Sunday Funnies

July 8, 2011

“If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican.” –Bill Maher

“According to the New York papers Dominique Strauss Kahn’s hotel maid — you know the woman who accused him of sexual assault — has been revealed to be a prostitute. That’s what they said. You can see how bad things have gotten for hookers since Eliot Spitzer stopped using them. Now they are forced to take a second job. They’ve got to be maid. It’s horrible.” –Jay Leno

“A right wing religious group in Iowa is asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to respect marriage and remain faithful to their spouse. More problems for Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

July 11, 2011

“The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.” –Jay Leno

“A right wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Didn’t we take this pledge? It’s called the ‘Marriage Vow.’ Is that not good enough anymore, we have to take it again?” –Jay Leno

“Here is a truly frightening story; they are now saying that Al Qaeda had plans to use women as human bombs on airplanes. Did you hear about this? They are saying that they could put bombs inside women’s breast implants. Do you know what that means? Hooters could be a terrorist training camp.” –Jay Leno

“The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps.” –Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, ‘I’m not sure if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’s definitely an American.'” –Jimmy Fallon

July 12, 2011

“Michele Bachmann says that if she’s elected, she’ll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment . . . Yeah, let’s ban pornography.” –David Letterman

“Bachmann says she wants to end things that are ‘vulgar and a detriment to society.’ She’s talking about me, right?” –David Letterman

“It’s 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign.” –David Letterman

“Michele Bachmann signed pledge in Iowa recently about protecting marriage, but it also said stuff about black children having it better when they were raised during slavery. Now her campaign is saying that while, yes, she did sign the pledge, she didn’t read it first. And had she read it, she never would have signed it in the first place. Well, thank God presidents don’t have to sign anything so important they have to read it first.” –Jay Leno

“The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.” –Jay Leno

“Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.” –Jay Leno

“A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: ‘North Mexico.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, ‘It takes two to tango.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he’s going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He’s going to star in a new Western. I think it’s called ‘Butch Cassidy and the Illegitimate Kid.’ ‘Somebody has to clean up this town. Who’s going to clean it up? Where’s the maid?'” –Craig Ferguson

“We’re three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can’t find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs.” –Jon Stewart

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“Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages.” –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

July 13, 2011

“We’re getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2nd. How many people are surprised by that? How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2nd?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don’t think that ever works.” –Jay Leno

“Scientists say life on Earth is wiped out every 27 million years, and we have 16 million years left. So we’re all going to die just when we finally get our debt paid off.” –Jay Leno

“A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million.” –Jay Leno

“You know the woman in Texas who gave birth to a 16-pound baby boy? Turns out if was a hoax. It wasn’t a baby at all. It was a Mexican trying to sneak into the country.” –Jay Leno

“Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done.” –David Letterman

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs the United States Is Running Out of Money”

10. For $10,000, you get your face on the dollar
9. The White House now has a two-drink minimum
8. There’s a listing on eBay for North Dakota
7. Barack Obama sold his Nobel Prize to ‘Cash4Gold’
6. Americans now attempting to sneak into Mexico
5. Renting Biden’s house to backpacking German tourists
4. Costs $25 for each bag the president wants to check on Air Force One
3. John Boehner getting paid in beach bum tanning gift cards
2. Country is moving in with England until we get back on our feet
1. Applied for a $40 billion loan from Oprah

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