Sunday Funnies

June 14, 2012

“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning – he demanded to see his own birth certificate.” –David Letterman

“They had a great party for Donald Trump with a beautiful cake. It was 50 stories high with retail and parking. They even had a clown. It was Donald himself.” –David Letterman

“There’s talk that this October President Obama might announce his support for legalizing marijuana. Which explains why he’s moving his family from the White House to White Castle.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn’t want a big party so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea – something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?” –Jay Leno

“Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they’re not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It’s now a gated community.” –Jay Leno

“Federal prosecutors also announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he’s available!” –Jay Leno

“Charges against John Edwards have been dropped; charges against Lance Armstrong have been reinstated… So let’s clarify – it’s okay to cheat on your wife and use millions of dollars in campaign funds to cover it up, but God help you if you’re an American who wins a bicycle race in France. You are screwed.” –Jay Leno

June 15, 2012

“Republicans Yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children — except it turned out they weren’t Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, ‘Enter around back.'” –Bill Maher

“Obama has been to more fundraisers already than the last six presidents combined. He had one in New York the other day at Sarah Jessica Parker’s apartment, and the Republicans of course say, ‘This proves that Obama is an elitist who hangs out with the Hollywood types. What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?'” –Bill Maher

“Regular guy Mitt Romney is on a bus tour…he’s on a bus through the Midwest called ‘Believe in America’ because ‘Mormon Thunder’ was taken.” –Bill Maher

“Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound on the side.” –Bill Maher

“Both Romney and Obama were in Ohio giving dueling speeches on the economy. Before Obama’s speech, Romney’s bus starts circling the Obama site honking their horns in the parking lot. They would have actually stayed and done it longer, but Mitt had to get back to his site to give his speech about how we need to put the grownups back in charge.” –Bill Maher

“There’s a rumor going around that suggests President Obama may legalize marijuana as an October surprise to win the election. And if he doesn’t win, at least he’ll have a way to mellow out later.” –Jay Leno

June 18, 2012

“President Obama just played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'” –Conan O’Brien

“They say President Obama played golf a hundred times in his first administration, a four-year period. So he played on Father’s Day. Donald Trump – always looking to make trouble, always looking to rain on somebody’s parade – Donald Trump demanded to see Obama’s scorecard.” –David Letterman

“President Obama spent about four hours on Father’s Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He’s played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Obama’s staff is a little concerned. They’re concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November.” –Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president. He’s down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia’s Vladimir Putin. He said ‘I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.’ There’s no word on how Obama responded.” –Craig Ferguson

June 19-20, 2012

“There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school.” –Jay Leno

“In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?” –Jay Leno

“With the presidential debates right around the corner, John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. That’s kind of a stretch; a rich white guy from Massachusetts playing a rich white guy from Massachusetts.” –Jay Leno

“How does that make John Kerry feel? Hey John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. You’d be perfect. Just be yourself.” –Jay Leno

“According to Rielle Hunter, John Edwards lied to her when they first met, saying he was seeing three other woman so she wouldn’t get attached to him. He lied about that. That’s got to be tough to keep straight for Edwards; lying to your wife that you’re not seeing another woman, while lying to the other woman that you are seeing three other women. Guys, don’t try this; John Edwards is a former trial lawyer and a senator. He is a trained professional liar! You will never, ever be able to keep up with him.” –Jay Leno

“Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said ‘Leave me alone, I’m having a drink.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama campaign unveils new ad to target Hispanics. It’s basically the president saying, “Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney’s picking up a head of steam. He’s roaring and ready to go. He says if he’s elected president he will also consider hunting vampires.” –David Letterman

“For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Bristol Palin’s new show premiered on the Lifetime network. It’s funny how many of Lifetime’s shows are targeted to people who have no lives at all.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called ‘Fast and Furious.’ I don’t know what’s scarier: that we can’t see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.” –Jimmy Fallon

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