30 Dec

Sunday Funnies

                                       

Wednesday Dec 12 2012

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A love letter written by a young Mick Jagger sold at auction for $300,000. You can tell that Mick Jagger’s an old man because the letter actually begins, “Dear Cleopatra.”

It’s 12-12-12. And you know what that means. Nothing.

People say that 12-12-12 is the last time this century we’ll see repeating numbers like that. But all across the country, there was a surge of weddings today. I will still be spending the night clutching a rifle in my underground bunker.

Numbers are important. Without them, we would not know how much stuff weighs or how much stuff is worth. We wouldn’t know how many meltdowns there would be on the set of “Two and a Half Men.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

In case you haven’t already heard it from every annoying person at work, it’s December 12, 2012. It’s 12-12-12. Wedding chapels in Las Vegas were jam-packed. I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It’s bad enough when you forget your anniversary. But forgetting it when you got married on 12-12-12, that’s just asking for trouble.

It’s exciting. I haven’t been this excited since 11-11-11.

This is probably the last time anyone will ever see a triple date. When January 1, 2101, comes along, odds are we’ll all be dead. Tonight on ABC is the 20th annual Barbara Walters special. Barbara will be alive in 2101. She’s the only one.

It’s hard to get in the holiday spirit in L.A. It’s hard to get in the holiday spirit anywhere where you see people shopping for Christmas trees in shorts.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea’s successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea.

The Huffington Post is taking some heat for badly misquoting Mark Twain in a recent piece that was meant to celebrate his birthday. But as Twain himself once said, “Haters gonna hate.”

A company in California designed a flying drone that will drop burritos over your house using a parachute — or as Chris Christie calls that, “the best forecast ever!”

Thursday Dec 13 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She’s been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She’s crashing cars. She’s a genius!

Yesterday a judge in Los Angeles revoked Lindsay Lohan’s probation and Lindsay could get 5 to 10 behind bars. Not years, that’s minutes. This is L.A. jail time.

The Army has started kicking out overweight soldiers, and they’re refusing to admit recruits that are obese. That shows you how times have changed. Back in the ’60s, you had to go to Canada to stay out of the Army. Now, you just have to go to McDonald’s.

Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell.

Conan

Everybody I run into is talking about the end of the world. They’re not believers in the Mayan apocalypse. They’re Laker fans.

Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they’re having a benefit concert for people who had to see that.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in.

Today is Taylor Swift’s 23rd birthday. She said she wants to spend a quiet at home breaking up with someone.


Late Show with David Letterman

It’s award season. They start off with the Nobel Prize awards. Then they go to the Golden Globes.

The Golden Globes is the only TV award show where everybody gets to drink through the show. But that’s not true. I drink through them all.

Barbara Walters’ “Ten Most Fascinating People” show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job.

The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning. Usually I go into a diatribe about how the Golden Globe people are a scandal-ridden group of suck-ups whose only joy in life is getting within 10 feet of movie stars. In other words, “my people.”

Golden Globes are given out by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. The entertainment journalists are from tiny foreign newspapers like the Luxembourg Pennysaver, the Oslo Tattler, and the Rotterdam Bugler.

The favorite in the comedy/musical category is “Les Misérables.” Because what’s funnier or catchier than prison breaks, poverty, and the guillotine?


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

There are only 11 days before Christmas Eve. I give a lot of gifts on Christmas and I get a lot of gifts on Christmas. But I don’t open them right away. I like to save my gifts and I open them during shark week. It’s just more exciting.

The nominations for the Golden Globes were announced this morning. If you got a screaming phone call at 4 a.m., you were either nominated for a Golden Globe or you’re Charlie Sheen’s girlfriend.

The Golden Globes are very important because whoever wins the Golden Globe may or may not win the Oscar.

Steven Spielberg’s movie “Lincoln” had the most nominations of any film this year. Seven. “Lincoln” was nominated for best picture, best director, best beard without a mustache, and furriest top hat.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, “The point.”

HBO is planning a new movie similar to “Game Change,” but based on the 2012 election. The network said they’re not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, “Hey, I’m not doing anything.”

This week, police in Ohio had to break up a fight between two neighbors with the last names Hall and Oates. But don’t worry. It was quickly broken up by officers Simon and Garfunkel.

Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago.

Friday Dec 14 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and “Lincoln” got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something.

On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there WAS a recovery.

The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican.

Late Show with David Letterman

Christmas is just around the corner. It’s just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns.

The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we’re done. We’ve only got about a week left, and I haven’t even started packing.

On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn’t it?

The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn’t work.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The DEA says drug smugglers in Mexico are using canons to shoot marijuana over into the U.S. They have three distances — far, really far, and Willie Nelson’s house.

“The Hobbit” opens today. It’s going to make a ton of money this weekend. It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election.

Gollum’s back as well. He’s my favorite character. According to “The Lord of the Rings,” Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy. That’s why some men view him as a symbol of marriage.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The new movie “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” came out today. It is almost three hours long. This marks the first time people are saying, “I’m going to save myself some time and just read the book.”

Airlines in Europe are testing a new robot that can make drinks for passengers instead of having flight attendants do it. This way, flight attendants can stay focused on their most important job — ramming the beverage cart into your elbow.

Last night the Lakers lost to the Knicks for their fourth loss in a row. I don’t want to say that it was an easy night for the Knicks, but even Woody Allen finished with nine points.

Monday Dec 17 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

In what’s being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It’s called “Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff.”

Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands.

Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton passed out, hit her head, and suffered a minor concussion. Well, we found out today why she passed out. Apparently, she heard the Lakers won two games in a row.

Animal control officers have now shut down a rat-breeding business here in California due to animal neglect. That’s when you know things are bad — when your business is too unsanitary for rats.


Late Show with David Letterman

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday’s game against the Ravens.

For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.

This weekend I finished my packing for the apocalypse coming up on December 21. What do you take? What do you leave behind?

If you think traffic is bad now, wait until the 21st with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A woman in Spain was arrested for stashing three pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. I thought, “That’s quite a bust.”

Anne Hathaway was photographed stepping out of a car last week with no underpants on. That’s still not as embarrassing as the time she hosted the Oscars.

You know the economy is bad when the most successful celebrities can’t afford underwear.

Only 12 shopping days left before Christmas. The big toy this year is the Furby. It’s a toy that came out in 1998. It’s weird how old junk suddenly becomes valuable and you wish you hadn’t thrown them out — kind of like the way CNN feels about Larry King right about now.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

On Saturday night someone stole the cover off my daughter’s Prius. My daughter is away at college. I’m determined to catch these guys. Who steals the cover off a car? That’s like stealing the cap off a pen.

If you thieves are watching right now, I want you to know that my name is Jimmy Kimmel and you stole the cover off my daughter’s Prius and I will not rest until you are brought to justice.

I never felt more like Liam Neeson than I did a moment ago.

To get you in the Christmas spirit, we booked a rapper by the name of 2 Chainz who reminds me of a young Bing Crosby.


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it’s RUMORED that a PARTIAL deal is being CONSIDERED — or to put that in layman’s terms: We’re going off this cliff.

ABC is working on a new show inspired by Justin Bieber’s life before he got famous. It makes sense — I mean, there’s just so much we don’t know about that week.

Tuesday Dec 18 2012
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.

A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. President Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.

NBC’s foreign news correspondent Richard Engel has been freed after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint for five days in Syria by rebels. Even though he was psychologically tortured, he said he was still treated better there than he was here by Comcast.

Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie “Zero Dark Thirty.” It’s also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film “Lincoln.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The world’s oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

It’s been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She’s either in prison or she’s in rehab. She’s been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.

Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son’s having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son’s bar mitzvah. She’s also available for end-of-the-world parties.

And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrated with a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey’s birthday.

“A Charlie Brown Christmas” aired on CBS for 35 years. But since 2001 it’s been airing on ABC. I can’t believe CBS let a classic like that get away, yet they keep this crappy show on the air.

I love Charlie Brown. He’s a pretty mopey kid. His whole demeanor is depressing. The first time I saw Charlie Brown, I couldn’t believe he wasn’t Scottish. And he wears the same yellow and black shirt every day. It makes him look like a Steelers fan.

Here is what I think is weird about Charlie Brown. People always call him by his full name. I’d like it if people referred to me by my complete name: Craig Dingleberry Mcpennywhistle Susan Ferguson.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It’s like we’re all in on a huge joke we’re playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too.

Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn’t end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel.

And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably.

If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets.

Wait, we’re facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That’s not even the opening credits of “The Hobbit”!

Last week a group of chefs baked the world’s largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, “You had me at ‘world’s largest pizza’ — you LOST me at ‘gluten-free’ — then you won me back with “9,000 pounds of cheese.’”

There’s talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of “The Expendables 3,” along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie’s next title: “The Can’t-Understandables.”

Friday Dec 21 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Well folks, it is December 21, or as the Mayans call it, April Fools Day.

We have Terry Bradshaw on the show tonight. The only reason we booked him is because we thought the world was going to end. He thinks we are doing a show so now we have to do it.

Tim Tebow and actress Camilla Belle have called it quits. The rumor is, she caught him not having sex with another woman.

Sources say Tim was unhappy because he felt she was using him — and coach Rex Ryan wasn’t.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s the shortest day of the year. Now the longest day of the year is any day you have lunch with Regis Philbin.

Well, we got a lot to worry about. In nine days, fiscal cliff. I woke up this morning thinking, Wait a minute. Five days until the fiscal cliff? Where is Superman?

But you shouldn’t be worried. You should have faith in our representatives in Congress and the Senate.

Here’s what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Mayan calendar didn’t go past Dec. 21, 2012. There is one problem with the Mayan prophesy. It is crap. Every serious Mayan scholar says close reading of Mayan texts reveals they believed the world would go for thousands of years past the end of the calendar. But let’s listen to the wacko locked in the basement with 500 pounds of spam because he knows what is going to happen!

I’ve got to admit, I love the show “Doomsday Preppers.” It’s about people making bunkers to survive catastrophes they know will happen. A nuclear war, viral epidemic, Fox canceling “Glee.” It’s all going to happen.

Personally, I think people who are panicking about what the Mayans believed says more about our society than it does the Mayans. I don’t know really where I’m going with that, but it sounded good, didn’t it? It sounded like I was really smart. I’ve got something to say.

You know what I really am feeling awkward about? If this is really the end of the world, I’m going to my doom wearing this tie. I’m going off to the hereafter with a tie with a little snowman on it.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s late Friday night, which means the world did not end after all! So the good news is, we’re still here. The bad news, I got A LOT of Christmas shopping to do.

Today, President Obama announced that he’s giving all federal employees Christmas Eve off. And when Joe Biden heard that he was like, “But not Santa, right?”

Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show “Cheers.” Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day — or as they call that in Ireland, “Reality TV.”


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