18 Nov

Sunday Funnies

                                       

Nov. 9, 2012

“The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director – who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world – if he can't keep an affair secret, you're screwed. You don't have a chance.” –Jay Leno

“The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today.” –Jay Leno

“According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, “You mean I could have just bought it?'” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet.” –Jay Leno

“I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years.” –David Letterman

“Still no election results from Florida yet. Florida is the post office of states.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The election has been over for three days, but already there's a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You'd think they could have at least waited until we peeled the 'I voted' stickers off our jackets.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The survey showed Hillary Clinton with 58 percent of the vote, Vice President Biden with 17 percent, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo at 6 percent, and Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren with 3 percent. A woman who has not yet expressed any interest in running is well ahead of some other people who aren't running. Good study.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 10, 2012

“According to poll data, President Obama's victory on Tuesday was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed. So basically Obama became President the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers.” –Seth Meyers

“After this week's election 19 women will now hold seats in the Senate, which is the highest number ever. And no one is happier about it than the pantsuit industry.” –Seth Meyers

“CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'” –Seth Meyers

“Navy officials said Thursday that seven members of SEAL Team 6, the elite unit that killed Osama Bin Laden, were given career-ending reprimands after they disclosed operational secrets to the makers of the videogame “Medal of Honor.” Now everyone knows Bin Laden was killed by A, B, A, B, up, down, right trigger, left trigger.” –Seth Meyers

Nov. 12, 2012

“Florida has finally finished counting the votes. What is wrong with Florida? Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We're talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time.” –Jay Leno

“Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a 'fiscal cliff.' The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was 'Forward.'” –Jay Leno

“We're in great shape. The Republicans drove us into a ditch and the Democrats are driving us over a cliff.” –Jay Leno

“But the good news: President Obama says we will run out of gas long before we get to the cliff. So don't worry about it.” –Jay Leno

“Gas rationing. Welcome to 1974! Here's the only good thing. We don't have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff.” –David Letterman

“James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?” –David Letterman

“Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio.” –David Letterman

“The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA.” –Craig Ferguson

“There's a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice?” –Craig Ferguson

“The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who – well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs.” –Craig Ferguson

“This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, 'Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The James Bond movie 'Skyfall' came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it 'well-made,' while David Petraeus is calling it 'relatable.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Get this. After all the confusion at the polls in Florida last week, Governor Rick Scott said he will review ways to improve his state's voting procedures. It'll be the biggest thing Scott's done since he won that raffle to become governor.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. ” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Even Mike Tyson was like, 'That's a ridiculous tattoo.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't it?” –Jimmy Kimmel


Nov. 13, 2012

“'Skyfall,' the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There's not a lot of sex in the movie – it's very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA.” –Jay Leno

“People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he's behaving like your common congressman.” –Jay Leno

“The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself.” –Jay Leno

“I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter.” –Jay Leno

“David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there – don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you.” –Conan O'Brien

“Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters.” –Conan O'Brien

“This David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it 'a priceless stone' while David Petraeus' wife called it 'a start.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? … You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing.” –David Letterman

“You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney's Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn't work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn't want a vice president with two first names.” –David Letterman


Nov. 14, 2012

“It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, 'Why not?' Those questions can't be any tougher than the ones he's getting at home right now.” –Jay Leno

“No wonder we don’t know what’s going on in Libya. They're all too worried about chlamydia.” –Jay Leno

“See, when a general tells his wife, 'I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan,” technically he's not lying.” –Jay Leno

“This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room. They've changed it.” –Jay Leno

“It's now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He's an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there's something there for Republicans and Democrats.” –Jay Leno

“A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car.” –Jay Leno

“There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas.” –Conan O'Brien

“According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals.” –David Letterman

“This David Patraeus scandal is insane and has no signs of stopping. IN a weird twist today, a jogger recently found the driver's license of Patraeus's mistress, Paula Broadwell, in a park. He knew it was her driver's license because under sex it said, 'Lots with David Patraeus.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney's tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, 'Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!' And now he's like, 'Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?'” –Jimmy Fallon

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