Sunday Funnies

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico…. But as we know….the great ship did not make it to New York….The ship hit an iceberg and sank …. and the cargo was forever lost….

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery …. were disconsolate at the loss….

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day…. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th…. and is known….of course….as Sinko de Mayo….

Friday Apr 26 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.

Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do! It’s all yours. Thank you.

The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that’s Ok.

Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy, most people don’t even remember what the old one looked like, all right?

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s not a federal holiday but today you’re supposed to take your son or daughter to work. For a lot of people it’s take your son or daughter to where you used to work.

In China, kids take their parents to work.

We have a new $100 bill. How many folks have seen a $100 bill lately? I haven’t seen one since the ’70s.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It turns out that former Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o did not get picked in the first round of the draft. But they told him he was, so it’s all good.

After being named the unhappiest and the fattest state in the country, West Virginia has now been named the most stressed-out state. Researchers aren’t sure why, but they think it might have something to do with being called sad and fat.

A woman in Florida is being praised for turning in over $36,000 in cash to the police after finding it on a golf course. Authorities are saying it’s a selfless move, while the woman is like, “Good. Because I found $80,000.”

Monday Apr 29 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids.

Collins said it was not a tough decision to tell people that he’s gay. He said it’s easier than telling people he plays for the Washington Wizards. That’s the hard part.

I had a birthday over the weekend. I turned 63. That is an awkward age. It’s too old for NBC, but it’s still too young to play for the Lakers.

According to a new study, fatty foods can boost your memory. Eating junk food can make your memory better. There was a similar study done five years ago. It was April 17, 2008, at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday. I remember it was drizzling. I had a dark suit with a yellow tie. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Conan

Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, “I don’t know what’s been tougher on my family, announcing I’m gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards.”

The founder of the 99 Cent Stores died. The family asked in lieu of flowers, donations be made to everyone who shops at the 99 Cent Store.

Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left.

In a new interview, Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him. Tyson said she also had a dark side.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Tim Tebow era lasted about 16 games. The Jets fired him. He was so angry he picked up his helmet and he threw it. It went about 10 yards.

The 99 Cent Store founder passed away. He would still be alive if he hadn’t gone to a 99 cent doctor.

Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s the most beautiful woman alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, “Wow. Thank god, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.”

Gwyneth, by the way, still has to be confirmed by Congress.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards. He’s not the first openly gay wizard. That trail was blazed by Dumbledore.

So far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive. Why shouldn’t it be? Jason Collins has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not like he plays for the Lakers.

The positive reaction to Jason’s announcement is a great sign. It shows us that NBA fans are ready to embrace diversity. And they really want to concentrate on what unites them — hating the Miami Heat.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Jason Collins became the first active athlete from a major American sport to come out of the closet. He wrote an article in Sports Illustrated. He said, “I’m a 34-year-old NBA center, I’m black, and I’m gay. For those who don’t follow sports, this is like a contestant on “Project Runway” coming out as straight.

Here’s a disturbing bit of progress. Microsoft is allowing video gamers to order pizza directly from their Xbox. Previously they had to yell for their mom to make them a sandwich.

Thanks to the new pizza app, you can place an order using your controller. Please don’t tell Michelle Obama about this.

Xbox will not stop until humans and couches become one.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay — while the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore.

Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, “Hello!”

Tim Tebow was officially released from the New York Jets. So I guess all that praying finally paid off.

Gary Busey is on tonight’s show. This will be one of the few interviews where I finish with more questions than I started with.

Tuesday Apr 30 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence.

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: ChristianMingle.com. So good for him.

There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty.

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He’s 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he’s looked for the last 30 years.

Conan

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video.

NBA player Jason Collins’ former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons.

Jason Collins’ former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn’t cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA.

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te’o’s fiancee said, “Well, at least you exist.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Earlier today the annual Tony Award nominations were announced and I just want to say that once again “The Late Show” received a nomination. It’s not one of the big categories but still it’s a nomination — biggest waste of a Broadway theatre.

You know who was actually nominated? Tom Hanks, for best actor. Finally something good happening to Tom Hanks. It’s about time things started to go his way.

Say what you will about Broadway. I was thinking about this earlier. For me it’s still solid — the best entertainment in the city at $500 a seat.

The Tim Tebow era is over here in New York City. He was fired by the New York Jets. A lot of fans are blaming Matt Lauer.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

In the Netherlands today there is much celebration as they swear in a new king. William is the first Dutch king in more than 120 years. Basically he’s king of a bunch of pot and windmills.

What do you actually do as king of the Netherlands? They don’t seem to have any laws to enforce.

“King of the Netherlands” sounds like something you would call a friend who got too stoned.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.”

