New Rules of Engagement with the Local Friendlies

If we are to win the hearts and minds of the people of Afghanistan, cultural sensitivity training is vital for our Marines:

So here’s the news: audible farting has been banned for some Marines downrange because it offends the Afghans.

“Audible“? So does this mean if a young Marine attaches a suppressor (silencer) to the end of his rectal cavity, he’d be good to go?

The mechanism of the action occurs as follows:

The noises commonly associated with flatulence are caused not by a flapping of the buttocks, as commonly thought, but by the vibration of the anal opening. The sound varies depending on the tightness of the sphincter muscle and velocity of the gas being propelled, as well as other factors such as moisture and body fat.

I’m sure, given the proper amount of Pentagon-funded research, scientists and engineers can come up with an anal flatulence suppressor that will prevent any warning sound of hazardous smell coming out of our fighting men and women. This is why we simply cannot afford cuts in defense spending, at this time.

Personally, it’s the smell and not the sound that puts me into contortions, but I digress…

I know there are many things in the Afghan culture that don’t seem normal to Americans and it’s hard to spend seven months working in someone else’s back yard. Still, the Marines I saw downrange are doing a pretty good job at trying to do the right thing around the Afghans.

Our Marines are professionals….the best and brightest among us. They understand the meaning of “self-discipline” and “self-control”…

They’re not supposed to cuss because it could be misunderstood (that one goes out the window a lot). And they stay away from talking about politics, religion or girls because those topics could escalate into major disagreements (they can’t communicate anyway because of the language barrier).

But farting? That’s practically a sport. Ok, it’s not soccer, but a good contest could open the door for cross-cultural exchanges, jokes and other gallows humor.

Agreed! How could Afghanistan soldiers fighting alongside our Marines against the Taliban not feel common bonds of comraderie and friendship deepen through mutual humor:

So, for all Marines getting ready to go downwind, I mean downrange, be forewarned — you may have to hold it in… at least until you get back to your hooch where you can loudly crop dust your friends.

The war in Afghanistan is as good as won, folks! What other military in the history of civilization has been more civilized at waging it than we, the United States of America?

Excuse me while I exit this post for one moment…

Hat tip: Laura Ingraham