Sunday Funnies

March 15, 2012

“If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man.” –Stephen Colbert

“Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don’t have sleeves.” –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney has been out-spending his opponents by a huge margin, and he’s still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said he’s set up a task force to look into high gas prices. He’d look into it himself, but he’s busy working on those NCAA tournament brackets.” –Jay Leno

“More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don’t want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum says if elected president, he’ll crack down on Internet porn. You thought he was alienating female voters with that birth control thing? Oh, guys are gonna be leaving in droves.” –Jay Leno

March 16, 2012

“You know what’s kind of ironic? This will be the fourth St. Patrick’s Day of Obama’s presidency. He still hasn’t created a green job. What happened to those?” –Jay Leno

“Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich made his final public appearance yesterday, before beginning his 14-year prison term. No word on who his cell mate is yet. It’s probably a good chance it’s another former Illinois governor.” –Jay Leno

March 19, 2012

“Here’s how nice it was here on the Eastern Seaboard. It was such a beautiful day today that Mitt Romney was riding on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves ‘Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures ‘21 Jump Street.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Santorum said when he’s in the White House he’ll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon

March 20, 2012

“This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is ‘Newt Gingrich.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Santorum said he’s not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November.” –David Letterman

“According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you’re watching Fox News, you’re probably not voting for him in the first place.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, ‘Until now!'” –Conan O’Brien

March 21, 2012

“Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department.” –Conan O’Brien

“Here’s what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It’s just part of their tradition.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: ‘Cover-Your-Face Book.'” –Jimmy Fallon

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