Sunday Funnies

Sept. 1-2, 2011

“‘The White House agreed to move President Obama’s speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe.” –Jay Leno

“Obama caved again when ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ called and said, ‘Our show is on at that time.'” –Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney’s book is an inside look at what it’s like to be president — uh, vice president.” –Jay Leno

“A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, “Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama’s approval rating.” –David Letterman

“Obama’s approval rating is 38 percent. I’d kill for numbers like that.” –David Letterman

“Next week, Obama will unveil his new jobs bill. I’m sure that will sail right through.” –David Letterman

“Labor Day is when we celebrate our workforce. Do we still have a workforce?” –David Letterman

“New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that’s the price you pay for living in an island paradise.” –David Letterman

“After pressure from Republicans, President Obama moved his big jobs speech from Wednesday to Thursday night. Obama gave in when he realized something important: He could just TiVo ‘Jersey Shore.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has declared that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. And if you’re looking for a way to celebrate, I recommend the ‘Mac n’ Cheese Big Daddy Patty’ from Denny’s.” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten President Obama Labor Day Weekend Plans”

10. Unwind after his two-week vacation
9. A backyard barbecue with the guy who forged his birth certificate
8. Flip through Gadhafi’s sexy photos of Condi
7. Resist cigarette cravings by chewing on charcoal briquettes
6. Hire goons to rough up Mitt Romney
5. Grill up some of Michelle’s delicious kale paste
4. Update his resume
3. Hillbilly Handfishin’
2. Pretty much whatever the Republicans tell him he can do
1. Sit around bonfire reading scary passages from Dick Cheney’s memoir

Sept. 5, 2011

“For most Americans, Labor Day means a 3-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it’s been a 12-month weekend.” –Jay Leno

“New statistics show the U.S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?” –Jay Leno

“Our guests on the show are Dick Cheney and Carrot Top. That’s what happens when you let Match.com pick the guests.” –Jay Leno

“I read that a man from Illinois discovered $150,000 in his garden. Did you hear that, President Obama? A man from Illinois actually grew the economy.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords.” –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 6, 2011

“The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC, right after the season finale of President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don’t think it will be a big speech.” –Jay Leno

“According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he’s standing next to a car salesman.” –Jay Leno

“One of President Obama’s speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he’s a speech writer for Michele Bachmann.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won’t receive the report in the mail for another two years.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at.” –Conan O’Brien

“Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work.” –David Letterman

“In a new interview, Joe Biden says the one thing he hates about his job is not getting to drive his 1967 Corvette. Yeah, Biden’s Corvette is pretty sweet – cherry red finish, shiny chrome rims, fully-charged remote control.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain’s running of the bulls. Right. If there’s one thing Arizona is missing it’s thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The fact that you’re out of money makes you relatable to so many Americans right now.” –Stephen Colbert to Tim Pawlenty

Sept. 7, 2011

“People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.” –Conan O’Brien

“To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.” –Conan O’Brien

“In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.” –Conan O’Brien

“Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel.” –David Letterman

“President Obama’s approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there’s a silver lining.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In what other job are you forced to hear how much people don’t like you three times a week?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation – I mean job creation.” –Jay Leno

“The speech will be translated into Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs can understand.” –Jay Leno

“Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me!'” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways The United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around”

10. Change name to UPS
9. Invent a stamp that licks back
8. Add wacky sound effects for mailboxes
7. Alter mail trucks to look like Millennium Falcon from ‘Star Wars’
6. If your letter isn’t delivered in 30 minutes or less, it’s free
5. Bedazzled uniforms
4. New hit reality show: ‘Real Mailmen of New Jersey’
3. Customers can now pay with gas or grass
2. Take the Packers and give three and a half tomorrow night
1. Ten cent surcharge to deliver my hate mail — you’ll make millions

Sept. 8, 2011

“Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier this evening President Obama gave his big jobs speech. So what we had tonight was a guy whose job nobody approves of, giving a speech about jobs that don’t exist, to people who don’t have any jobs. So it’s a real positive, uplifting…” –Jay Leno

“According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they’re thinking about moving back to Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t get why everyone is hung up about getting jobs. Isn’t it better to stay up until 4:00 in the morning watching reruns of ‘Sanford and Son?'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The president said we need more products stamped ‘Made in America.’ OK, let’s get the Chinese to get a stamp that says ‘Made in America.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tonight was President Obama’s jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama’s jobs speech tonight. I guess they figured there’s already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.” –Jimmy Fallon

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