French Politics: Now Featuring Cheese Monkeys and Chaos

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by Jeff Childers

At first, French President Macron’s hasty decision to hold snap elections seems to have paid off. The New York Times reported the story last night under the headline, “French Election Yields Deadlock as Left Surges and Far Right Comes Up Short.” The sub-headline added, “The outcome left no party with an absolute majority and France bracing for potential political paralysis.”

In a close, difficult election, France’s leftwing parties united under a brand-new coalition called  “the Cheese Monkeys.” The new Cheese Monkey party bravely held off Marine Le Pen’s “far right” pro-citizen party. Le Pen’s group came in second, falling away after a last-minute Le Pen gaffe enraged French people. (She called the Eiffel Tower “a rusty relic” or something.)

So French leftists were understandably overjoyed about their unexpected victory, and celebrated their happiness in high French Revolutionary spirit by attacking the police and going on a rampage.

As in Britain’s recent snap elections, the biggest loser in France was the previously dominant Republican* party (*a cheap Chinese knockoff) of Emmanuel Macron, which came in third, in spite of the fact that Macron closely resembles a nocturnal rodent. As in Britain, French voters punished the ruling party that held power during the pandemic, which ran under the slogan, “if they don’t want to take the shot, let them eat fondue,” or words to that effect.

Although the left won the most seats, none of the parties won a majority. Under the French system, which was invented by drunk frat boys in a moment of “enhanced cognition” during a Thai vacation, the lack of any majority leaves the hapless country “ungovernable” and potentially facing a “constitutional crisis.”

Despite the abundant hot takes deliriously celebrating the left’s shock victory, President Macron, towering over his fellows at an impressive five-foot-six, did accomplish stopping the right from taking power. But in hindsight, his politically self-destructive decision looked like something President Turnip might have come up with on a good debate night:

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Putin! That rascal. You find the man everywhere you look these days. You’re minding your own business, innocently reading an article about French Elections and before you know what happened, boom, just like Russian clockwork, the Kremlin appears faster than the Spanish Inquisition at a witch trial.

What the Times was getting at was that, because the French elections might help Russia somehow, somebody should send Ukraine more high-tech weapons. Or something like that.

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Put another way, the elites all across the West have united across borders to make war on their own peoples.

Whoo hoo we won, burn it down.