Sunday Funnies

March 1, 2012

“While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.’” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has promised to bring gas down to $2.50 a gallon. That’s what Newt should be doing, running a gas station!” –Jay Leno

“It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax.” –Jay Leno

“I think Romney’s a good man but he just doesn’t inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: ‘I guess you’re stuck with me.’” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won’t even shop at Dick’s Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He thinks a threesome is playing golf with two other guys. He’s so conservative, he won’t even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O’Brien

“A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.” –Conan O’Brien

March 2, 2012

“This woman [Sandra Fluke] got a call today from then President. President Obama called her to thank her for her testimony. And then President Clinton called Obama to get her number.” –Bill Maher

“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you.” –Jay Leno

“In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He’s created a lot of jobs in India.” –Jay Leno

“In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn’t want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, ‘Swedish maid?’” –Craig Ferguson

March 5-6, 2012

“Today is the multi-state primary known as ‘Super Tuesday.’ It’s going to be followed tomorrow by ‘Now we’re really stuck with Romney Wednesday.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In several Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. Yeah. These are the same people who think that Super Tuesday is Superman’s birthday.” –Conan O’Brien

“This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate. … Unfortunately it doesn’t help that his opening line is ‘Hello, my fellow peasants.'” –Conan O’Brien

“As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace.” –Conan O’Brien

“Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney’s been out on the campaign trail even though he’s suffering from a terrible cold. I’m not surprised he’s sick. It’s very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that.” –Craig Ferguson

“It didn’t help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.” –Craig Ferguson

“With Super Tuesday coming up… there is not much time left until all conservatives are obliged to bury our feelings and find Mitt Romney attractive.” –Stephen Colbert

“It’s like the Super Bowl of politics — if the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself.” –Stephen Colbert on Super Tuesday

“Good point, Rush. She’s a slut and a prostitute? That’s two jobs and she still can’t afford her own birth control? Come on.” –Stephen Colbert on the Sandra Fluke controversy

March 7, 2012

“Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. …Then Romney made the mistake of saying, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'” –Conan O’Brien

“According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being ‘totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.’” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that Dunkin’ Donuts restaurants in China are adding pork donuts to the menu. For God’s sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?” –Conan O’Brien

“Evidently, voters really responded to his campaign slogan: ‘Putin 2012 — Or He’ll Shoot Your Family.'” –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney’s wife said she doesn’t even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don’t believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.” ” –Craig Ferguson

“I’m excited about the new iPad. But then I’m excited about anything that is not the Republican primaries.” –Craig Ferguson