Sunday Funnies

June 29, 2012

“I could not wait to start using my Obamacare. Today, I swallowed a fist full of birth control pills and then washed it down with poison. What do I care, it’s free?” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney came out and said, ‘It is bad policy, it is bad law, I must have been drunk when I came up with it.'” –Bill Maher

“Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he’s just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That’s it, ‘F**k you all. I’m just not doing it.’ So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you’re going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money.” –Bill Maher

“Of course, there’s always Tim Pawlenty. He almost makes Mitt Romney look interesting, in the way that a blank sheet of paper makes a sheet of paper with a smudge on it look interesting.” –Bill Maher

“Last night was the big annual congressional baseball game between the Democrats and Republicans, and the Democrats won 18-5. Of course the Democrats won. Did you see who the umpire was? Chief Justice John Roberts.” –Jay Leno

“The Obamacare ruling makes Roberts the first Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“People will now have to have health insurance. The same way every driver in California has car insurance.” –Jay Leno

“The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started. ” –Jay Leno

“This week Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, ‘Is this Hell?'” –Jimmy Fallon

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(More 4th of July funnies here)