by Jeff Childers
Well, maybe we shouldn’t try to rate ‘crazy’ on a scale. I’ve often remarked how 2024 is, well, a unique year, a year of unexpected and unpredictable disclosures. But, even though I thought I was prepared for anything, I didn’t see this coming. I am not making this story up.
During yesterday’s White House Press Briefing, Fox News’ Peter Doocey got to ask a question he’d probably been waiting to ask for his entire career:
“Why is President Biden saying that his uncle was eaten by cannibals?”
The overused descriptor “clown world” is wretchedly insufficient to adequately depict the shocking reality of questions like Peter’s cannibal inquiry being relevant in any way to the most powerful empire in Earth history.
But it’s so much worse than that. Allow me to explain.
It all started on Wednesday. Joe Biden was speaking — or more accurately, mumbling — at a campaign event in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He had just come from a photo-op stop at the Scranton Veterans Memorial Park, where his uncle Ambrose J. Finnegan Jr.’s name is reported to be listed on a memorial wall.
So Joe disclosed — for the first time anywhere, ever — the tasteless story of his Uncle Finnegan’s tragic last meal. I’ll let Joe tell his own story in this clip, while he was also giving his best impression of a recently-exhumed talking corpse:
CLIP: Joe Biden tells the sad culinary story of Uncle Bosey (0:32).
Since Joe’s mumbling can be hard to stomach, here’s the story’s short recipe:
“And my uncle, they called him Ambrose, then Brosey. They called him Bosey. My Uncle Bosey. He’s a hell of an athlete, they tell me, when he was a kid.
And he became an Army Air Corps, before the Air Force came along. He flew those single-engine planes as reconnaissance over war zones. And he got shot down in New Guinea. And, uh, they never found the body, because there used to be, there are a lot of cannibals — for real — in that part of New Guinea.”
For real. Let us pause to momentarily recall Air Corps pilot Uncle Bosey’s selfless sacrifice. He literally gave it all for his country, life and limb. Or, limbs. Apparently.
The headlines generated by this tasteless new Biden family anecdote are, well, indescribable. Not to mention unbelievable. Only in 2024. Some enterprising reporters thought to ring the New Guineans, to find out what they thought about being accused of chowing down on the Leader of the Free World’s maternal relative. The gastronomic headline from yesterday’s UK Daily Mail pushed back:
Maybe they were just hungry? Here in the states, the compliant U.S. corporate media seasoned Biden’s esculent family history with a soupçon of delicate, or delectable, skepticism:
According to the Intelligencer’s article, the U.S. Army’s official records on Uncle Bosey’s final flight don’t precisely match up with President Robert L. Peters’ newfound culinary recollections:
Returning now to Peter Doocey’s question, posed to ultra-diverse Press Secretary Karine Von Damme, who answered by snapping hungrily at Doocey while refusing to address the meat of the reporter’s savory inquiry:
Well, what should we expect her to say? A Biden divided against itself cannot stand. Even if served with spicy collard greens.
Much could be said — and is being said — about Uncle Bosey’s unfortunate terminal destination in a crock pot. Biden defenders gamely suggested the Resident was merely regurgitating long-standing family lore, passed at the kitchen table, which was heretofore concealed under the gravy of history.
Why are we only hearing about this historically delicious story now?
I hope that one day, after he is no longer using it, there are plans to study Biden’s brain. Which arguably could begin anytime.
