Sunday Funnies

May 26-27, 2011

“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid. She kept the child secret for 14 years. John Edwards is going, 'Why can't I meet a chick like that?'” –Jay Leno

“You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world's top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, 'What are you doing here?'” –Jay Leno

“Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks.” –Jay Leno

“Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore.” –Jay Leno

“The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'” –Conan O'Brien

“The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Ireland last week. While he was there, his Secret Service codename was, “the black guy that's in Ireland.'” –Conan O'Brien

“There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, 'But that never stopped me before.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“They have just released another posthumous Osama bin Laden video. If you listen carefully you can hear his last words: 'Will somebody please answer the damn door!'” –David Letterman

“CBS announced some new shows coming up, including 'Celebrity Housekeeper.' A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid.” –David Letterman

May 31, 2011

“Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. The first thing she did when she walked into the restaurant was shoot the rodent off his head.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' … “The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!” –Jon Stewart, on allegations that Rep. Anthony Weiner, a former housemate of Stewart's, sent out a crotch photo from his Twitter account

June 1-2, 2011

“I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view.” –Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner's claim that he “can't say with certitude” whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him

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“I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis.” –Stephen Colbert

“Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail.” –Stephen Colbert

“The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] “This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail.” That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: “Give me liberty and I don't want liberty.” And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show.” –Stephen Colbert

“Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired.” –Craig Ferguson

“Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. Then Sarah Palin left by helicopter and shot that thing off Trump's head.” –Craig Ferguson

“The USDA replaced the food pyramid with the 'food plate.' After years of the food pyramid, many Americans ended up shaped like pyramids.” –Craig Ferguson

“There's something absurd about helping our nutrition by putting a food chart on boxes, when food that comes out of boxes is the problem.” –Craig Ferguson

June 3, 2011

Jokes from NPR's “Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!”

“Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he’s a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, “Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved.” –NPR's “Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!”

“Despite the news this week that our cell phones are giving us cancer, users are NOT giving up. They're like, okay, my cell phone could give me cancer, but actually interacting with people in person is what leads to Chlamydia.” –NPR's “Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!”

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