Sunday Funnies

Friday Aug 02 2013

Happy birthday to President Obama! He will be 52 years old on Sunday. I bet he can’t wait for Michelle to wheel out that tofu cake with the broccoli icing.

If you’d like to get the president a gift, you can’t go wrong with Edward Snowden. He would love that.

There’s a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, “It’s going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You’re going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings — I need the whole deal.

The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?

This is the 26th year of shark week. It started as a gimmick in the late 1980s. It has grown into a cultural phenomenon that scares the crap out of everyone. It’s like David Hasselhoff.

Shark week is so awesome. I’m surprised other networks don’t also have shark-themed programing. Shows like “Sharks and Recreation,” “How I Ate Your Mother,” and “The Tonight Show With Jaws Leno.”

A couple of years ago Ryan Seacrest was actually bitten by a shark. That’s true. Can you imagine being in the water with a ferocious man-eater like that? And the shark’s pretty scary too.

In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name, Carlos Danger, as a joke. Weiner was like “Come on, what’s funnier than the name Carlos Danger?” They we’re like, “uh, Anthony Weiner?”

The NFL is about to get its first full-time female referee. Good for them. It will be a little different though. When a player asks her what he did wrong, she’ll say “Oh, you know what you did.”

Amazon said it’s going to hire at least 5,000 new employees. They were originally going to hire only 4,000, but realized if they added a few more, they’ll get free shipping.

Monday Aug 05 2013

This is the final season of AMC’s “Breaking Bad,” and I know how it ends. It turns out that Walter White stops cooking meth and opens his own sports medicine lab with Alex Rodriguez.

Major League Baseball has suspended Alex Rodriguez for 211 games, but A-Rod is still fighting. He’s vowing to come back 10 times bigger and 10 times stronger. I don’t know if that’s a good sign or not.

It’s not just A-Rod. Baseball gave 12 players 50-game suspensions. The rules are clear. If you’re going to do drugs and still expect to play, you’d better be a musician. That’s the only way you can do drugs and still play.

The horrible news for Cubs fans is that not one of their players got suspended today. That means they’re stuck with the same guys for the rest of the year.
Conan

Major League Baseball announced today that Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for 211 games. So if you’re familiar with baseball’s schedule, it means he’ll be out for about a month. I think there are 10,000 games in a season.

This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he’s not allowed to have any.

Photos of the royal baby’s birth certificate have surfaced. Kate’s occupation on the document is listed as “princess.” It’s always inspiring to me when a new mother decides to remain in the workplace.

One of the latest trends is an ATM machine where transactions are conducted by a human teller. The cutting-edge device is called a bank.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“The Smurfs 2” is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber — minus the part about everybody loving him.

I can’t decide on a favorite Smurf. I love Papa Smurf, of course. And the one who’s always yelling at everyone with those long-winded stories. What’s his name? Oh yeah, Regis Smurf.

Then there’s Tito Smurf, Jermaine Smurf, and Kardashian Smurf.

Papa Smurf is their leader, but he wasn’t an elected leader. He inherited the position after the death of his father, Kim Jong Smurf.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Baseball suspended 13 players for alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs, most notably baseball’s highest paid player, Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees. A-Rod is suspended for 211 games. That is an odd number, but .211 is what they calculated his batting average would have been without the drug.

A-Rod held a press conference earlier in Chicago. He dodged almost every question. But when asked directly, “Did you use performance-enhancing drugs?” he said, “Me no steroids” and then knocked White Sox Stadium down with his bare hands.

I don’t believe A-Rod used performance-enhancing drugs, but I also don’t believe in Canadians. Really, there are millions of people living in another country right above us? I don’t think so.

Kobe Bryant was in China this weekend. The NBA is very popular in China, which makes sense because that’s where all the shoes come from.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Alex Rodriguez has been suspended from baseball for 211 games, but he said he’ll appeal the decision and keep playing. Yeah, even Anthony Weiner was like, “Man, some people just don’t know when to quit.”

A-Rod was suspended for buying performance-enhancing drugs from an anti-aging clinic in Florida. You know, because if there’s one place where people really know how to look young, it’s Florida.

President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday yesterday. You can tell he’s getting older because he no longer supports President Obama.

The Boston Globe newspaper has been sold for $70 million, even though 20 years ago it went for $1.1 billion. I couldn’t believe that story when I saw it for free on the Internet.

Tuesday Aug 06 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Welcome to a very special edition of “The Tonight Show.” The White House announced that in the coming days, President Obama will be reaching out to Americans who have lost their jobs. In fact, that’s why he’s here with me tonight. He’s talking to me personally.

As our studio audience knows, the security today was incredible. In fact, first lady Michelle Obama already had the Secret Service sweep the president’s dressing room for chips, pizza, ice cream — any kind of snack, donut, any kind of sweets.

Happy birthday to President Obama! He turned 52 over the weekend. You can see he is getting a little grayer. In fact, they are starting to call him “The Silver Fox.” That’s because most of the silver in his hair was caused by Fox.

All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries.
Conan

Alex Rodriguez returned to baseball last night. After appealing his drug suspension, Alex thanked his family, friends, and fans for their support. Then he thanked all the horses and cattle for their testosterone.

