8 Apr

Sunday Funnies

                                       

March 29, 2012

“Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn’t want to return to his old life of panning for gold.” –David Letterman

“A new poll found that President Obama’s approval rating is above 50 percent for the first time since last May. Obama made sure to thank the people who made that possible — Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This Mega Millions lottery jackpot is now over half a billion dollars. That is so much money, I saw Mitt Romney buying a lotto ticket.” –Jay Leno

“What do you think your odds are of winning that jackpot? The last odds I checked, 176 million to 1. But then again, still better odds than Newt Gingrich getting the nomination.” –Jay Leno

“I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He’s starting to downplay it. Like, today, he called it Bidencare.” –Jay Leno

“The Pope met with Fidel Castro yesterday. As you know, the Pope is the world’s most recognized religious figure, not counting Tim Tebow.” –Jay Leno

March 30, 2012

“Tonight was the big Mega Millions drawing. Mega Millions, isn’t that Mitt Romney’s Secret Service code name?” –Jay Leno

“Gay groups are upset because Rick Santorum wouldn’t let a boy use a pink bowling ball. Maybe Rick just likes black balls, the bigger and heftier the better.” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 2, 2012

“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you’re not just losers. You’re mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.” –Jay Leno

“There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we’re not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half.” –Jay Leno

“Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he’s in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday was April Fool’s Day and get this: Mitt Romney’s staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, ‘My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“No, this is true; I guess his staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

“On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.” –Jimmy Fallon

April 3, 2012

“Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they’re not that excited about it. It’s kind of like starting to accept that you’re going to prom with your sister.” –Jay Leno

“Oh, here’s your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It’s his money. It’s his money she spent.” –Jay Leno

“The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who’s arrested — even accidentally — can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court’s five conservatives. You know — the ‘defending personal liberty’ guys. Which is weird because I’m not a constitutional scholar, but I’m willing to bet Big Government feels it’s biggest when it’s inside your anus.” –Jon Stewart


April 4, 2012

“The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That’s something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin co-hosted the ‘Today’ show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” What they’re going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down ‘Hunger Games’ style.” –Jay Leno

“Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he’s a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn’t qualify because he has a wife and a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They’re always saying the prisons aren’t full enough.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin fired a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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