17 Feb

Sunday Funnies

                                       

Friday Feb 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

According to a leaked report from an upcoming U.N. study on climate change, solar activity may play a greater role in global warming than previously thought. The sun may be involved in global warming. It’s always the last place you’d think, isn’t it?

Time magazine is reporting that since Al Gore sold his TV network to Al Jazeera, he is now worth more money than Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? They’re still publishing Time magazine.

Geologists say in a hundred million years, Asia and America will smash into each other and become one big super-continent. How ironic is that? Just about the time when we have our loan to China paid off, we ARE China.

Someone recently threw a shoe at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. They say throwing a shoe is the supreme mark of disrespect in the Arab world. I would have to go with beheading. I would rather have a shoe hit my head than have my head hit my shoes.

Late Show with David Letterman

Happy Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Snake. Here’s how dumb I am. All day long on my checks I’ve been writing “Year of the Dragon.”

I love the Grammy Awards. It’s a chance for me to feel really out of touch and really old.

Hillary Clinton is finished as secretary of state. They had a going away party for Hillary. She had a couple of drinks and admitted she doesn’t know the difference between Paraguay and Uruguay.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a big weekend over in Asia. Sunday night is Chinese New Year. So let me be first to say, “Gung hay fat choy.” That means “Best wishes for a prosperous new year.” Either that or I just threatened to invade Taiwan.

Astrology is derived from the root word “astrologia” — a Latin word that means “crap.”

I don’t put much stock in astrology. It’s all made up. But then, I’m a Taurus so I would think that.

Astrology is very different from “astronomy.” Astronomers spend years in school and know a lot of facts and stuff about science. Astrologers just spout mystical mumbo jumbo that sounds good but isn’t true. It’s like the difference between Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This big winter storm could dump three feet of snow on the East Coast and knock out power to 24 million people. This storm is really a big deal. In fact, the Weather Channel is expecting totals of 12 to 20 viewers.

It was just announced that a third “Night at the Museum” movie is coming out. You can tell they’re running out of ideas because it’s called, “Night at the Museum 3: Maybe Go to the Museum During the Day?”

A man in Florida was arrested for drunk driving on a motorized shopping cart at a Walmart. He led cops on a chase that reached 90 aisles per hour.

Monday Feb 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Pope is resigning! I guess he took that Notre Dame loss to Alabama a lot harder than people thought.

The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, “I’ve got some stuff that can help you with that.”

The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!

Reportedly, President Obama’s speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he’ll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one.

Conan

Pope Benedict announced he’s retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.

Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, “If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.”

The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he’s having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend.

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody here for the annual Westminster Dog Show? It’s an important event and quite a competition — and they say that it is usually a pretty good indicator of the Academy Awards.

Pope Benedict is quitting. That’s a tall hat to fill.

The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.

The Pope said he just doesn’t have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn’t work.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The big news today is from the Vatican. The Pope is resigning. He’s hanging up his giant hat.

The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.

CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

Actually, when the voting’s done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it’s white smoke, they’ve agreed on a Pope. If it’s black smoke, no decision’s been made. If it’s green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Did you watch the Grammys last night? The Grammy Awards celebrate the albums and songs we download illegally.

The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn’t feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.

The Pope will step down on February 28, which means he gave Jesus two weeks’ notice.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, “Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.”

Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?

Last night was the Grammy Awards, and Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?”

Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you’re not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America’s problems and Congress says, “No.”

Monday Feb 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Pope is resigning! I guess he took that Notre Dame loss to Alabama a lot harder than people thought.

The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, “I’ve got some stuff that can help you with that.”

The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!

Reportedly, President Obama’s speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he’ll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one.

Conan

Pope Benedict announced he’s retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.

Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, “If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.”

The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he’s having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend.

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody here for the annual Westminster Dog Show? It’s an important event and quite a competition — and they say that it is usually a pretty good indicator of the Academy Awards.

Pope Benedict is quitting. That’s a tall hat to fill.

