Sunday Funnies

Tuesday Sep 03 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution.

President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.

About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn’t that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up.

Congratulations to 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad. On her fifth try she completed her 110-mile swim from Cuba to Florida. See, 64 is not too old to swim 110 miles. It’s too old to host a late-night talk show, but not to swim 110 miles.
Conan

Syria’s President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.

They’re now making the first smartphone that’s not made overseas. It’s made in Texas. It’s also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.

The co-founder of Google and his wife have split up. When asked why, he said, “Search me?”

This weekend, leaders from the NAACP met with leaders from the KKK. After seven hours of talks both sides agreed that they don’t really care for Bryant Gumbel.

Late Show with David Letterman

Tonight I will be doing the show without a shark cage.

Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida without using a shark cage. She swam all the way from Cuba to Miami — accompanied by five Cuban pitchers.

Charlie Sheen turned 48 years old today. Gosh, I wonder if he had a party.

There is trouble at Charlie Sheen’s birthday party. John Kerry says there is evidence of illegal chemical use. They have to go in there.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, “What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?”

Diana Nyad is a 64-year-old woman, the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. I think it would be harder with a cage. Hold up a cage and try swimming at the same time.

I think Diana Nyad is really inspiring, but I’m concerned about the practice of putting old people in cages.

It’s amazing to think that it was a 64-year-old woman swimming from Cuba to Florida. It took endurance, perseverance, and some pretty lazy sharks.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Vin Diesel is with us tonight. Vin is not his real name. His real name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this morning — and with any luck, for good.

Rodman says he is not going to North Korea for diplomatic reasons. He just likes being taller than an entire country.

Actually, Rodman is going to hang out with his friend, Kim Jong Un. If somebody told you Dennis Rodman, a basketball player, was hooking up with Kim you would assume they meant a Kardashian, right?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

“Star Wars” creator George Lucas recently invested $10 million in Starbucks. Yeah, TEN million. Of course, most fans think he should have stopped at three.

An 80-year-old weightlifter has been banned from the sport for two years after he was caught using steroids at a competition. Officials became suspicious that he was using steroids when he was an 80-year-old man in a weightlifting competition.

A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don’t have even a basic knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I’m 38 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon.

On Sunday, more than 1,500 people set a world record by holding the largest gathering of redheads in history — marking the first event that nearly got canceled due to sun.

Wednesday Sep 04 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that’s not so bad, OK?

President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.

All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn’t really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said: “Yes and no.”

President Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he’s right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal — that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.
Conan

Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse, it was strip poker.

Tonight begins Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year, kicking off the year 5774. It’s calculated by counting the number of years since Larry King’s bar mitzvah.

The new football video game “Madden NFL 25” has a feature that lets you control the career of a player over several seasons. So you can move Tim Tebow to fullback, trade Tony Romo from the Cowboys, or plead guilty for Aaron Hernandez with just the touch of a button.

This weekend Burger King announced it will offer a new french fry burger. So finally a solution to the problem of having to reach for fries between bites of your burger.

Late Show with David Letterman

Senator John McCain, during a Senate session on whether we’re going to teach Syria a lesson, was caught playing online poker. I was stunned. John McCain knows how to use a computer? Really?

It’s a beautiful day here in New York City. It was so nice that Diana Nyad swam back to Cuba.

Happy Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year. It’s 5774. It’s hard to believe we’ve been doing this show since 5754.

Are you excited about the new iPhone? Every two months we get a new iPhone. This one is thinner, lighter weight, and more slender. So it’s much easier to lose in a cab.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s L.A.’s birthday today. It was founded in 1781 by the Spanish. You may want to sit down for this: People in L.A. used to speak Spanish.

In 1781, Spanish explorers put down their flag and declared, “On this ground we will one day make horrible movies.”

The film industry actually started out on the East Coast. About 100 years ago, studios moved here. There was a lot of cocaine use back then. That’s why everyone in silent films moves so fast.

L.A. has a very diverse population, very multicultural. It’s the only place where you can find Mexican restaurants with Indian waiters.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Senator John McCain got caught in an embarrassing moment yesterday. A photographer caught him playing poker on his phone during the first public hearing on the potential action in Syria. Sounds like something Anthony Weiner would have been caught doing.

While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and start a war, I say the man is 114 years old, John McCain, so we should be impressed that he is even wearing pants.

They announced the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars” this morning. As is the custom, President Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.

This will be the 17th season of “Dancing With the Stars,” but still with no stars.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone during a hearing on Syria yesterday. Actually, it turns out it’s not so bad when you hear that another group of senators was playing poker with actual cards.

McCain was playing poker during a hearing. The worst part is that he didn’t even know he was playing poker. He was just trying to text his wife. “How’d I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what’s for dinner?”

The new season of “Sesame Street” will focus more on problem solving. When he heard that, Obama said, “What time’s that show on?”

A new study found that using Facebook has actually changed how our brains work. Yeah, it’s true. Before Facebook, when you said you liked something, you actually did.

Thursday Sep 05 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

NFL football came back tonight! Do a lot of you play fantasy football? Here’s an update: Tim Tebow is still fantasizing he’s an NFL quarterback.

Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama’s plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody.

If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers.

Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don’t know what they said, nobody does — except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden.
Conan

Today is the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah and the first day of the NFL season. In other words, a lot of NFL players had to start the season without their lawyers today.

Yesterday a news anchor accidentally hung up on Oprah while he was interviewing her. He is survived by his wife and children.

A 5-year-old boy in China has become the youngest person ever to fly an airplane. In about an hour from now, people are hoping he will become the youngest person to LAND an airplane.

Tim Robbins, the star of “The Shawshank Redemption,” has begun teaching acting to inmates at a California prison. In a related story, 800 prisoners have just tunneled out of that California prison.

Late Show with David Letterman

Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket.

Don’t worry. All of tonight’s jokes have been written by my one gentile writer.

You can now buy a coffin that has a $30,000 stereo system. That’s right. You can be buried in a coffin with a stereo system that costs $30,000. Or you can just bury the $30,000. It’s the same thing.

Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Scientists in England say telling a lie gives compulsive liars a “high” similar to that of taking drugs. Wow! And let me say, you guys are a great audience. I’m just very happy to be here. I love CBS.

All the big-time world leaders are at the G-20 summit. Vladimir Putin is there representing Russia. Barack Obama is there representing Kenya.

All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don’t agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm.

The G-20 summit is being held in St. Petersburg, which used to be the Russian capital. But Lenin and the Bolsheviks felt it was too vulnerable, so they moved the capital to Moscow. Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The 2013 NFL season is about to begin. The Denver Broncos will host the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. They play the game tonight, and tomorrow night is the big two-hour result show.

Today also happens to be the first day of New York Fashion Week. This is an exciting time of the year in New York. The air gets crisper, the leaves start to change, and the skinny Lithuanian girls put on dresses worth more than their entire villages.

A lot of stars are here for New York Fashion Week. Leonardo DiCaprio is there checking out his next girlfriend.

A heat alert has been issued for Southern California. Is that necessary? Isn’t the heat its own alert? But it is a concern here in L.A. because Botox boils when it gets to 100 degrees.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the NFL’s season opener, with the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens playing the Denver Broncos. Yeah, three hours of Peyton Manning — and that was just during the commercials.

I ordered a pizza while we were watching the game — which got weird when Tim Tebow delivered it.

Apple is expected to unveil the new iPhone at a press conference next Tuesday. Experts say it’s similar to the current iPhone, but different enough to make you hate your current iPhone.

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