Sunday Funnies

Jan. 11, 2012

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman finished third … and he said he’s happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it’s got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you’re saying, ‘We’re happy to be landing ahead of schedule.'” –Jay Leno

“The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians.” –Craig Ferguson

“Ron Paul said he’s ‘nibbling at mitt Romney’s heels.’ At 76 years old, I hope somebody’s cutting Romney’s heels into bite-sized pieces for him.” –Craig Ferguson

“Ron Paul finished second. … Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers … and if his message continues to resonate … and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.” –David Letterman

“In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as ‘dangerous.’ Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox.” –Conan O’Brien

“Nation, unless you live in a cave, I’m sure you’ve heard that yesterday’s New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I’m guessing you voted for Ron Paul.” –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 12, 2012

“President Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office yesterday. And after they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt talked adoption with Obama at the White House. Obama said, ‘Could I interest you in a Biden?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new tell-all book about Mitt Romney is coming out next week called ‘The Real Romney.’ You can tell the book is based on Romney. After 300 pages, the last line is, “Actually I just changed my mind about all of that.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support in elections. Romney says, I’ll never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry’s presidential campaign is in trouble. So, they’re now selling his merchandise two for one. You get a foam finger, a key chain & I forget the third thing.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney told a crowd that he is half Mexican. Which means that half of him will not be voting for Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it’s the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.” –Jay Leno

“A report from the Department of Homeland Security says they regularly monitor social networking sites, like Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. So that’s who is looking at MySpace, I guess.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 13-16, 2012

“Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I’m not kidding. Sarah Palin’s formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don’t know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings.” –Bill Maher

“I’m sensing Mitt Romney isn’t that popular with Republicans. On the New Hampshire ballot he was listed as ‘Mitt Romney, I guess.'” –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is going to be like … Well, it’s going be like HAVING Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. It’s going to have no effect really.” –Jimmy Fallon

“During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, ‘I’m also lonely!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich says that on Thursday he will be releasing his tax returns. You can feel the excitement, right?” –David Letterman

“Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don’t know, but that question’s out there now.” –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race”

10. “Who’s Jon Huntsman?”
9. “Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?”
8. “Seriously, who’s Jon Huntsman?”
7. “You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that’s Stan Huntsman”
6. “Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious”
5. “So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry”
4. “It’s like Jon Huntsman said . . . Well, actually, I have no idea what he said”
3. “Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race”
2. “He should have Tebowed more”
1. “Now who’s gonna lose to Obama in the general election?”

Jan. 17, 2012

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” –Jay Leno

“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?” –Jay Leno

“Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it’s 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.” –Conan O’Brien

“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.'” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags.” –Stephen Colbert

Rick Perry from Monday’s debate: “South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration.”
Jon Stewart: “War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?”

Mitt Romney on MSNBC: “If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house.”
Jon Stewart: “Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?”

“Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: ‘If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?'” –Craig Ferguson

“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.” –Craig Ferguson

“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.” –Craig Ferguson

“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.” –Craig Ferguson

Jan. 18, 2012

“A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress’ job. The other 16% weren’t aware Congress was doing one.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.” –Jay Leno

“An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets.” –Jay Leno

“Wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that’s making its way through Congress right now. I’ll look it up in Wikipedia if it ever comes back.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words ‘Obama’ and ‘well done’ appeared in the same sentence.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.” –David Letterman

“Today, the TSA has admitted that it was wrong to let its screeners strip search two elderly women last month. However, the screeners won’t be punished because living with the memory of what they saw is punishment enough.” –Conan O’Brien

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky”

10. Answers all questions with, “So’s your mother”
9. Offered Santorum a 10,000-vote head start in South Carolina primary
8. He’s forwarding his mail to the White House — Wow, that’s cocky
7. Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy
6. Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC
5. Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry’s campaign
4. Now spelling “Mittt” with three T’s
3. Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and “making it rain”
2. Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico
1. Offered to help Newt with his concession speech