Sunday Funnies

Thursday Jul 17 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, “Hey, my record slurs for itself.”

Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. “Cities just aren’t equipped to deal with it.”

President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden’s bedtime.

There are reports that Amazon is coming out with a new service for the Kindle that will be like a Netflix for books. You can look at a bunch of different books but you don’t have to buy them. Or, as Barnes & Noble calls that, “Our business model.”

Late Show with David Letterman

People love the new Pope, but I think it’s safe to say he’s gone crazy. Now he’s thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking “Real Housewives of the Vatican?”

I don’t know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?

Now the FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so the president can interrupt any TV program. “We interrupt this program so the president can tell America what he had for lunch: a good bowl of matzo ball soup. This concludes today’s presidential lunch update.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s not only David Hasselhoff’s birthday, it’s also the birthday of Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany. One is Germany’s most powerful leader, but is not afraid to look feminine. And the other one is Angela Merkel.

It’s a great day for a man in Brazil. He’s 126 and has been called the world’s oldest person. He says the highlight of his life was playing goalie for Brazil in this year’s World Cup.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. Also turning 30 today: a 16-year-old boy, according to his fake ID.

A federal judge ruled yesterday that California’s version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California’s version has avocado on it.

According to a new report, 81 percent of people would cheat on their partner if there were no consequences, while 19 percent of people are pretty sure this is a test.

Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides “mostly respected” the cease-fire. That’s like leaving the house without pants and saying you’re “mostly dressed.”

Monday Jul 21 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was giving an interview recently, and get this, he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, “Because he’d make me look AMAZING.”

Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, “So, vat do you think?”

I heard that Rob Ford’s nephew is planning to run for a seat on the Toronto City Council. He has an interesting campaign slogan: “I’m adopted!”

Last night, a 105-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at the San Diego Padres game. It got a bit weird when she turned to 50 Cent and said, “Now THAT’S how you throw a baseball!”
Conan

“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo all waking up in Vegas.

Officials are concerned that people in Los Angeles are too apathetic about the drought. We’re not doing anything about it. Of course, that will change next week when we announce that the drought is killing all the marijuana crops.

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is back in the news. He says the military at the NSA often shared nude photos that Americans had emailed to one another. So if your girlfriend won’t send you naked pictures, just tell her, do it for the troops.

Late Show with David Letterman

President Kennedy said let’s put a man on the moon, and by God, 10 years later we put a man on the moon. Yesterday was the 45th anniversary. Nowadays a big deal for us is we combined the croissant and the doughnut to get a cronut.

When we landed on the moon everybody remembers what they were doing, and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong said just before he left the capsule and stepped onto the surface of the moon. He said: “Out of my way, Buzz!” Whack!

A 105-year-old women in San Diego threw out the first pitch in a baseball game. I think it’s great to see Barbara Walters is still out there.

She pitched seven scoreless innings! And she’s the only woman who slept with both Alex Rodriguez and Babe Ruth.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden “would be a superb president.” In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door.

The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit against a man who got into a bar fight while unofficially dressed as the team’s mascot. They could tell he wasn’t affiliated with the Cubs because he won.

According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word “poll.”

Tuesday Jul 22 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants.

Netflix revealed earlier this week that it now has more than 50 million users — and one actual subscriber. I love Netflix!

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, “To your left you’ll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you’ll see a fire-breathing dragon.”

I just read about this student at MIT who’s created a new robot that can play Connect Four. Yes, an emotionless machine that can occasionally sit down and play a board game with you, or as I called that growing up — my Dad.
Conan

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, “This again?”

You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water.

There’s a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It’s expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. Yes, the new iPhone will be called last year’s Samsung Galaxy.

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you’ve been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

These huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.

Happy birthday to England’s Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.

Queen Elizabeth’s horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse’s urine sample with Prince Harry’s.

So remember, horses, when it comes to drugs, just say Neigh.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A judge wrote an opinion today in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting healthcare from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino’s. I’m not sure I agree. THEIR websites always worked.

Today, Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. Which is ridiculous. Everyone knows he’s made of wood.

Today is National Hammock Day. And just like a hammock, I can’t get into it.

The 17-year-old daughter of one of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” was arrested today for DUI and driving on a suspended license. She’s expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff.

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