The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.

The Pope said he just doesn’t have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn’t work.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The big news today is from the Vatican. The Pope is resigning. He’s hanging up his giant hat.

The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.

CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

Actually, when the voting’s done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it’s white smoke, they’ve agreed on a Pope. If it’s black smoke, no decision’s been made. If it’s green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Did you watch the Grammys last night? The Grammy Awards celebrate the albums and songs we download illegally.

The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn’t feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.

The Pope will step down on February 28, which means he gave Jesus two weeks’ notice.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, “Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.”

Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?

Last night was the Grammy Awards, and Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?”

Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you’re not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America’s problems and Congress says, “No.”

Tuesday Feb 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, “Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!” If we’re really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?

This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of “Hail to the Chief,” they played “Hey, Big Spender.”

The Pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.

Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it’s an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys.

Conan

The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone’s not handling the breakup well.

President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he’s known in the Republican Party, “our black guy.”

Lean Cuisine has recalled some of their frozen dinners because they may contain shards of glass. It’s too bad because people were really losing weight with those.

The Atlanta Braves baseball team has decided to stop using their screaming Indian logo because they say it’s offensive. Unfortunately, the logo they’ve replaced it with is an Asian kid getting into Harvard.

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody in town for the Westminster Kennel Club’s dog show? All of the dogs competing in the competition stay at the same motel. Have you been there? Oh, what a flea bag!

The winner of the dog show gets a beautiful blue ribbon and a toilet full of champagne.

How many of you watched the State of the Union address just for the commercials?

I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tonight is Mardi Gras. I’ll lose control and do things I’ll regret tomorrow, trading my dignity for a few small trinkets. Then when I’m done doing this show, I’ll go and celebrate Mardi Gras.

Mardi Gras is only the fourth-biggest drinking holiday of the year. The top three are St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Tuesdays at Mel Gibson’s.

Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last party.

Mardi Gras is French for “Fat Tuesday.” Unfortunately, we’re all so politically correct now, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as “Big-Boned Day After Monday.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don’t know what the president is going to say, but they know they won’t like it.

Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans’ rebuttal. Democrats decided to pre-emptively rebut their rebuttal.

So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to “Inception,” isn’t it?

Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition came out today. This is the 50th anniversary of the swimsuit edition. The first one was published in 1964. And after 50 years, they still are yet to sell a single swimsuit.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They’ll send out white smoke if they’ve chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven’t chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it’s 2013.

Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln’s birthday instead of Washington’s birthday? Well, it’s because Washington was famous for saying, “I cannot tell a lie.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it’s a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a “You don’t have a clue” problem.

Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up “being Pope.”

Wednesday Feb 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.

The most impressive thing about President Obama’s State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.

Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?

As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there’s just no room for advancement. It’s a dead-end job.

Conan

This Valentine’s Day, White Castle restaurants are going to offer a discount to couples who dine there. Yeah, because there’s no better way to tell a woman you love her than to pay even less at a White Castle.

The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it’s the same thing that happened to Oprah.

The Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It’s just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don’t want to do.

Experts are predicting that the success of Amazon is going to lead to the closure of many RadioShacks. When reached for comment, the CEO of RadioShack said, “Wait, there are still RadioShacks?”

Late Show with David Letterman

Welcome to “The Late Show,” ladies and gentlemen. It’s the best place to be if you’re giving up entertainment for Lent.

Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they’re busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow.

Did you see the State of the Union address last night? President Obama spoke for an hour. One disappointment: not one mention about the zombie attack in Montana.

A couple of days ago, an emergency broadcast in Montana announced that zombies, the living dead, had risen from the grave and were attacking the living. The police department received four phone calls. They received more phone calls when Hostess Cupcakes went out of business.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One’s a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show.

If you’re a dog, winning at Westminster is like an actor winning an Oscar, a tennis player winning at Wimbledon, or an NBA player winning a Kardashian. It’s a big deal!