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know.

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news.

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.”

Wednesday May 01 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that she is looking for a man on Match.com. You would think it’d be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It’s tough for her. A lot of guys don’t want to get involved with an ex-con.

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs said they will move if improvements are not made to Wrigley Field. And today Wrigley Field said it will move if improvements are not made to the Chicago Cubs.

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards.

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think?

Conan

More news keeps coming out about Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he’s gay. It turns out he’s a free agent looking for someone to sign him. He’s got some interest from Chicago. Not the Bulls, the Broadway musical.

Domino’s Pizza customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made online. A spokesperson for Domino’s said this way their customers can see exactly what went wrong.

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don’t get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs for the amount of runs they get, they don’t need a scoreboard.

A new study reveals that up to 41 percent of college graduates are working in jobs that don’t require a degree. By the way, I’m one of them.

Late Show with David Letterman

Martha Stewart has signed up with Match.com, the dating thing. And she’s been taking dating tips from the CEO of Match.com. And I thought, “Wait a minute. That’s insider dating.”

In New York City every year, we have the Tony Awards. We carry them right here on CBS. To make them more exciting, CBS has renamed them the “Jimmies.”

There’s another new category this year in the Tony Awards — best performance by a guy dragged against his will to a Broadway show.

It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Martha Stewart is on the prowl. Martha Stewart is now on Match.com. She’s 71, and says she’s looking for a man between 55 and 70 and is not looking to have kids. What 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids?

Martha says she’s a fan of the symphony, opera, and rap. I like that. She spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she’s Tupac listening to rap.

What kind of rap does Martha Stewart like? Gift wrap.

We ran all her information and we determined the best match for Martha. We looked to find someone who’s single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic, and knows what is it’s like to go through a scandal. I think we were able to find the right man. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, “No rush.”

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants.

That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, “Give me your lunch money,” students are like, “Here, take it.”

The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.

Thursday May 02 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama is in Mexico. He’ll be on hand to celebrate Mexico’s economic successes over the last few years. See, that’s how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country.

While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they’ve got it down. That’s like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage.

Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president — and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president.

A New York City real estate company will give a 15 percent raise to any employee who gets the company logo tattooed on his body. Actually, I got the NBC logo tattooed on my body, but it’s just a temporary tattoo. It will be gone next spring.

Conan

Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.

That’s right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they’re just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS.

Yahoo has put out a list of five dying careers, which includes reporter and insurance underwriter. The only one they forgot is Yahoo employee.

The owner of an ice cream truck named Snow Cone Joe was arrested for allegedly stalking his rival truck, called Mr. Ding-a-Ling. It’s being called the saddest turf war ever.

Late Show with David Letterman

I was walking to work today and I ran into Pat Sajak, the host of “Wheel of Fortune.” We had one of those funny little coincidences that you don’t expect. At exactly the same time, Pat said to me and I said to Pat, “Is your show still on?”

Experts at the Department of defense and the Pentagon said that they now know that Osama bin Laden was in that compound for a number of years. He would leave the compound about twice a year. Once he had to go out for jury duty.

Here’s how beautiful it is in New York City today. Earlier, Martha Stewart was down at the docks looking for sailors.

On Monday, Martha Stewart announced that she is dating and desperate looking for a man. So she signed up on Match.com. In her biography, Martha says she likes surprises, but not from the Securities and Exchange Commission.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A new study finally explains what’s wrong with young people. Researchers have proven that young people are greedy and more materialistic. The study is in something called a newspaper. It’s like a blog. But everything in it is from yesterday.

The study refers to young people as millennials. It says they perform poorly in job interviews. There’s nothing worse than a bad interview — realizing a person sitting across from you has checked out and just doesn’t care. Ask any of my guests on this show. They’ll tell you. It’s a terrible experience.

I get annoyed when people do studies like this. They break society into different groups. Then they assign everyone in the group with the same set of characteristics. I can’t stand that kind of small-minded thinking. Then again, I’m a Taurus. We’re all like that.

I don’t consider myself a baby boomer. To me, that means hippies. What do I have in common with a hippie? I never went to Woodstock. I never wore flowers in my hair. I never took huge amounts of LSD and then battled killer ducks who I swear were out to kill me. All right, I did the last one but I didn’t think it was groovy.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.

That’s right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, “Uh, I’m president, aren’t I?”

Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy are teaming up to build a new theme park in Alabama. You can tell because the sign on the roller coaster says, “You must be this shirtless to go on this ride.”

A new survey found that 49 percent of Americans think movie trailers give too much away about the plot. Especially that one trailer that starts with, “In a world where Bruce Willis is dead the whole time . . .”

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