Sunday Funnies

May 17, 2012

“Cher sent out a tweet that got some attention. She said if Mitt Romney gets elected, she doesn't know if she can breathe the same air as him. In the event that Romney does get elected, I want to offer Cher a place to live. It's the Cher biodome, complete with a year supply of air and Rice-A-Roni where Cher can live, be happy, and have peace.” –Conan O'Brien

“If you didn't for any reason laugh at the Cher biodome joke, it's probably for two reasons. One, it's not that funny. And two, if you're a younger viewer, you have no idea who Cher is.” –Conan O'Brien

“According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on earth, which is where we live. I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger was still governor. He would know what to do.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Scientists at NASA say the asteroids are dangerously aligned with the earth's orbit and are large enough to enter our atmosphere without breaking apart. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the earth.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That's ridiculous. Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newsweek magazine has President Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that's not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator, and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli.” –Jay Leno

“JPMorgan lost $3 billion in their first quarter and today they lost yet another $1 billion. Turns out they bet on the Lakers. I don't know what JPMorgan is doing. They announced today they are moving their entire headquarters to Greece.” –Jay Leno

May 18, 2012

“On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket.” –Jay Leno

“Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'” –Jay Leno

“According to a new poll by the New York Times, Mitt Romney now has a small lead over President Obama. Which proves once and for all that money can’t buy you happiness, but it comes in handy when you’re running for president, doesn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“The defense has rested in the John Edwards trial. The jury can now find Edwards guilty of misusing campaign funds, which is a felony, or just find him guilty of the lesser charge of misdemeanor douchebaggery.” –Jay Leno

“This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, 'Not bad.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“New Rule: Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email, and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word “Mitt” on a Post-it and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump.” –Bill Maher

May 21, 2012

“Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash.” –Craig Ferguson

“Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.” –Craig Ferguson

“Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece.” –David Letterman

“Al Gore has a new girlfriend. Apparently, it's getting pretty serious. He's already been over to bore her parents.” –Jay Leno

“Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea is rising.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs.” –Jay Leno

May 22, 2012

“While attending meetings in Chicago this week, President Obama stayed in a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying, though: When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his latest poll numbers.” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a study released today, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level.” –Jay Leno

“Facebook has lost so much money that founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named an honorary board member of JPMorgan.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The city of San Francisco has named a street after her today. It's called Botox Avenue.” –Jay Leno

“Facebook shares fell again today. At one point this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg went from being a billionaire to being 'still a billionaire.' –Conan O'Brien

“Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000.” –Conan O'Brien

“Republicans are trying to raise money, so Mitt Romney's checking under his couch cushions.” –David Letterman

“Remember Al Gore, the tubby vice president? He has a new girlfriend – that is unless the Supreme Court takes her away from him.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in the commercial that buys his wife a Lexus for Christmas with the big bow on it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

May 23, 2012

“There has been another new development in the Secret Service prostitution scandal… (Some agents) say this kind of thing is so common that internally they refer to it as the Secret Circus. Which explains why they were trying to pay the hookers peanuts.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, members of the Secret Service told the Senate that there’s an unwritten rule amongst agents that what happens on the road stays on the road. Not to be confused with that WRITTEN rule – that they shouldn't have sex with prostitutes.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, 'the Juan percent.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“After losing billions of dollars, Mark Zuckerberg is being sued for hiding Facebook's weak financial report. Apparently he put it somewhere no one will ever look – MySpace.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Over the past few months there's been an increasing buzz that Mitt Romney will pick a vice president who's safe, white, and duller than him. Which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk.” –Jay Leno

“Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who's trying to climb Mount Rushmore. The guy is in his 50s, from Chicago, and he's desperate to get on Mount Rushmore. Oh my God, it's Obama!” –Jay Leno

“Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon.” –Jay Leno

“Four Secret Service agents fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize the women were prostitutes. Is that the best argument when you're trying to get your job back in the Secret Service? These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really” –Jay Leno

“Next month a new biography is going to come out about the life of 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography is called 'Are you going to finish that?'” –Conan O'Brien

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