Sunday Funnies

Friday Jun 28 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

An amusement park in Mexico has opened a fake border-crossing attraction. You get to experience what it’s like to come across the border. Unfortunately, the park is losing money now because instead of buying tickets, people just keep sneaking in.

A new report from sociologists has discovered the number one cause of prison overcrowding — apparently it’s the NFL.

Cleveland Browns rookie Ausar Walcott was arrested for attempted murder. Boston Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested for murder, with possible links to another double murder. In fact, now the NFL is begging the press to start talking about concussions again.

Yesterday, Aaron Hernandez was denied bail even though his lawyer said Hernandez was not a risk to flee. Not a risk to flee? He’s a football player. He makes his living running away from people who are chasing him. That is the definition of fleeing.

The statistics are not good: Twenty-seven NFL players have been arrested just since the last Super Bowl. In fact, this could be the first year we see a prison football team in the playoffs. You could have OJ coaching.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A man in Wisconsin pleaded guilty to having sex with a couch. How do you get arrested for that? Does someone come to your house? “What’s going on here? Couch patrol. Furniture vice squad.”

In his defense, the man in Wisconsin said he thought it was a loveseat.

A documentary is like a reality show, but classy. It’s about something. A television show about something? It’s an old-fashioned idea.

Monday Jul 01 2013

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It was so hot in L.A. today that you could cook a tofu-based cruelty-free egg substitute on the sidewalk.

Six half-marathon runners were hospitalized yesterday for running in 100 degree heat. They were rushed to a mental hospital.

On Saturday Phoenix had its fourth hottest day in 110 years. The high was 119 degrees. The low was 91. 119 to 91. That’s not a temperature range. It’s a basketball score.

A funeral home in Virginia added a drive-thru. You drive up to the window, view the body, and then drive to the next window to pick up your fries.

Now you can pay loved ones the same kind of respect you’d pay an Egg McMuffin.

It’s a great way to say I care but not enough to get out of my car. The owner said he’s trying to keep up with the times. Which makes sense because drive-thru food is probably what killed a lot of these people.

Tuesday Jul 02 2013

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It is estimated that 150 million hot dogs will be consumed on the Fourth of July, and another 50 million eaten by a depressed Paula Deen.

While 150 million sounds like a lot, that number actually dropped 3 percent from last year. According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, the slump in sales is due to the increase in raw material costs. Maybe hot dog sales are declining because the people who eat them regularly die.

I’m excited to know there is a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. That is a council I’d like to be a part of.

Researchers at the Center for Tobacco Control at Scotland University are working on an invention: Talking packs of cigarettes that warn smokers about the side effects of tobacco. I don’t know; that actually might make me START smoking.

Microsoft is testing a smartphone that can sense your mood, using a scope that tests your mood and shares them on media sites. I don’t need that. I have a fiancee who can test my mood.

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