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has purchased The Washington Post for $250 million. He said that last night, like most Amazon customers, he was drunk and buying crap on the Internet he didn’t need.

At an airport in Connecticut a man was arrested after saying he had a bomb. He was released as soon as he showed police his DVD of “The Lone Ranger.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is Jamaican Independence Day. Today in Jamaica, everyone spent the entire day smoking, drinking, and having a great time — and then they remembered it was Jamaican Independence Day.

People think everyone in Jamaica smokes marijuana. That is just not true. Some of them eat it.

Jamaica isn’t far away from Florida. If you go to Jamaica, on a quiet night you can hear old people in Boca Raton laughing at CBS sitcoms.

I wanted to go to Jamaica because “Dr. No” — the first James Bond movie — was filmed there with Ursula Andress. In that movie, they show all the beach scenes in Jamaica and all the jungle scenes in Sean Connery’s chest hair.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon.com, just bought The Washington Post for $250 million. He just walked into the Post’s headquarters and said, “Add to cart.”

Since Bezos bought the Post before 11 a.m., he got same-day delivery.

Alex Rodriguez was suspended from baseball for using performance-enhancing drugs, but then he appealed, so technically he can still play. Last night he played his first game since the suspension and hit a bloop single. And then he said, “Imagine how far that would have gone if I was still on steroids!”

Wednesday Aug 07 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 al-Qaida operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?

We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy.

The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don’t pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won’t hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me! Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.

This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper’s dozen.
Conan

President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn’t like Putin’s demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback.

Michelle Obama’s new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative — fighting marijuana use through reggae.

Brigham Young University has been named the top sober school in America for the 16th year in a row. The students celebrated by having the worst party ever.

The NFL announced that referees are going to crack down this year on excessive celebrations. NFL players are being told not to show off too much after a touchdown, a sack, or a murder.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I’m not one of those ex-smokers who says, “I’ll never smoke again.” I would start smoking again in a heartbeat. The only thing stopping me is the painful early death.

I fancy smoking a pipe. Actually, I would like to just fill my pipe and then put on a robe and go around solving crimes.

The big trend these days is electronic cigarettes. They are not as bad for you. I suppose they’re safer than regular cigarettes, but a lot of things are safer than cigarettes. That’s like saying your movie made more money than “The Lone Ranger” or like saying you fathered fewer children than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The University of Iowa has been named the No. 1 party school in America for 2013. So congratulations and shame on them.

One thing nice about Iowa: It is flat. So when you pass out you won’t fall off any cliffs or anything.

An Iowa spokesman said the percentage of kids drinking five or more drinks in a day dropped from 73 percent in 2009 to only 58 percent last year. I like that they say “only 58 percent.” That is when you know you have a party school on your hands.

I don’t know why the Iowa school would deny something like that. If I was in charge, not only would I not deny it, I would mention it in all the advertising.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, “Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot.”

Last week, a woman in Nevada gave birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant. Afterwards, the manager said, “Uh, you still have to buy something. Restrooms are for customers only.”

A study found that if given a choice, most Americans would not want to live to the age of 120. People don’t want to live to 120 except for one group — people who are at 119.

Thursday Aug 08 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons al-Qaida is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn’t have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid.

The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it’s sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out.

Researchers at the University of Chicago say that dolphins, not elephants, have the longest memories in the animal kingdom. They confirmed this when a dolphin was upset that an elephant it had met 20 years ago didn’t even recognize him.

Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the “Hypocritic Oath.”
Conan

The Secret Service is asking people on Twitter to report any suspicious tweets. So now if your boss catches you on Twitter, just tell him you’re protecting the country.

A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that’s an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot.

A scientist has figured out a way to turn coffee grounds into alcohol. He is not so much a scientist as he is an alcoholic.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Fifty years ago today was “the great train robbery.” Robbers got away with $63 million in cash from a postal train in Britain. My father worked for the post office at that time. He was supposed to be working on the night that it was robbed, but he had the flu. He called in sick. Coincidence?

All I know is right after the great train robbery, we ate well around my house. Yes, that is the night we got a brand new potato.

The train was going from Glasgow to London. So the Scottish banks lost millions. Scottish people were spewing venom and then the robbery happened and it got worse.

I like heist movies. “Oceans 11” was a good one. Then there was “Oceans 12” where they robbed the people who went to see the movie.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The third-largest lottery drawing in the U.S. took place last night, a Powerball jackpot worth $448 million. The jackpot will be split between three winners. I’m happy for whoever they are, as long as their names are not Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, or Kris.

One of the winners is a 45-year-old man from Ham Lake, Minnesota, which sounds delicious.

After taxes and jet skis, I think the winnings work out to $148.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.

LeBron James of the Miami Heat had to report for jury duty today. Of course there will be 11 other jurors to help decide the case, but you know he’ll wind up doing it all by himself.

After The Washington Post and The Boston Globe were both sold this week, the owner of The New York Times came out and said that his paper is not for sale. Oh yeah? Then how come I just bought one at a newsstand?