it’s worth less than half that.” –David Letterman

“It seems the GOP has placed 13,000 umbrellas in bins outside the hall for people to use. Delegates can’t bring them inside for security reasons, so after you use the umbrella, you drop it off for the next person to use. That sounds like creeping socialism.” –Jay Leno

“Last week President Obama met with the White House press corps for only the second time this year. He said he would have met with them more, but he’s been so busy campaigning, he didn’t have time to write their questions.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama brews his own beer in the White House. In honor of Joe Biden, they put it in a special big mouth bottle.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow the Mars rover is going to premier the new Black Eyed Peas song by beaming it back to Earth. In other words, the rover has turned against us. The machines have risen.” –Conan O’Brien

Aug. 28, 2012

“Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do.” –Jay Leno

“According to a poll released last week, Mitt Romney has zero percent of the black vote. In fact, if it weren’t for John Boehner, Romney wouldn’t have any support from people of color at all.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters. Well, you can understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can’t find a job.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish.” –Jay Leno

“Today the Mars rover broadcast a song by the Black Eyed Peas. So there you have it, folks. Mars really is uninhabitable.” –Conan O’Brien

“An all-female rock band from Russia, in a Moscow cathedral, played a protest song about Vladimir Putin’s ties to the church. Putin’s henchmen tracked them down and threw them in prison. They were charged with hooliganism. Is that a crime? That’s like being charged with tomfoolery. Or shenanigans.” –Craig Ferguson

“If you don’t agree with Putin, you get sent to a gulag. Maybe they should’ve sung it ironically, sung about the fact that Putin got elected with 140 percent of the vote.” –Craig Ferguson

“Some Russians are claiming that Putin’s election was rigged and that he has no legitimate claim to power. You know what these Russians are called? Missing.” –Craig Ferguson

Aug. 29, 2012

“Ann Romney spoke last night. I thought she was quite eloquent. Analysts say her role was to show that Mitt has a tender side. And then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal.” –Jay Leno

“According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama’s Twitter followers are fake. They don’t even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn’t be any jobs for them.” –Jay Leno

“The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good. Just don’t drink the Kool-Aid.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn’t really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008.” –Conan O’Brien

“Here’s what’s great about America. You can now buy waffle-flavored vodka. See, good things are happening under Obama.” –David Letterman

“The Republican National Convention is in full swing in Tampa. Speeches are being made. Hats flown in the air. Everyone gets their own hippie to slap around.” –Craig Ferguson

“Working out has given Paul Ryan phenomenal abs. His abs are so in demand that TMZ is offering a bounty for anyone who can get an in-focus shot.” –Craig Ferguson

“You can think outside the box and pick someone who’ll excite people like Sarah Palin or you can play it safe with an honest down-home family man like John Edwards.” –Craig Ferguson

“I can’t wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.” –Craig Ferguson

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