Sunday Funnies

THE BIBLICAL STORY OF HOW WOMAN CAME INTO EXISTENCE

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so
God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “I will give you a companion and it will be a woman.” He
said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them.

“She will not nag,” God continued, “and will always be the first to admit
she was wrong. When you’ve had a disagreement, she will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg!”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”

March 8, 2012

“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In a few months Obama’s going to unveil this one: ‘Would you like white wine and a foot massage?’” –Conan O’Brien

“A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” –Craig Ferguson

March 9-10, 2012

“Rick Santorum today won the Kansas caucuses beating Mitt Romney by 30 percent. Santorum was expected to do well in Kansas because it’s also a giant square.” –Seth Meyers

March 12, 2012

“They say gasoline could be $6 a gallon. But the good news is the White House says President Obama is aware of the problem, and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game.” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn’t blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno

“Romney’s birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it’s a national holiday.” –Jay Leno

‎March 13, 2012

“You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that’s the case, what is Mitt short for? It’s short for ‘Mittens.'” –David Letterman

March 14, 2012

“Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here’s a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that’s where his money lives.” –Jon Stewart

“Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It’s not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office?” –Jay Leno

“Not a good week for Rush Limbaugh either. His approval rating has dropped 9 percent in the last month to an all-time low of 41 percent. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish out bin Laden and shoot him all over again.” –Jay Leno

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