Sunday Funnies

Oct. 27, 2011

“A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. Well, you thought our court system was backed up.” –Jay Leno

“The Occupy Wall Street protesters are going into their second month, but they’ve been orderly and well behaved. Well that doesn’t sound like any fun.” –David Letterman

“There’s a guy that wants to be Superman so much that he spent a million dollars on plastic surgery so to look like him. I’m telling you, Rick Perry is really getting desperate.” –David Letterman

“President Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. Yeah, Obama said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A company in Illinois is selling a collectible baby doll of President Obama. It’s really cute. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“And just so Republicans don’t complain, it comes with a birth certificate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The United States has been using Twitter to help fight the Taliban. The theory is the Taliban will surrender if they read enough tweets from Kanye West.” –Conan O’Brien

“‘Seinfeld’ star Jason Alexander is in the Middle East to promote peace. In a related story, ‘Friends’ star Matt LeBlanc is in Europe trying to prop up the troubled euro.” –Conan O’Brien

Oct. 28, 2011

“Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama had dinner with a U.S. postal worker who won a contest to meet him. The mailman was like, ‘Wow, someone who takes longer to deliver than I do!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was a long meal. Every time Obama tried to pass the salt, it got rejected by Republicans.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Two lawmakers in New York have proposed a bill that would make it a felony to sell fake maple syrup and label it as the real thing. Or as one confused Occupy Wall Street protester put it, ‘We did it! What? This isn’t about syrup?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The United States government says it’s okay for British Petroleum to resume offshore drilling. Yeah! What could possibly go wrong? Just when I’m getting used to eating chowder without tar balls.” –David Letterman

“I’m not saying you don’t have the right to peacefully assemble. I’m just saying that the police have the right to disassemble you into pieces.” –Stephen Colbert

“My great-grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants.” –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Herman Cain’s Campaign Is In Trouble”

10. Can’t afford cigarettes for new campaign ads
9. It’s been fun, but there’s no way we’re actually electing a guy named ‘Herman’
8. While campaigning, kissed a photo of himself and signed a baby
7. New campaign slogan ‘Mayday!’
6. Even Michele O’Bachmann thinks his ideas are nuts
5. He trails Gadhafi’s corpse in the polls
4. Refuses to acknowledge the road to the White House goes through me, Dave
3. He’s acting less fun-crazy and more crazy-crazy
2. Just accepted million-dollar offer to pose nude in Playboy
1. There’s a 0-0-0 chance he’ll be president

Oct. 31, 2011

“President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don’t you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.” –Jay Leno

“Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the ’90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan.” –Jay Leno

“One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, ‘Bank of America.'” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, ‘Nein! Nein! Nein!'” –Conan O’Brien

“More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to ‘I’m freezing my beard off.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country’s Tootsie Roll reserve.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn’t have that new anti-surveillance technology: Eyes.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A Fox reporter asked Herman Cain if he’d ever had to pay anyone money to settle a sexual harassment claim. Herman Cain: ‘Outside of the Restaurant Association, absolutely not.'” –Jon Stewart

“The planet’s seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced.” –Craig Ferguson

Nov. 1, 2011

“If the protesters get to occupy Wall Street, I get to put up condos in Yellowstone.” –Stephen Colbert

“President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It’s 70 over 14 trillion.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word ‘consensual.'” –David Letterman

“When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee.” –David Letterman

“President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He’s fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he’s not an American.” –David Letterman

“A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we’re falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids’ costumes.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, ‘You kids are way too loud. Now hurry up and finish building this playground.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“In Herman Cain’s defense, there is very little in the pizza world that is not sexually suggestive.” –Jon Stewart

Nov. 2, 2011

“President Obama has completed his annual physical, and he is in tip top shape. but it doesn’t look like his insurance company is going to pay for it.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor’s office while he was trying to get the vice president’s foot out of his mouth.” –Jay Leno

“Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.” –David Letterman

“People say that Rick Perry may have been drunk at an appearance. Well, take a look at those poll numbers. I’d be drunk too.” –David Letterman

“Congress was hard at work yesterday. They voted 396-9 to reaffirm ‘In God We Trust’ as our national motto. I still don’t know why we would trust God after what he did to Kim Kardashian and Kris.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Statue of Liberty just turned 125. When France first gave her to us, Mayor Bloomberg was only in his second term.” –Conan O’Brien

“Governor Christie wants to extend the seven train to New Jersey. When asked what’s wrong with the Lincoln Tunnel, Christie said, ‘You try squeezing through that thing.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn’t that what steroids are for?” –Conan O’Brien

“A Los Angeles woman claims she has Justin Bieber’s love child. The woman will have to take a paternity test, then everyone will know once and for all who the real father is: Arnold Schwarzenegger.” –Craig Ferguson

“Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.” — Stephen Colbert

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