Sunday Funnies

July 12, 2012

“Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney announced that he’s going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands. I’m not quite sure.” –Jay Leno

“An Indiana man has pleaded guilty to strapping four kids to the hood of his car and then driving them around. So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate. I think this could be the guy. Put the dogs on one car, the kids on the other… ” –Jay Leno

“There’s talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves “American Idol” they’re going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden made a sex joke during his speech yesterday, referring to the house he grew up in. They didn’t have much and Biden said, ‘The walls were very thin and I wondered how my parents ever did it.’ Do you get the feeling every time Joe Biden speaks, President Obama wishes Biden’s parents never really did do it?” –Jay Leno

“Good news coming out of North Korea. You know they had Kim Jong Il and he passed away so his son Kim Jong Un is now the leader. He has a new girlfriend — Kim Jong Kardashi-un.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is worth $250 million, and reporters said, “Mitt, honestly, how did you get so rich?’ And he said, ‘Well, I’ve always been good with my money and I do smart things. I always make sure my tires are properly inflated. And I save 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.'” –David Letterman

“Wall Street says they prefer Mitt Romney for president. And by God, who could question Wall Street’s judgment?” –David Letterman

“A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.” –David Letterman

July 13, 2012

“In an interview with CBS, President Obama said the biggest mistake of his first term was not telling a story to give Americans a sense of unity. In response, Americans were like, ‘Yeah, fixing the economy would’ve been cool too.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Sarasota Republican party has named Donald Trump its statesman of the year. If there’s one word I’d think of to describe Trump, it’s ‘statesman-like.’ And if there were four words, they would be ‘not at all statesman-like.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That’s the worst part.” –Jay Leno

“Happy Friday the 13th – and to prove he’s not superstitious, Mitt Romney drove around with a black cat on the roof of his car.” –Jay Leno

“Have you heard this? They’re saying Condoleezza Rice is on the top of the vice presidential list for Mitt Romney. Many Republicans think they compliment each other: Romney has experience with American jobs, Condi has experience with foreign countries, and since all American jobs are in foreign countries, they would be the perfect team.” –Jay Leno

July 16, 2012

“On Friday Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mitt Romney. They talked about politics, foreign policy, and what it’s like to lose a million dollars in the couch cushions.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under President Obama. While the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.” –Jay Leno

“Critics are saying these Chinese uniforms are un-American. Have you looked around America lately? Cheap crap made in China. That’s what we’re wearing. Does it get any more American than that? ” –Jay Leno

“We have American athletes in uniforms made in China, wearing French berets. I don’t know if we’re supposed to compete, ask for a loan or surrender.” –Jay Leno

“The big news in Washington now is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He’s completely disappeared. People think he’s either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN.” –Jay Leno

July 17, 2012

“At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam.” –Conan O’Brien

“During last night’s USA-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. That’s cute. It explains why everyone was like, ‘quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday in Cincinnati, Jerry Springer announced that he is endorsing Obama. Don’t get too excited. Obama still has to win over Judge Judy and Maury.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin hasn’t yet received an invitation to the Republican Convention…I don’t think she should feel bad. A lot of Republicans aren’t excited that Mitt Romney is going.” –Jay Leno

“Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.” –Jay Leno

“After years of criticism for his poor record on boosting employment, President Barack Obama is pleased to announce today he created a job. Congratulations to Amelio Markham from Smithsburg, Maryland, on his new job, making charts illustrating President Obama’s downward spiraling approval ratings.” –David Letterman

“Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.” –David Letterman

“You know anything about North Korea? The evil North Koreans? They have a new evil dictator. But the kid is like 18 years old and he has a beautiful girlfriend. I mean a stunning, lovely girlfriend and they met through the North Korean dating service match.commie.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday in Cincinnati, President Barack Obama had a meeting with Jerry Springer. He is trying to win the vote of husbands who cheat on their wives with men. That’s a big demographic.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney is close to announcing his running mate. Apparently Romney wants a female with a strong stage presence and the free time to campaign. So I’m guessing Steven Tyler.” –Craig Ferguson

July 18, 2012

“President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn’t kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn’t that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he’s actually married to?” –Jay Leno

“Romney’s surrogate, John Sununu, he’s in hot water for saying that, ‘I wish president Obama would learn how to be an American.’ Well, that’s kind of insulting, isn’t it? Don’t you think? President Obama spends money he doesn’t have. He loves to skip work and play golf. He sneaks away from his wife to eat fatty foods. What is more American than that?” –Jay Leno

“The Obama administration has reportedly told Syrian rebels they can’t help them until after the election. So at least they’re consistent. That’s the same thing they’re telling us. ‘Can’t help you until after the election.” –Jay Leno

“Every American athlete who wears the Chinese made uniforms will get a free bootleg copy of the new Batman movie.” –Jay Leno

“In his new campaign ad, President Obama asks, ‘What is Mitt Romney hiding?’ My guess: a personality.” –Jay Leno

“During a fundraiser a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can makes jokes.” –Jay Leno

“North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country’s military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un.” –Conan O’Brien

“We’re learning more and more about this guy Kim Jong-Un. New vicious, evil dictator of North Korea. Quite a . . . Apparently quite a ladies’ man. For a long time he was known as Kim Jong Clooney.” –David Letterman

“Batman is a billionaire who doesn’t trust the system to get the job done. He has a butler and an awesome car that gets like two miles to the gallon. He is the most republican superhero of all time! Batman is a republican.” –Craig Ferguson

“The boy Scouts of American has announced that they will continue to enforce their policy of banning opening gay boys from being scouts and openly gay adults from taking leadership positions in the organization. Between this and same sex marriage, people really don’t want gay people tying knots.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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