Sunday Funnies

April 5, 2012

“The earth’s population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can’t find one candidate they really like.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum’s campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.” –Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” –Jay Leno

“According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he’s now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don’t confuse that with Herman Cain’s campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn’t you think that was already illegal?” –Jay Leno

“So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn’t they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?” –Jay Leno

“Google announced they are making glasses that have embedded technology that projects data on the lenses in front of your eyes. Some people formed a group online to stop the new technology. An online group to stop new technology — does anybody see the irony here?” –Craig Ferguson

“The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they’re a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They’re already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination.” –Craig Ferguson

“A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa — look at that guy’s ears!’” –Jimmy Fallon

April 6, 2012

“Happy Holiday weekend! This, of course, is both Passover and Easter. In fact, did you see what Romney did tonight? I think he’s trying too hard to get votes; he went to a Seder dressed as the Easter bunny.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow night, President Obama is hosting a special showing of the film ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ on the USA Network. And Mitt Romney will be hosting a showing of the film ‘Wall Street.’” –Jay Leno

“You know what’s funny? Both President Obama and Mitt Romney are calling each other ‘out of touch.’ See, being considered ‘out of touch’ is bad for a candidate. On the other hand, as Herman Cain and John Edwards have showed us, touching too much is also bad… there’s a fine line. A very fine line.” –Jay Leno

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants airport security workers to be nicer to foreigners. Could we be any nicer? They cross our borders whenever they want, they get jobs, they get bargain college tuition, we give them driver’s licenses, we never ask them to leave. How much nicer can we be?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has spent $53 million on ads, and Rick Santorum has spent $9 million. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich drew a poster with his name on it and showed up in the background of the ‘Today’ show.” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a recent study, most people think that they are thinner than they really are. Which explains why the other day I saw Newt Gingrich buying a Speedo at Forever 21.” –Jimmy Fallon

April 9, 2012

“Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll – or, as the Republicans call it, ‘President Obama’s Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.’” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt at his house as well. Although he does it a little bit differently; he hides money offshore and then the kids hunt for the nest of eggs. They go to Caymans, they go to Switzerland… they travel all over.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter.” –Jay Leno

“Keith Olbermann is suing his former employer, Current TV, for $70 million. That comes out to $10 million per viewer.” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted body-boarding in California. Romney would’ve gone surfing, but you know, he hates standing for something.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, it turned out there weren’t enough waves that day, so Romney asked Newt Gingrich to do a cannonball.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. Like his most recent update: ‘They still won’t let me go on the campaign trail.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He says people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It’s a group of people known as Democrats.” –Conan O’Brien

“The FBI is reporting that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. They say everyone should be on the lookout for any student who’s paying attention and taking notes.” –Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ‘90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.’” –David Letterman

“Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter egg roll… The only problem was, First lady Michelle Obama was put in charge of the snacks. That’s like putting Rick Santorum in charge of a rave.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which has been going on for years. At this point there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich admitted to The Washington Post that he knows he probably won’t be the Republican nominee for president, but he’s not bowing out of the race because he’s $5 million in debt. So he needs to keep raising money. How do you continue to raise money when you’ve already admitted you probably won’t win?” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 10, 2012

“Miami Marlins’ manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?” –David Letterman

“It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.” –David Letterman

“Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

April 11, 2012

“After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. Even M.C. Hammer was like, ‘Manage your money, bro.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called ‘Understanding Obama’ — while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called ‘Understanding Biden.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn’t have, maybe he really is qualified to be president.” –Jay Leno

“The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama’s administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don’t have to listen to disco.” –Jay Leno

“The teenage birth rate… is now the lowest it’s been in 70 years, and people are wondering why. Is it due to a resurgence of sexual abstinence? Is it due to teens acting more responsibly? Or is due to the fact that ‘Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3’ is so awesome that boys don’t care about girls anymore?” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Romney is out of touch with America.” –David Letterman

“Now that Santorum is out of the race, that leaves Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul out there vying for the crackpot vote.” –David Letterman

“Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he’s the guy who was going to fix our economy.” –David Letterman

“Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don’t recognize.” –David Letterman

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