Thought I would get ahead of the curve and bow down to the inevitable anointing of Prince Romney. But before I do, and Team Romney’s Matt Rhoades starts pumping Matt Drudge with congratulatory headlines pre-approved and vetted by him and Eric Fehrnstrom, I wanted to use what little pull I and the rest of my fellow conservative cohorts and renegades have to solicit some promises, in writing, before we all have to kiss King Willard’s ring. (I am throwing up a little in my mouth as I forcefully tap these words into my trusty Hewlett-Packard with much groaning.)
Knowing that Mitt Romney has the well-oiled knack of saying just about anything to get what he wants at the time, as was recently confirmed by Mr. Fehrnstrom‘s Etch-A-Sketch comments, Conservatives would be fools to not lock Romney down on at least a few concessions before we throw our hands up in despair and give in to the forces of political expediency the Republican Establishment and lackeys are so well versed in.
Our, well mine in reality, demands are as follows.
Mitt Romney will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, just repeal ObamaCare, he WILL NOT replace it with RomneyCare 2.0/Deluxe Version. Knowing Team Romney’s penchant for using poll tested phrases that let Romney say the truth with so many shades of gray that it can be morphed into meaning the exact opposite of its intention a second later we need to lock the man down now, before it doesn’t matter in the general election. No health care mandates.
Mitt Romney will not, I repeat, WILL NOT run so far to the left that President Obama and the rest of us suffer whip-lash trying to follow his progress. No more “I was for Life, before I was for choice, before I was for Life again, before I was for choice a while later, before I was for Life for this primary” continuous loop of positions in and endless circles of political Ying-Yang. This means chucking the Global Warming/Climate Change/Green Living light bulb banning well-worn CD out the campaign bus window. ( No, Ann Coulter following in a Chevy Volt cannot pull over and retrieve it for later) *
Mitt Romney will, I repeat, WILL, go after President Obama with the same ruthless back stabbing smear campaign he managed to work up in order to defeat fellow Republicans in the primary. If anything can be learned from this Republican Primary is that the Establishment is well versed in down and dirty nasty politicking and when it wants to get it hands dirty it can belly-flop into the mud as well as any drunk fat frat boy on Spring Break . They have shown us they can do it well against the scout team. We now demand you bring it to the field for the Big Game for a change.
Team Romney, the current Republican Establishment, and all the pundits who derided and attacked anyone not onboard with Team Romney will agree to go into political exile if Romney fails to win the Office of President of the United States. That’s right! All three of these parties involved have created this mess. This incestuous cabal of Republican political insiders is now going to agree to suffer or succeed by the very tactics they have been practicing for years without any consequence. No more,” Oh well, we just didn’t get the message out. Live and learn” and back to the work on the next losing campaign. No more. Playing hardball means failure is no longer forgiven. No mercy. It will be clear to almost everyone at this point that you cannot get the job done and should not be allowed to try again. If you win, you can write long winded scathing columns and speeches telling us how wrong we were to doubt you. If you lose you agree to walk away quietly, banished to running campaigns for dog catchers or PTA board members and writing columns of church suppers and hemorrhoid ointment reviews. We will not have to come and smoke you out of Republican National Head Quarters and you will leave all the “T” and “P” keys on the equipment. You will just go.
Upon agreeing to the conditions mentioned above the Conservative base agrees to pull Santorum and Gingrich to the side and ask them to put down the Etch-A Sketch’s, go on vacation, and send off a flowery little post card endorsing Mitt Romney. Then it will be up to Mitt Romney try to win the rest of the base over to his side, again.
I know some are holding out for a brokered convention but we must be realistic and confront the truth. The Republican Convention is controlled by the very people who are backing Romney now. Why should we expect that it their loyalties would change? Why would we expect them aide anyone but Romney in a brokered convention. They make the rules and have no problem picking and choosing the ones they will enforce, not enforce, or create all together out of thin air. Does anyone actually believe that this situation has not been foreseen and planned for by Team Romney? Silly you if you did.
I say let the chips fall where they may and give Mitt Romney what he so badly wants, his coronation.
Good luck to the rest of us. We are going to need it.
Lots of it.
*I have figured Ann Coulter has sold out so many conservative principles to become a Team Romney pom-pom waver that her driving a Chevy Volt seems completely plausible.
He is just a fat guy in Maine.