Sunday Funnies

March 15-16, 2011

“President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, ‘Really?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, ‘Have you met Todd?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Al Qaeda has launched its own womens magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, “Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it’s Hillary.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Washington, D.C. is the most socially networked city in the country, which is why you could hear in the Senate today, “All in favor vote ‘like.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told middle school students that he was always in trouble in the 8th grade. In fact, he was once sent to the principal’s office because he said the dog ate his birth certificate.” –Jay Leno

“Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can’t get her states right.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart.” –Jay Leno

“The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.” –Jay Leno

“Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more.” –Jay Leno

“Al-Qaida has now launched a woman’s magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama held a meeting on bullying, and he revealed that he himself is bullied every day, by Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can’t get 60 Senators to agree on anything.” –Jay Leno

March 10-14, 2011

“Congressman Peter King is holding hearings on the radicalization of American Muslims to determine why they feel alienated from American culture. Hopefully these hearings into why they’re so dangerous will make them feel more welcome.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”Newt knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions — specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren’t his wife.” –Stephen Colbert

“In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, ‘Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Charlie Sheen says he’s going to go to Haiti: ‘I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Due to the recession, there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers in the U.S. No one ever talks about the good things that come from a recession.” –Jay Leno

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman