Sunday Funnies

Aug. 13, 2012

“It was a great Olympics – Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow – especially when they had to make all of our “We’re #1” T-shirts.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof.” –David Letterman

“How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.” – David Letterman

“On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Athletes from the United States did very well in the Olympics. They won more medals than any country. So congratulations to all the Olympic medal winners/future “Dancing With the Stars” contestants.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Wasn’t it thrilling when the U.S. Women’s team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men’s soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.” –Jay Leno

“Usain Bolt won the gold for the men’s 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school — kind of like Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan, like Mitt Romney, and like President Obama and like Joe Biden, is a good family man. We have four good family men in this presidential race. See, what about me? I don’t need family men, I have a monologue. I need more Herman Cains, I need John Edwards.” –Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan’s plan is to cut government spending with his razor-sharp widow’s peak…You could open a can of beans with that.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Aug. 14, 2012

“Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns.” –Jay Leno

“We’re learning more and more about the Wisconsin Congressman. Apparently, he’s a huge Green Bay Packers fan. See, that shows you how far the Republicans have progressed – this time, their VP is a cheesehead. Remember, last time it was an airhead. That was totally different.” –Jay Leno

Ever since it was announced Sarah Palin will not be speaking at the Republican Convention, the Romney campaign has been flooded with thousands of texts and emails demanding that she be allowed to speak… all from President Obama.” –Jay Leno

Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? A congressman.” –Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan is full of excitement, he’s drawing big crowds. The only thing holding Paul Ryan back now according to political experts is Mitt Romney.” –David Letterman

“Have you seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists.” –David Letterman

“Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice.” –David Letterman

“I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney’s vice-presidential pick, Paul Ryan, criticized President Obama for not doing enough to create jobs. In response, Obama said, ‘Didn’t you just get a new job?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney’s running mate, which isn’t too bad considering most Americans don’t approve of Paul Ryan’s running mate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“North Korea could test a nuclear missile in two weeks. North Korea says this launch will go much better than previous ones because they got twice as much Diet Coke and Mentos.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree? I cannot find one area. So somehow he’s the smartest guy in the party and she’s the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything.” –Bill Maher

Aug. 15, 2012

“Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket and I was thinking, ‘Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?'” –David Letterman

“Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he’s fed up. So today President Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden.” –David Letterman

“Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally.” –Jay Leno

“It was so hot Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to cool it off.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know, just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new poll, atheism is becoming more and more popular among Americans. God only knows why.” –Jay Leno

“Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all.” –Jay Leno

“Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year – a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he’s not going.” –Jay Leno

“The White House just revealed that it brews its own beer and President Obama drinks it when out campaigning. And even more of it when Joe Biden goes out campaigning.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. military is sending surveillance blimps to monitor the U.S. border with Mexico. It’s a great plan until everyone looks up and sees the blimps.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney said he wants to cut funding for things like Amtrak and PBS, both of which are subsidized by the government. I don’t like the idea of cutting funds for PBS. Things are bad enough already. One of the Muppets is living in a garbage can.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Aug. 16, 2012

“In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, ‘Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney wants to cut funding for PBS. That explains why today “Sesame Street” was brought to you by the letters ‘O and “Bama.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on a new economic plan after losing last night’s big Powerball lottery.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn’t turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November.” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden has a new slogan — “Chains you can believe in.'” –Jay Leno

“Even though he made a number of gaffes this week, President Obama says he’s sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he’s thrilled. Do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That’s not a tax, that’s a tip. In fact, it’s even a crappy tip.” –Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan looks like a guy who owns his own chain of nursing homes.” –David Letterman

“You all remember Donald Trump. He was the guy who thought President Obama was born in Kenya. Hey, I got a message for Donald Trump: ‘Kenya’ shut up?” –David Letterman

“When Facebook stock went on the market, it was priced at $38 a share. Now, a share is worth $18.99. Market analysts have said we’re not posting enough pictures of our cats on Facebook.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Some investors are suing Facebook saying they were misled. Their CEO is a kid in a hoodie. That’s how much we have been misled.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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