Sunday Funnies

April 26, 2012

“A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, ‘Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“While discussing the U.S. policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that President Obama, quote, ‘has a big stick.’ In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don’t know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I’m pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he’s waiting, it’s because it takes him that long to gather a crowd.” –Jay Leno

“A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn’t responded to the ad because he’s too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction.” –Conan O’Brien

“Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he’s the best.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it’s known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich says that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn’t that already the announcement? If you say next week I’ll announce I’m dropping out of the race, what’s the point of having the announcement next week?” –David Letterman

“According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos.” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 27, 2012

“This week Mitt Romney’s Super PAC put out a new ad that tries to ridicule Obama because he was singing Al Green. Let that be a lesson to you aspiring politicians. If you must sing on the campaign trail, make it ‘America the Beautiful,’ off key, in mom jeans.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney swept more primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until nearly 9 p.m.” –Bill Maher

“Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a cubic American.” –Bill Maher

“Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself.” –Bill Maher

“Big medical news — according to the CDC, there’s been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service sexually transmitted diseases. Be careful.” –Jay Leno

“We’re learning more and more about that whole Secret Service sex scandal. Apparently the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. I mentioned this the other night: the guy who kept wanting to change positions, his nickname was “Mitt.” The main guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later… his nickname was “Obama.” Kind of interesting.” –Jay Leno

“This story just keeps getting bigger and bigger. CNN said Secret Service agents may have visited a strip club in El Salvador as well. Don’t you like that language, ‘they visited’? That’s what guys do when they go to strip clubs, they visit. ‘Hi, just visiting.’ No, you visit a hospital!” –Jay Leno

“A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well.” –Jay Leno

“Have you been following this sleazy John Edwards’ trial? Oh my God. I tell you, this John Edwards, I don’t think he’s learned anything from all of this. Did you see what happened today? He got one of the jurors pregnant.” –Jay Leno

“The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he’s working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney.” –David Letterman

“They’re calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg.” –David Letterman

“After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, ‘Dude, scale it back!'” –Jimmy Fallon

April 30, 2012

“I hosted the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I was making jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he didn’t get much of a reaction either. They’re probably laughing on the inside.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don’t get drunk and have sex?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We should make the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn’t worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan – ‘Forward.’ That’s a good message for Obama. He’s telling voters, ‘Whatever you do, don’t look back at all those campaign promises I made.'” –Jay Leno

“Here’s a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul.” –Jay Leno

“According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he’s going to get in prison will be free.” –Jay Leno

“During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, ‘So, your place then?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn’t been screwing around with hookers.” –David Letterman

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens”

10. “How’s puberty going?”
9. “Where do you summer?”
8. “Do you fellows play sportball?”
7. “Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap”
6. “You teens are just the right height”
5. “Check out my sick Windsor knot”
4. “Would you like to see my dancing horse?”
3. “Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity”
2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying “Who let the dogs out?”)
1. “Didn’t I fire your father?”

May 1, 2012

“Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Osama bin Laden day. One year ago they got a hold of Osama bin Laden. Don’t we usually celebrate on a Monday?” –David Letterman

“The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It’s like a Kardashian husband.” –David Letterman

“Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden’s death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service.” –David Letterman

“Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He’s 160 years old. Of course he’s unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress.” –Craig Ferguson

“The report from British lawmakers was officially issued today. Murdoch knew about it months ago — because he hacked into their phones.” –Craig Ferguson

“Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It’s not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich.” –Craig Ferguson

“Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn’t happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain.” –Craig Ferguson

“The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow.” –Jay Leno

“German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda’s plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot.” –Jay Leno

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