Sunday Funnies

Nov. 4, 2011

“I have a lot of Herman Cain jokes but I cannot do them; I am bound by a confidentiality agreement.” –Bill Maher

“Some Godfather’s Pizza customers said they found it odd that he would tell them to hold the sausage.” –Bill Maher on the sexual harassment accusations against Herman Cain

“President Obama joined other world leaders in trying to convince Greece to cut back in spending and reduce their debt. This is part of their ‘do as we say not as we do’ summit, apparently.” –Jay Leno

“Political experts say that if Greece goes under, the world banks will go under, and then the U.S. economy will go under, and this will cost president Obama the election. But Obama still has three chances to win: Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, and Herman Cain.” –Jay Leno

“One of the Herman Cain women was paid $35,000 and another was paid $45,000, so he’s saying it just proves he can create high-paying jobs for women. I’d like to see the women and find out what the $10,000 difference was.” –Jay Leno

Nov. 7, 2011

“Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they’ve had them since the 60’s. I don’t think he’s that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box.” –Jay Leno

‘The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee.” –Jay Leno

“Big news today on health care reform. Dr. Conrad Murray is going to jail. They said the sedative he gave Michael Jackson was 5 times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech. Dr. Murray’s sentencing will be delayed long enough to let him finish his “Playboy” shoot.” –Jay Leno

“Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech.” –Jay Leno

“You’re here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser.” –David Letterman

“Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That’s got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free.” –Craig Ferguson

“The latest castoff from ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I’m sorry. That’s a joke from next year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late ’90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We’ll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we’ll give you your money back.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“As you know, a lot of Republican voters view Mitt Romney as the Great White Nope and are desperately seeking a viable alternative, even going so far as to pretend it might be Michele Bachmann. Herman Cain emerged as the most likely alternative to the Schnook of Mormon.” –Jon Stewart

Nov. 8, 2011

“There’s a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, ‘We’re still getting used to having a Muslim president.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that’s kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he’s not a liar, he’s obviously not cut out for politics.” –Jay Leno

“The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can’t even find aliens sneaking across the border.” –Jay Leno

“If the earth was visited by aliens, this could be a huge problem for the Republican party. I mean, Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room.” –Jay Leno

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David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn’t Want To Hear On Election Day”

10. ‘What? The election is today?’
9. ‘You need to sober up for your concession speech’
8. ‘You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!’
7. ‘There he is. Get him!’
6. ‘Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you’
5. ‘You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states’
4. ‘If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing’
3. ‘The only endorsements we’ve got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray’
2. ‘Asteroid! Run for your lives!’
1. ‘Gloria Allred, Line 1’

Nov. 9, 2011

“As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for.” –Jay Leno

“At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn’t remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…” –Jay Leno

“Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, ‘It ain’t gonna happen!’ That’s what he said. Ironically, that’s what women say to him when he’d put his hand up their skirt.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he’s not even voting for himself.” –Jay Leno

“The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They’re calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo.” –Jay Leno

“After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he’s going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park.” –David Letterman

“There’s another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he’s getting attacked for it all of a sudden.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn’t show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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David Letterman’s “Top Ten Herman Cain Pick-Up Lines”

10. “You’re like a Godfather’s pizza: a little doughy, but still hot”
9. “My name’s Herman and I’ll get you squirmin'”
8. “May I stuff your crust?”
7. “You put the ‘ass’ in National Restaurant Association”
6. “Can I buy you a glass of whatever Rick Perry is drinking?”
5. “Would you describe yourself as the litigious type?”
4. (Video: Newt Gingrich having sex with a vending machine)
3. “Baby, you’re worth the forty grand in hush money”
2. “You don’t know Gloria Allred, do you?”
1. “My tax plan is 9-9-9, but you’re a 10-10-10”

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