Sunday Funnies

July 21, 2011

“I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann’s brain, migraines are not even in the top 20.” –Jon Stewart

“The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s motorcade was fined $16 for traffic it caused while in the United Kingdom. Typical for Obama, he said, ‘My grandkids will pay for it.'” –Jay Leno

“A couple of people who worked for the presidential candidate Michele Bachmann say that she gets these chronic migraines. That’s been the story. To derail her candidacy a lot of people are trying to make it like it’s a female thing, cause she gets these headaches. It’s not. President Obama also has a chronic headache. It’s called Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“More bad news for former Senator John Edwards – an audit of his campaign finances shows he now owes the federal government $2.3 million. Apparently he spent money on everything except condoms.” –Jay Leno

“Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don’t have to hear about it until the afterlife. That’s the only difference.” –Jay Leno

“Cowboys & Aliens is supposed to be the next big blockbuster. Doesn’t that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?” –Jay Leno

“Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, ‘We are home. We have no jobs.'” –Conan O’Brien

“NASA says that without the space shuttle, we’ll have to pay the Russians $63 million to take one astronaut into space. And if the astronaut wants to check a bag, it’s an extra $15 million.” –Conan O’Brien

“When you’re a gay couple getting married, who gets the bachelor party? Who goes downstairs in the middle of the night to check on the noise? Who forgets the anniversary? Who refuses to stop and ask for directions? And which one of you will take forever to get ready?” –David Letterman

“Weather experts say that 1 million square miles of the U.S. are under a ‘heat dome.’ But don’t worry — we have plenty of shade under our $14 trillion debt ceiling.” –Jimmy Fallon

“House Speaker John Boehner invited new congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren’t really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat – a seat that will soon be repossessed.” –Craig Ferguson

‎”Bringing gay history into our classrooms teaches our children a dangerous lesson: that gay people exist.” –Stephen Colbert

July 22, 2011

“In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a ‘debt ceiling deal’ for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, ‘But if I can’t have that – iPad.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It’s hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they’ll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products.” –Jay Leno

‘Captain America’ is set in the 1940s, when people thought smoking was healthy and for breakfast, they would eat bacon smothered in beef fat with a side of asbestos.” –Craig Ferguson

“Back then, America had a ruined economy and was fighting wars with two different countries. It was a totally different time.” –Craig Ferguson

“Captain America is patriotic. Of course, Superman wore the American colors, but he wasn’t born here — much like our president.” –Craig Ferguson

“Captain America isn’t just patriotic, he’s also a real captain in the armed forces, not a made-up captain, like Captain Crunch.” –Craig Ferguson

July 25, 2011

“I’m not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I’m just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.” –Jon Stewart

“Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America’s credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card.” –Conan O’Brien

“My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.” –David Letterman

“The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya.” –David Letterman

“I heard that if we don’t raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn’t the auto club mind their own business?” –David Letterman

“A lot of people don’t understand what the debt ceiling is. So everyone can understand, it’s the ceiling for our debt.” –Craig Ferguson

“We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.” –Craig Ferguson

“Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?'” –Craig Ferguson

“Gay marriage is legal in New York. That’s got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don’t you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay.” –Jay Leno

“The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part.” –Jimmy Kimmel

July 26, 2011

“The NFL lockout is over. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It’s too bad the national debt isn’t as important as football.” –David Letterman

“On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America.” –David Letterman

“In his speech, President Obama said that ‘compromise’ has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“McDonald’s has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald’s added cheese and beef to their apple slices.” –Conan O’Brien

“The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If the debt ceiling isn’t raised by Aug. 2, the whole country can go into default and we won’t be able to pay our bills. Then we’ll have to ask our parents for money, which will be very embarrassing.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“‘Debt ceiling,’ to me, sounds like a boring John Grisham novel, but apparently it’s very important.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“‘Captain America’ made $65 million over the weekend, which is about twice what actual America made.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of ‘hiding in the basement’ during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of ‘locking him in the basement’ during debt ceiling talks.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: ‘President Joe Biden.'” –Jay Leno

“We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.” –Jay Leno

“Republican Presidential Candidate John Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, Susie Wiles. This after a poll showing she has higher name recognition than he did. That’s not good.” –Jay Leno

The entire town of Scenic, South Dakota is for sale for $799,000. You can buy the whole city. Twelve acres! It has a saloon, a post office, and 15 Starbucks. It’s not unusual to buy an entire city. We’ve been doing that for years. It’s called Washington, D.C.” –Jay Leno

“Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan.” –Craig Ferguson

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? … I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted ‘The Bachelorette’ to be like, ‘Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'” –Jon Stewart

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Win Over The Republicans”

10. Show up to next meeting in a Captain America uniform
9. Burn everyone a really cool mix CD
8. Bribe them with free tickets to a ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ show
7. Raise the debt ceiling, but do it with a fun sound effect
6. Do something about the heat
5. Swap places with another guy named Barack Obama — hey, don’t miss the new reality show ‘Same Name’ Sundays at 9:00 p.m. on CBS!
4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. Like I’m the right guy to ask for advice on winning people over
2. Don’t be such a poor sport when they call him a socialist, foreign-born, radical Muslim who’s trying to destroy America
1. Kill bin Laden again

July 27, 2011

“This debt crisis still isn’t solved, but yesterday, the White House said it’s working on a ‘plan B.’ Unfortunately, the B stands for ‘bake sale.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn’t seem like a lot to you.” –Jimmy Fallon

“NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, ‘One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“John Boehner told Republicans to ‘get in line.’ He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We’ll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn’t reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congressman David Wu has resigned after being accused of unwanted sexual advances. Or as it was called in my high school, ‘the Conan.'” –Conan O’Brien

“We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the ‘feels like’ is $20 trillion.” –David Letterman

“The number one movie in the country is “Captain America.” Analysts say this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40’s and has a retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time. Whole different thing from today.” –Jay Leno

“A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is ‘corrupt.’ The other 64 percent think Congress is ‘extremely corrupt.'” –Jay Leno

“According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” –Jay Leno

“Economists are worried if we fall into default “the good name of the United States” would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of “Jersey Shore” to Italy.” –Jay Leno

‎”Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news people, not random people with an AOL account.” –Jon Stewart on Twitter pundits

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