Sunday Funnies

July 14 2011

“Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Treasury Department is shifting from paper to electronic savings bonds next year. But don’t worry — the electronic bonds will be just as worthless as the paper ones.” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time low. How could it be lower than before, when it was ‘Death to America?'” –Jay Leno

“In the last month, President Obama’s re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more.” –Jay Leno

“Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they’ll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless, and worthless.” –Jay Leno

“According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they’re called ‘philosophy majors.'” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called ‘Unscented.'” –David Letterman

“It looks like we’ll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming. And what about his brother Wyo Ming.” –David Letterman

“New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache.” –David Letterman

‎”If Social Security checks don’t go out on August 3, it’s just old people. You know how they are. They’re just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips.” –Jon Stewart

July 15 2011

“There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California since ‘New Mexico’ is already taken.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is starting to get tough. He said he’s reached his limit and he will not give in on his debt ceiling position even if it costs him his presidency. Well, that should make the Republicans fold. ‘We’ve got to save Obama’s presidency.'” –Jay Leno

“According to a new Gallop poll, if the election were held tomorrow a no name Republican would beat President Obama. Today Tim Pawlenty said, ‘A no-name Republican? That’s me. I could win! I’m the new President?'” –Jay Leno

“In last night’s 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important because it shows the American people that they can really get along and accomplish something when it’s meaningless.” –Jay Leno

“Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western ‘The Last Stand.’ It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision.” –Jimmy Fallon

July 18, 2011

“The President met with the Dalai Lama over the weekend. The Dalai Lama told Obama about the difficulty of being under China’s thumb. To which Obama said, ‘Tell me about it.'” –Jay Leno

“It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling.” –Craig Ferguson

“The United States’ soccer team lost to Japan, which means we’re now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“This weekend, the final ‘Harry Potter’ movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, ‘Harry Potter’ made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn’t as safe as you thought.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as ‘job creator’. You can’t even use the word ‘rich’. You have to say, ‘This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'” –Jon Stewart

‎July 19, 2011

“Is it any surprise that the British law enforcement can’t stop the high-tech phone hackers? They can’t even stop a guy walking into Parliament with a pie.” –Craig Ferguson

“I think it’s cowardly to attack an 80–year–old man with a pie. If the attacker had any courage, he’d go after Murdoch like I do: in the middle of the night from 5,000 miles away.” –Craig Ferguson

“There’s talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought.” –Jay Leno

“China’s mad at President Obama for meeting with the Dalai Lama, but come on. Obama doesn’t owe them anything — except like $14 trillion.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy’s voicemail.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don’t think this is what the Republicans meant by ‘closing our borders.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t think Rupert Murdoch’s guilty of phone hacking. He paid $580 million for Myspace. Obviously he knows nothing about technology.” –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch’s Mind During the Pie Attack”

10 “Hey, free pie!”
9 “This would have made a great cover for ‘News of the World'”
8 “How did he get past the pie detector?”
7 “A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?”
6 “Duh, winning?”
5 “I was Punk’d — wait is Punk’d still on the air? Who writes this stuff?”
4 “Mmmm tasty”
3 “You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?”
2 “Don’t pie me, bro!”
1 “It’s the same guy who broke into Letterman’s theater”

July 20, 2011

“President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. If you’re thinking of getting him something, he could use $14 trillion.” –Jay Leno

“A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT’s computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, ‘Hire that kid on the spot.'” –Jay Leno

“Here is your federal government at work – the FAA has ordered a helicopter pilot who runs his own one-pilot charter company. It’s his company, he’s the only pilot. They’ve ordered him to give himself random surprise drug tests. He has to surprise himself with a drug test. They only way you can do that is if you are on drugs.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and I have a lot in common. No one laughs at our jokes and we were both born in foreign countries.” –Craig Ferguson

“Sarah Palin’s son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven’t picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, ‘Are there any countries we don’t owe money to?'” –JJimmy Fallon

“A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a ‘vicious battle’ before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine.'” –Jimmy Fallon

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing

10. Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot ‘Green Acres’
9. Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin
8. They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys
7. The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles
6. Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger
5. Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna
4. Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas
3. Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks
2. President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching ‘Ironside’
1. Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong

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