Sunday Funnies

Nov. 22, 2011

“This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn’t talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 28, 2011

“A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department.” –Jay Leno

“The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle.” –Jay Leno

“A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way…much like his political positions today.” –Jay Leno

“It’s Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, ‘When I’m president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.'” –Conan O’Brien

“There are some things that you can get on Black Friday that you can’t on Cyber Monday, like being pepper sprayed in the face.” –Craig Ferguson

“In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.” –Craig Ferguson

“Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she’s number 9-9-9 now.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia ‘The Phantom Tollbooth,’ while Malia bought Barack ‘Economics for Dummies.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China’s credit card statement.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named ‘Jihad.’ Or as the TSA put it, ‘Hope you like Amtrak!'” –Jimmy Fallon

Nov. 29, 2011

“Herman Cain said he’d only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she’s always behind him, because there’s never any room under him.” –Conan O’Brien

“Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. Yeah, in a related story, everyone’s head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.” –Conan O’Brien

“This new woman says the affair was consensual. I’d say things are looking up.” –Stephen Colbert on Herman Cain

“A thirteen-year affair just proves you can carry on a stable relationship – two, counting your marriage.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”13 years!? That is an admirable commitment to the woman with whom you are violating your spousal commitment with.” –Jon Stewart on Herman Cain

“You know, I don’t know what the Republicans are crowing about. Losing Barney Frank is the worst thing that could happen to conservatives. He is the perfect avatar of everything they hate: gay, Jewish, Taxachusetts, arrogant, condescending liberal. He’s your everything bagel.” –Jon Stewart

“President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Another woman has come forward. Herman Cain is starting to look like a black Tiger Woods.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he’s polling is up.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain’s latest accuser, a woman named Ginger White, said the affair with Herman Cain lasted for 13 years. She knew Herman Cain was married. Just as the other four women who accused him of sexual harassment, they knew Herman Cain was married. In fact, the only one who didn’t realize Herman Cain was married was Herman Cain.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign.” –Jay Leno

Nov. 30, 2011

“Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn’t find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the ‘NBC Nightly News’ while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound – or as that’s also known, ‘The View.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey’s house.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald’s unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit.” –Conan O’Brien

“How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it’s time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world’s longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. ” –Jimmy Kimmel

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