Sunday Funnies

March 24, 2011

“Two passenger planes landed in Washington, D.C. with no assistance from a sleeping air traffic controller. Luckily, the pilots were too drunk to notice.” –Jay Leno

“For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress.” –Jay Leno

“Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There’s a very good case against impeachment. It’s called ‘Joe Biden.'” –Jay Leno

“Seventeen days after Newt Gingrich insisted President Obama should establish a no-fly zone over Libya, he’s complaining that Obama established a no-fly zone over Libya. It’s the same as Newt’s policy on adultery. He can’t make up his mind.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn’t get in, Obama said ‘Holy cow, is it 2012 already?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A study found Equador, Venezuela and Colombia have the most well-endowed men in the world. The study was conducted by TSA screeners at JFK’s International Terminal.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama returned home from Latin America but the door to the Oval Office was locked when he arrived. Now the U.S. is at war with a door.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama returned from South America and found the White House door locked. The NFL players are locked out. President Obama is locked out. When Black History Month is over, it’s really over.” –Jimmy Kimmel

March 25, 2011

“Moammar Gadhafi says of the no-fly zone, ‘In the short term we will beat them, and in the long term we will beat them.’ Which is Libyan for ‘Bring it. Winning. Bring it. Winning.'” –Jay Leno

March 28, 2011

“President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he’s attacking Libya. It’s like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don’t care.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn’t consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can’t imagine why he didn’t consult them.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.'” –Jay Leno

“Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a ‘kinetic military action,’ which sounds better than ‘potentially endless quagmire.'” –Jay Leno

“In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? “No, I Wasn’t Born There.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump called George W. Bush ‘the worst president in the history of the United States.’ Then he added, ‘Until, of course, I’m elected.'” –Conan O’Brien

“General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that’s because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a charitable donation.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Pentagon says we’ll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire.” –David Letterman

“About Libya, President Obama says we’re staying for a short time and then leaving. That’s what my relatives always say.” –David Letterman

March 29, 2011

“President Obama’s speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn’t interrupt ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ That’s ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can’t believe it was almost interrupted by Obama’s speech.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The latest episode of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ was preceded by Obama’s new show, ‘Dancing Around the Objectives in Libya.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody’s March Madness bracket isn’t doing so hot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.” –Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as ‘blue’ and his hair as ‘ridiculous.'” –Conan O’Brien

“We’re down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven’t attacked.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He’s not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative.” –Jay Leno

“Obama is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it’s OK.” –Jay Leno

March 30, 2011

“In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, ‘Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval rating just hit an all-time low of 42 percent. To put that in perspective, the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo has an approval rating of 43 percent.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bill Clinton is writing the introduction to a novel by a former college roommate. He says, “Thanks for always respecting the sock on the doorknob, bro.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich said he’s afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we’re screwed.” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Moammar Gadhafi Can Improve His Image”

10. Less murdering
9. Capture and return the Bronx Zoo cobra
8. Release hit novelty song ‘Moammar Said There’d Be Days Like This’
7. Promote himself from colonel to general
6. Bring back the Ukrainian nurse
5. Share hairstyling tips for getting that coveted Philip Michael Thomas look
4. Replace Gilbert Gottfried as Aflac duck
3. Just for fun, throw in some more Qs
2. Go on tour with Hosni Mubarak as the ‘Original Dictators of Comedy’
1. Die