Last night’s Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It’s a German dog. The affenpinscher’s name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe’s being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump’s toupee.

The dog is going to be in a Broadway play. I’m not sure which one. Maybe “Fiddler on the Rrrufff.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can’t have a middle class without the rich. He’s right. Just like you need “Biggie” fries to have regular-sized fries.

While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That’s what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech.

How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he’s reaching for the water. It’s like, “Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.”

But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can’t buy it, but in Washington, who knows?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The trend this year is couples saying they don’t need to get each other anything for Valentine’s Day, because they love each other EVERY day. I think that’s sweet, but to all the guys out there watching, I just want to say it’s a trap!

Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you — it doesn’t matter if they’re black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward.

President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, “Beats the finger I usually get!”

A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. She said, “I’m suing whoever’s responsible for this!” And her professor said, “Don’t you mean WHOMEVER?”

Thursday Feb 14 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Lent officially began yesterday. Do you know what the Lakers are giving up for Lent? The playoffs.

For those of you who are not Catholic, the idea of Lent is you’re supposed to give up something so you can experience suffering. Or you could just go on a Carnival Cruise.

My heart goes out to those poor passengers stuck on that floating bedpan in the Gulf of Mexico. For four days, 4,000 people stuck on a ship with foul odors, the toilets aren’t working, and there’s long lines for food. And here’s the worst part. The karaoke machine is still working.

Donald Trump called the Beyoncé Super Bowl halftime show “inappropriate” and “a national scandal.” Apparently, it lacked the quiet dignity of Gary Busey and Meat Loaf screaming at each other on “The Apprentice.”

Conan

I want to say if any of you are alone today, it could be worse. You could be on a cruise ship right now — the most miserable cruise in the history of the world.

According to a new poll, a majority of women want their man to propose on Valentine’s Day. And the same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool’s Day.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s day five of that Carnival Cruise trip. You know you’re on a bad cruise if you wake up on day two, you look out your little porthole, and you see the captain and the crew in a lifeboat.

There’s a giant asteroid hurdling toward earth and it’s 150 miles wide. The nation of Iran has solved the problem. They have launched a monkey into space where it will reflect the asteroid with a coconut.

Happy birthday to Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who is 71 years old today. They had a lovely party down at city hall. They have a big cake, and to blow out the candles the mayor stands up on a big stack of his money.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The biggest gifts on Valentine’s Day are flowers and chocolate. Because what says true love better than murdering a plant and then making someone fat?

For me, the best Valentine’s Day gifts don’t cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That’s why I composed a special Valentine’s Day poem for you, my audience. “Roses are red, love’s but a fable. I’m really sorry you can’t afford cable.”

Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I hear from a lot of women who swear they don’t care about Valentine’s Day. In my experience, you can tell how much someone cares about Valentine’s Day by how much they tell you they don’t care about Valentine’s Day.

A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine’s Day gifts. A good way to tell that you’ve lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine’s Day gift.

The song “Gangnam Style” has been named best song for kids to listen to while brushing their teeth. However, it is the worst song to listen to during everything else.

Personally, I think most parents would rather have all their kids’ teeth fall out than hear that song one more time.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was Valentine’s Day. And if you just found that out, that’s why you’re in trouble.

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend Connor Kennedy was arrested yesterday for handcuffing himself to the White House gate to bring attention to climate change. He’s bummed about the arrest, but he’s glad to attach himself to something that won’t write a song about him.

Scientists have discovered a species of fish that surrounds itself with uglier fish in order to look more attractive. However, scientists could not identify which sorority it belongs to.

A man in Georgia was arrested for stealing a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck and leading police on a high-speed chase. The police charged him with one count of grand theft irony.

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This entry was posted in Sunday Funnies. Bookmark the permalink. Sunday, February 17th, 2013 at 9:10 pm
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3 Responses to Sunday Funnies

  1. Wordsmith says: 1

    Apologies for the late delivery.

    ReplyReply

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