Sunday Funnies

Dec. 1, 2011

“I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk.” –Jay Leno

“Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we’re all asking: ‘Why can’t these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?'” –Jay Leno

“One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn’t that nice? And in front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread ‘foreclosed’ sign.” –Conan O’Brien

“It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is ‘Shine, Give, Share.’ While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be ‘Clean, Pack, Move.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, ‘There was a ban on that?'” –Jimmy Fallon

Dec. 2-3, 2011

“President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting.” –Jay Leno

“High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. It was so windy police at U.C. Davis had to take the students inside to pepper spray them. Birds just stayed in their bird houses and tweeted each other.” –Jay Leno” –Jay Leno

“The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard.” –Jay Leno

“I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he’ll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi.” –Jay Leno

“In a new interview, it’s revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget.” –Jimmy Fallon

Dec. 5, 2011

“Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: ‘I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie…'” –Jon Stewart

“Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn’t get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White’s house.” –Jay Leno

“The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That’s good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars…” –Jay Leno

“Not surprisingly, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign. He made the announcement on Saturday…he brought his wife with him so apparently he couldn’t find a date.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That’s a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas.” –Jay Leno

“To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That’s a good way to get people to come back, isn’t it? Make your service even slower than it already is.” –Jay Leno

“Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don’t use anymore, like Canada.” –Jay Leno

“Everybody’s talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don’t think you can blame the Democrats. I’m pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Dec. 6, 2011

“Herman Cain dropped out. Our writers and I were despondent. But sometimes when God closes a door He opens a window. And standing outside that window is a circus peanut wearing a badger. Donald Trump will moderate a Republican debate Dec. 27. Thank you, Jesus.” –Jon Stewart

“Today Herman Cain again denied allegations of any sexual misconduct and thanked his supporters for their gullibility.” –Jay Leno

“This is kind of scary. This was in the paper today; according to the new federal guidelines if you’ve had sex with more than one personin the past year, you might be ‘too promiscuous to be an organ donor.’ More bad news for Herman Cain.” –Jay Leno

“In a new interview at her lawyer’s office, Herman Cain’s mistress of the past 13 years, this woman Ginger White, said no one has offered to pay her any money for her story. But to be fair no one is buying Herman Cain’s story either. I think that’s fair.” –Jay Leno

“Cain says that he and his wife…everything is fine between them. Though it’s not certain this wife still trusts him 100%. Like today Mrs. Cain called Michele Bachmann and asked if she could pray him gay. Does it work that way? Can you pray a guy gay?” –Jay Leno

“Former Vice President Dan Quayle…remember Dan? Potato with an ‘e’? He has officially endorsed Mitt Romney. And today Romney said, ‘Why are you rushing into this? Newt Gingrich is pretty good. Have you talked to him? That Rick Perry is a handsome…'” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich met with Donald Trump yesterday. There’s a good combination – two guys, 6 wives, 0 chance of either one of them ever becoming president of the United States.” –Jay Leno

“The head of the Federal Aviation Administration … has been arrested on charges of drunk driving. I don’t want to say how much the guy drank, but when they pulled him over, he was driving the beverage cart.'” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain, the Herminator, said ‘I will not be silent, and I will not go away.’ Then he shut up and left.” –David Letterman

“I’m so excited, Christmas season is finally here. … A new survey found that two of the most popular holiday songs are ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.’ The LEAST popular Christmas song: ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Herman Cain.'” –Jimmy Fallon

Dec. 7, 2011

“Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor.” –Jay Leno

“There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam.” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden visited Greece last week on the debt crisis. I don’t want to say the vice president doesn’t know much, but he kept asking for John Travolta.” –Jay Leno

“Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty.” –David Letterman

“Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on “Celebrity Apprentice.'” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts.” –David Letterman

“I like Newt Gingrich. You know who he looks like? He looks like your Dad’s old Army buddy, doesn’t he?” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney now says the gloves are coming off. And then Ron Paul said, ‘And my teeth are coming out.'” –David Letterman

“In California a greased-up, naked, 300-lb. bodybuilder was terrorizing a neighborhood. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.” –David Letterman

“The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair.” –Craig Ferguson

“He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama.” –Craig Ferguson

“The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad.” –Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters.” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Messages Left On Rod Blagojevich’s Answering Machine”

10. Hey, it’s Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn’t get that for murder
9. This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing
8. Do you want the cell closer to the espresso machine or Jacuzzi?
7. Congratulations, I hear you’re going to Vail. Wait, never mind
6. Hey, it’s your cell mate. Do you like the top or bottom?
5. Sorry, I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Todd Blagojevich
4. Hey, it’s Dave. Tonight’s Top Ten List is about you. Nice work
3. It’s 2011, why do you still have an answering machine?
2. This is President Obama. I’m granting you a full pardon. Nah, I’m just screwing with you
1. It’s the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat

Source