Friday Apr 11 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy FallonA woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, “Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.”
After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.
The White House just released President Obama’s tax returns, which show that he and Michelle paid 98 thousand dollars in taxes last year. When he saw that, even Obama said, “Thanks, Obama.”
Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.
The Late Late Show with Craig FergusonThe Coachella Music Festival begins this weekend. It’s held every year in the California desert. It’s a whole weekend of peace, love, and $12 bottles of water.
If you’re a hipster who likes indie music, Coachella is the place to walk around saying, “I liked them before they sold out,” and “I liked them before you did.”
It’s close to L.A., so a lot of celebrities go to Coachella. Danny DeVito goes every year. And if you rub his head, you get three wishes.
Monday Apr 14 2014
Conan
Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un.
A new study says being optimistic or pessimistic may be largely genetic. In the words of my father, we’re all screwed.
A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better.
They say Jesus had a wife. Maybe so. He’s not the first husband to get killed after drinking with 12 of his guy friends.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day if you love the moon. And who doesn’t love the moon? Al-Qaida.
Tonight’s a very rare occurrence. A blood moon eclipse. Doctors believe if you stare at a lunar eclipse for just three minutes, you may have smoked too much marijuana.
The blood moon is the second most impressive type of eclipse. Number one will always be a total eclipse of the heart.
The blood moon will be at its reddest at 3:07 a.m. That’s two hours from now. It is good that it is on at that time because everyone knows there is nothing good on TV after midnight.
Tuesday Apr 15 2014
ConanLate last night a phenomenon occurred that scientists say won’t happen again until next fall. Yeah, that’s right, the Lakers won.
In Afghanistan’s early election, Abdullah Abdullah is doing great, especially among old people and stutterers.
The Supreme Court of India has ruled that there are three genders, not two. The three genders are male, female, and Bieber.
Donald Trump says he’s serious about buying an NFL team. Trump said, “I love football. That’s why I wear this helmet.”
Scientists now believe that Jesus Christ had a wife. They also believe that Jesus’ nephew called Jesus’ wife the “Auntie Christ.”
The Late Late Show with Craig FergusonIt’s tax day today. Good news for the studio audience. You can deduct your laughter as a charitable donation.
Every year, the IRS collects over $950 billion in taxes. There’s more money coming at them than a stripper at Charlie Sheen’s house.
Let’s play “How busy do accountants get on tax day”? They’re busier than drug dealers at Coachella. Busier than someone doing sign language for Regis Philbin. Busier than Justin Bieber’s lawyer. Busier than gossip blogs when a late-night show’s host retires.
A new study says that an average person’s chances of getting audited by the IRS is the lowest they’ve been since the 1980s. Don’t get any ideas, Willie Nelson.
Wednesday Apr 16 2014
ConanThis year’s Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you’re probably going to see a giant bunny.
Speaking of religion, the Pope let two 11-year-old boys ride in the Pope-mobile with him. Afterwards the Vatican told the Pope, “That’s not the kind of publicity we’re looking for.”
Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life. Those experts are called wives.
Domino’s debuted a new pizza where instead of dough, they’re using fried chicken. It’s called “Domino’s deep dish you’re all going to die.”
The Late Late Show with Craig FergusonToday is the 50th anniversary of the first Rolling Stones album. The band is still going strong. Thanks, drugs.
The Rolling Stones celebrated today by partying late into the afternoon.
There is a new survey out today, the best and worst jobs in America. The worst job is lumberjack. Being a lumberjack must be tough. For one thing, you have to wear plaid. And that is so 1990s.
There are a lot of shows about lumberjacks, like “Ax Men” on the History channel. They’re all over cable TV: “Bark and Recreation.” “Saw and Order.” “The Branchelor.” “The Wood Wife.” “Two Oak Girls.” “The Big Branch Theory.” “Game of Pine Cones.”
Thursday Apr 17 2014
ConanA new report claims that posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes you more desirable — and posing with a cat means you’re going to die alone.
A Southwest Airlines pilot who famously landed at the wrong airport has retired. He tried to retire to Florida but ended up in Alabama.
Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico. Yeah, so they’re taking our jobs and our Jebs.
The Late Late Show with Craig FergusonChelsea Clinton is pregnant. There is another one coming. A little baby Clinton. People are already wondering, is the baby a girl? Is it a boy? Is it going to run for president in 2016?
It’s a great day for Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh Spice. It is her birthday. You know who also has a birthday? The Ford Mustang. Now the Ford Mustang and Posh Spice are very different, of course. One’s a sleek machine that’s been redesigned a couple of times over the years but is still a great ride. And the other one is a Mustang.
According to a new survey, being a mathematician is the best job in America. So congratulations, nerds.
I’m announcing my retirement. Well, just until after the commercial.
A former fetus, the “wordsmith from nantucket” was born in Phoenix, Arizona in 1968. Adopted at birth, wordsmith grew up a military brat. He achieved his B.A. in English from the University of California, Los Angeles (graduating in the top 97% of his class), where he also competed rings for the UCLA mens gymnastics team. The events of 9/11 woke him from his political slumber and malaise. Currently a personal trainer and gymnastics coach.
The wordsmith has never been to Nantucket.