Sunday Funnies

July 28, 2011

“House Democrats want President Obama to invoke the 14th Amendment, which would let him raise the debt ceiling on his own. Or as most people put it, ‘Wait, you could have done that the whole time?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Only five days until the United States defaults. Or, four days and 23 hours until Congress does anything.” –Jay Leno

“Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions.” –Jay Leno

“According to a poll, 77 percent of Americans blame Republican leaders for the coming default and 58 percent blame President Obama. There’s the problem: That makes 135 percent. How can we balance the budget if we can’t even add up the poll numbers?” –Jay Leno

“You understand any of this? I don’t understand…the Republicans have ‘cut, cap, and balance.’ That’s no good. Of course the Democrats have their plan, “duck and cover.” That doesn’t work either.” –Jay Leno

“House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That’s what he said — get their asses in line. This is typical Washington — if it’s not Obama kissing Wall Street’s ass, it’s Boehner kicking ass, or it’s Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They’re a bunch of asses.” –Jay Leno

“At a White House GOP meeting the other night, House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy tried to inspire everyone by showing a clip from the movie, ‘The Town’. Is that the best movie for Congress, “The Town”? How many think ‘Dumb and Dumber’ would be a better movie?” –Jay Leno

“Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That’s how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.” –Conan O’Brien

“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He celebrated quietly with half his money.” –David Letterman

July 29, 2011

“By midweek the Democrats had given to the Republicans more than they originally asked for when these negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn’t take it. The Democrats — getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that’s off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over.” –Bill Maher

“If the debt limit isn’t lifted by midnight next Tuesday, President Obama is going to switch to plan b: a nationwide ‘going out of business’ sale. Everything is 50% off! All government buildings! All parks! Everything must go!” Jay Leno

“Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there’s one thing that congressmen hate, it’s being told what to do by the people that put them there.” –Jay Leno

“As they say in Washington, ‘If it ain’t broke, it will be by Tuesday.'” –Jay Leno

“Earlier today the House passed Boehner’s version of the bill. He got tough with his own party. He said, ‘Get your ass in line.’ That’s what he said. Doesn’t that sound like something Kim Kardashian’s chiropractor would say?” –Jay Leno

“According to reports, Apple now has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Which sounds impressive until you realize that Radio Shack has more cash on hand… Actually, the big difference between Apple and the government is that their stuff is made in China, while we’re owned by China. Two different things.” –Jay Leno

Aug. 1, 2011

“We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can,’ to ‘Yes we cave.'” –Jay Leno

“Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull.” –David Letterman

“The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough.” –David Letterman

“We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a ‘sugar-coated Satan sandwich.’ Or as Americans put it, ‘Sugar-coated? Yum – I’ll take six, please!” –Jimmy Fallon

“McDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It’s nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they’re like, ‘Cool! I made this.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, ‘Does she have a daughter?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Aug. 2, 2011

“The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can’t be that bad.” –Conan O’Brien

“The debt deal calls for the formation of a ‘super Congress’ to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you’re wondering, a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine.” –Conan O’Brien

“The world’s 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He’s also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.” –Conan O’Brien

“Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, ‘Because of that comment I’m going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'” –Conan O’Brien

“It looks like President Obama will turn 50 years old on Thursday. Today Congress agreed to raise his age ceiling…so he will be 50.” –Jay Leno

“To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I’ll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign.” –Jay Leno

“For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? ‘Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'” –Jay Leno

“After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, “It’s time for jobs to move to the front burner?” Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they’re about to lose their jobs.” –Jay Leno

“July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it’s not the heat that gets you; it’s the stupidity.” –Jay Leno

“A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name ‘District of Columbia.'” –Jay Leno

“That’s what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted.” –Jay Leno

“They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we’re $16 trillion in debt. That’s not ‘economic disaster?'” –David Letterman

“The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, ‘You know what, I’ll just take the groping.'” –Jimmy Fallon

‎”Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it’s 1799.” –Jon Stewart

Aug. 3, 2011

“A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term.” –Conan O’Brien

“I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces.” –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

“Our prayers are answered! America’s own ‘Legion of Doofs.'” –Jon Stewart on the new congressional Super Committee

“President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, then Republicans cut everything else.” –Jimmy Fallon

“While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming.” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as ‘disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.’ They would have also accepted ‘gutless and cowardly.'” –David Letterman

“A lot of people want to know what Osama bin Laden’s last words were. In a new article, they tell you: ‘Come in.'” –David Letterman

‎”I don’t believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage.” –Stephen Colbert

Aug. 4, 2011

“A year ago the Chilean miners were rescued. The year before the feel-good story was the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson. So what’s the feel-good story of 2011? Anthony Weiner.” –David Letterman

“The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s President Obama’s birthday. I can’t believe it’s been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Michelle Obama urged her husband’s supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to President Obama. It’s hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it’s the other way around.” –Jay Leno

“There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting.” –Jay Leno

“Because it’s the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure’s 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That’s the bad one.” –Jay Leno

“Obama told his supporters that we’ve got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too.” –Jay Leno

“They say because of our national debt every child born in this country owes $50,000. China had a message for those kids: ‘We’re hiring! Come on down! Make sneakers.'” –Jay Leno

“It’s being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, ‘the peter Tweeter,’ is being considered as a contestant on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ The producers haven’t told him one way or the other whether he’s going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll shows that President Obama is losing support among voters in Florida, which explains why this morning he sent SEAL Team 6 out to get Casey Anthony.” –Conan O’Brien

“Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote.” –Conan O’Brien

“Several Fox News hosts criticized ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see ‘Dora the Explorer’s’ immigration papers.” –Conan O’Brien

“The whole 4th season of ‘Jersey Shore’ takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub.” –Conan O’Brien

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday”

10. Updated his resume
9. Treated himself to piece of first lady’s carob-flavored kelp loaf birthday cake
8. Asked for an iPad, let Republicans negotiate him down to a wad of gum
7. Pizza and video games at Washington kids’ restaurant ‘Chuck E. Schumer’s’
6. Asked for any cash gifts to be in Canadian dollars
5. Sent 82nd Airborne on In-N-Out Burger run
4. Invited fun costumed characters
3. ‘Shark Week’ and two pints of Chubby Hubby
2. Got a fabulous makeover from Michele O’Bachmann’s husband
1. Forged a Kenyan birth certificate to get him out of this miserable job

source