Sunday Funnies

June 6, 2011

“It’s official. It turns out it was Weiner’s weiner. At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!” -Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been a tough week for him. He’s lost so much support, and he had to buy a second pair of underwear too. I’m just glad he had the balls to admit his mistake.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been a crazy few days. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, ‘Thank you God! This is the best week ever!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“First Lady Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, ‘Not Disney World. Thanks Mom!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Anthony Weiner scandal shows that despite the wars and the economy, we’re all really still in 9th grade.” –Jay Leno

“With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!” –Jay Leno

“It shows you how the political race has changed. Remember it wasn’t that long ago when candidates would ask ‘Where’s the beef?’ You can’t ask that now!” –Jay Leno

“And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man’s crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner’s Twitter followers. Do they even have to say ‘lewd.’ I mean, are there tasteful photos of men’s crotches?” –Jay Leno

“The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.” –Jay Leno

“It was so nice in New York City that the whole staff was in Central Park writing Anthony Weiner jokes.” –David Letterman

“I don’t know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don’t men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!” –David Letterman

“Osama bin Laden’s successor was taken out by an American drone. An American drone? Isn’t that Mitt Romney?” –David Letterman

“It’s a great day for late night comedians because it’s a bad day for Congressman Anthony Weiner.” –Craig Ferguson

“Weiner admitted to sending underpants photos of himself. It’s a huge political scandal. Arnold Schwarzenegger even called Weiner to say, ‘Thank you.'” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Tweeting a Photo of Yourself”

10. “Is this my best side?”
9. “Will this get me more followers?”
8. “Should I put it on Facebook instead?”
7. “Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing?”
6. “Would it be more personal to fax everyone photos?”
5. “What’s the point if James Arness is no longer alive to see it?”
4. “Is there a better way to show people I’m Jewish?”
3. “What would Brett Favre do?”
2. “Isn’t this what Twitter’s for?”
1. “What could possibly go wrong?”

June 7, 2011

“The list of women who got sexy pics from Anthony Weiner keeps growing. As of now it’s a porn star, a single mom from Texas, a blackjack dealer, and a student from Seattle. Is this a sex scandal of the next cast of Survivor? ‘Survivor: Weiner Island.'” –Craig Ferguson

“Today the porn star in question – talking about Anthony Weiner – apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I’d hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman.” –Craig Ferguson

“But I have to ask this: What kind of world are we living in when porn stars make Weiners go down?’ It’s reverse world!” –Craig Ferguson

“Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. You see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone.” –Jay Leno

“This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door…Now they send it right to your house.” –Jay Leno

“A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they’re very short messages. Like cocktail wieners.” –Jay Leno

“He said there were six girls in three years, but he never had sex with any of them. Six girls in three years and no sex. You know what I call that? High school.” –Jay Leno

“Weiner’s beautiful wife Huma – she’s a beautiful woman if you’ve seen her – she is an aide for Hillary Clinton. I guess Hillary called Huma to console her while Anthony Weiner got a call from Bill going ‘Yeah!'” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, ‘No, my hair is fine.'” –Jay Leno

“The USDA has done away with the food pyramid. It didn’t work anyway. Ever since they came out with it, Americans have turned into food pyramids.” –Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you’re going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week.” –David Letterman

“Weiner says no matter how many photos of him in his underpants surface, he is not stepping down. I said, wow, this looks like a job for Leno.” –David Letterman

“Weiner wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Good luck with that. Governor, sure.” –David Letterman

“Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. Barack Obama looks at these guys and wishes he hadn’t spent the money on the new birth certificate.” –David Letterman

“It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, ‘I don’t know.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, ‘So it looks like they do want to start a family.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden’s death. Or as Gadhafi’s putting it, ‘Uh oh.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Lawmakers here in New York have proposed a new program to teach teenagers about the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York lawmakers about the dangers of sexting?” –Jimmy Fallon

June 8, 2011

“Comedy people sit around for years hoping for a scandal called ‘Weinergate.’ And then it happens.” –Conan O’Brien

“51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it.” –Conan O’Brien

Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, ‘Don’t worry, I sent her a text.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” –Conan O’Brien|

“What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation?” –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

“Democrats in Congress have been distancing themselves from the Anthony Weiner scandal. Just to be safe, everyone is staying a good 6 to 8 inches away at all times.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There has been growing pressure for Anthony Weiner to resign. When asked for a comment, Weiner said, “Look, I’m not leaving … but I am packing.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Mitt Romney: I’m Good For Your Brain.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is predicting that the economy will pick up in the second half of the year. So you know what that means: nothing.” –Jimmy Fallon

“When there’s trouble, you can always tell who your friends are. And this poor guy, Anthony Weiner, is getting no support from nobody. Except, you know who’s supporting Anthony Weiner? Newt Gingrich. Today, Newt Gingrich sent him a $10,000 cell phone case from Tiffany’s.” –David Letterman

“Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it’s resignation, and then you appear on ‘Dancing With the Stars.'” –David Letterman

“Yesterday President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman asking if she’d like to see his wienerschnitzel.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were women, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen.” –Jay Leno

“People wonder why Weiner engaged in such reckless behavior. If you wanted people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he’s sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s top economic adviser, a man named Austan Goolsbee, is stepping down: He will be replaced by something a little more effective…the magic 8-ball.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said today he’s not concerned about a double dip recession. He’s more concerned the recovery we’re in is not creating enough jobs. In fact, do you know what you call a recovery that isn’t creating enough jobs? A recession.” –Jay Leno

“The beautiful star of the TV show ‘Mad Men,’ January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, ‘Why can’t I meet women like this?'” –Jay Leno

“Delta Airlines has a new slogan, ‘Come fly the greedy skies.’ This is unbelievable; Delta Airlines is in trouble now after they charged our U.S. soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 because they had extra baggage. If the TSA isn’t grabbing your ass, delta’s grabbing your wallet. It’s unbelievable.” –Jay Leno

“To make matters worse for our returning soldiers, the in-flight movie was ‘burlesque’, and since many of these guys were paratroopers, they just bailed.” –Jay Leno

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