Sunday Funnies

November 22, 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

P.E.T.A. says that turkeys are now so fat, they can’t stand up. They’re prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I’m sorry. That’s what the turkeys say about us.

Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us.

Police say the suspect is a citizen who was originally from the Dominican Republic. Apparently, officials became suspicious when they found someone from the Dominican Republic living in New York and not playing for the Yankees.

Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle.

Late Show with David Letterman

When are these Republican debates going to stop? I mean, this would be the very reason to call for a dictatorship, just to put an end to these.

The suspected New York City bomber’s mother apologized. She said she was terribly embarrassed by her son and the . . . Oh, sorry, that’s my mom.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Supercommittee Excuses

10
“Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee”
9
“Got distracted by Congress’ new ‘Donkey Kong’ machine”
8
“Wasted time trying on each other’s hairpieces”
7
“When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new ‘Twilight’ movie, you see the new ‘Twilight’ movie”
6
“Quit early to get in line for the Black Friday sale at Annie Sez”
5
“It’s the curse of the chupacabra”
4
“We’re assembling a special committee to come up with excuses”
3
“It’s Robert Wagner’s fault”
2
“Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done”
1
“President Santorum will figure it out”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I feel a strong connection to the Muppets because I myself am merely a puppet of the mighty CBS corporation.

The word “Muppet” is a combination of “marionette” and “puppet,” just like the word “mobster” is a combination of “man” and “lobster.”

It means all of us have the capacity to end organized crime by simply dipping our local mafia boss in butter and devouring him.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street.

Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, “I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest “Behind the Music” special yet.

If you think that’s bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left.

The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn’t talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that Facebook is building its own smart phone. Not to be outdone, there’s talk that MySpace is refurbishing an old beeper.

Speaking of Facebook, a recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never met 7 percent of their friends. The article came up in my newsfeed from my friend, the Dalai Lama.

Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads.

Microsoft is apparently designing rooms for a hotel in France. You can tell the rooms are from Microsoft. Every time you open the window, they just freeze and need to be reinstalled.

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