Sunday Funnies

June 23-24, 2011

“Justin Bieber and President Obama both in New York tonight. Traffic gridlock with the most powerful man in the world and right down the street President Obama.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Supreme Court ruled makers of generic drugs can’t be sued for incorrect labeling. All they have to say is, ‘These pills will do something to your cholesterol or penis.'” –Conan O’Brien

“A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit last week. Then his finance staff. He was going to quit the race, but his speechwriter quit too.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, ‘We can’t stay there indefinitely.’ You think our troops in Korea are going, ‘HELLO, we’ve been here for 60 years.'” –Jay Leno

“Today President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers.” –Jay Leno

“According to reports, poor financial decisions with a Chicago brokerage firm cost Al-Qaida over $20 million in investments. Why are we risking the lives of our Navy SEALs? Send in Bernie Madoff. He will take care of these people. In five minutes they will be broke.” –Jay Leno

“Al Gore publicly attacks President Obama for taking no bold action on global warming and not fighting hard enough to pass new legislation in Congress. Then the girl behind the counter said, ‘Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go?'” –Jay Leno

June 27, 2011

“Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama’s Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich’s face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous.” –Conan O’Brien

“New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it’s great for everybody — especially divorce lawyers.” –David Letterman

“Anthony Weiner is back in the private sector now. When he was a congressman from New York, I think it was his private sector that got him in trouble.” –David Letterman

“During the trial, Blagojevich got himself in trouble for texting photos of his hair.” –David Letterman

“Anthony Weiner was photographed this weekend dining with his wife and texting from his cell phone. Maybe he should put the phone away for a few years.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That’s a long time, even for a leprechaun.” –Jimmy Kimmel

June 28-29, 2011

“Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, ‘What’s the difference between ‘reply’ and ‘reply all?” –Conan O’Brien

“A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself.” –Conan O’Brien

“Rod Blagojevich was charged with corruption — and unlawful imprisonment of a badger. Have you seen his hair?” –David Letterman

“Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn’t paying attention during the trial.” –David Letterman

“They’re cancelling fireworks because it might lead to fire. That’s like cancelling a carnival because it might lead to being abducted by carnies.” –Stephen Colbert on Texas banning fireworks